Silver Lining

Ever have those days when you feel the walls are closing in on you? When you arrive at the point where you feel everything you do, anything you do, is futile; that the world is still a cruel, sad place to be living in? That all your endeavors as a parent may just not work out?

Well, I did have a day like that. A day when I wondered if anything we did as parents was enough to make good people out of these little projects we have called children.

Why do I call them projects? Well, because they ARE - they live with us, they thrive on what we give out to them, but they don't BELONG to us. They are handed over to us by providence, or nature, or God (if you aren't an atheist) to nurture and place, when they are ready, into the world - much like a project.

Anyway, going back to the realization that we have so little control when it comes to raising them; how do we actually know that we are on the right track? Well, we don't know it. We can only take subtle hints thrown in by the great Sensei (yes, am a Karate Kid fan) called life.

We must be in the right direction if we see signs like these right?

• Kiddo aged seven, in all earnestness, wants to bring home every stray dog he can find. Though he was crestfallen when we told him dogs do not like to be kept indoors in his room, he decided he was going to feed them every chance he got.
• His elder sister, all of 11, wants to donate her books to a kid who cannot go to school. We have gone to great lengths to un-label, put in fresh covers and re-label her old books to give them out - all at her insistence.
• When the adults in the house (that translates as me and hubby) fight over things that matter little to them, the brother-sister duo spare no words to let us choose between being "sent to the Principal" or "shake hands and be friends again". 
• They call up their grandparents to tell them how much they loved the biryani they ate at their place. (And then promptly proceed to tell them embarrassing truths of my home!)
• Little fellow comes home from cricket match one day singing "Chikni Chameliiiiiii, Chup ke akeliiiiiiii, Kowa chadhake Ayi"  When we explained to him that the song was not really about a pet crow (Kowa) - and that kids don't actually sing these songs, he promptly replaced the song with "Jungle jungle baat chali hai......." (You know the rest!)
• Little one propped his pudgy little hand on my cheek and asked me how mosquitoes knew the blood group of the people they were drinking blood from. (we had just filled out his medical form where we had filled out his blood group as well)
• 11 year old wears a dress, but looks at the mirror, and decides she looks fat. However, she changes her mind when the little fellow looks at her closely, and gives her the best compliment she has ever got - "You can sit with me in the birthday party." 
• After a PTM meeting (let me assure you, its more stressful than business meetings) that went particularly well, little one asks, "Mom, are you inpred with me?" (that is 'impressed' in baby talk)
• Elder one comes home one evening upset that a friend spread lies about her in school. So when I asked her what she wanted to do, she said she would ask her friend about it. Because, "she is my 'bestest' friend!"
• On another occasion, when she found out that our domestic help could not understand English, she was distressed and started tutoring her. Watching the elder sister tutoring, the little one promptly brings out his crayons, and declares to the bewildered woman, "Now I will teach you coloring!"

Amidst laughter and tears I realize how maybe, just maybe, we are doing it right!

copyright @Pinterest

Exams for Mommy - Condition Serious Hai!

Exams - the stuff that nightmares are made of, nights that you resented Dad yanking the cable connection off, or the cold winter mornings when Mom just pulled the snug blanket off to get you up before sunrise to do that dreaded thing called 'revision'.

Suddenly, the "seriousness" quotient of the whole world would climb up a few notches. Parents, grandparents, neighbors, the electricity board  (remember how the power cuts would happen right when you were ready to start peeling open the books?) and even the neighborhood stray dogs, would wear a glum, serious air about themselves.



Once past the mandated post graduation, I thought I had left behind those dreaded days. Well, think again. Exams have come back with a vengeance, and how!

No, I have NOT lost my mind, nor decided to shock my unassuming spouse and do my PHD. I am merely taking you through yet another agonizing phase of parenthood - one that no one warned me about! I am talking of karma coming to bite you in the derriere...... the kiddos' exams!

Even worse are the situations where you end up meeting other parents who are battling the same woes as you are. Some familiar situations during the exam season, where you wish people would take a heavy dose of anti-seriousness medications :

Scenario 1 :
Occasion : PTM meet (for those who still haven't been hit by the asteroid called parenthood, PTM means Parent - Teacher Meeting)
Teacher with a no-nonsense look and a dreadful looking pile of answer sheets in front of her. You know that one of those red-tinged white sheets is filled with your child's endearing but utterly stupid answers. Sweaty palms and silly smile, you approach her, looking and feeling every bit the guilty parent you are. After all, your child did score a few marks less than she did last year! You make an immediate pact with yourself to start spending more time on the child's studies from now on; if only the teacher let you off the hook this time. Instantly, you are transported two decades back in time, where you sat cringing in front of your teacher.

The cringing gives way to stammered responses when the teacher gives one disapproving glance at you. "Errr.... Ma'am, no I haven't actually made a time table for the kiddo at home, but I do ensure that he eats, sleeps, plays and studies regularly..... No Ma'am, I meant "play"... as in when the kid runs around with other kids and laughs hysterically when he falls and scrapes his knee? Not heard of it?"
 

Scenario 2 :
Occasion : Some much needed retail therapy
You are shopping with a vengeance, trying to get some of the exam depression out of your veins, when you spot a fellow parent, wrought with the same nightmares as you. The only difference - her child is the class topper. Needless to say,  you try to blend in with the surroundings, using the tiny mannequin to hide your enviable frame. But with the kind of luck you've been having these days, the super-mom decides to check out that very mannequin, bumping into you.

Ofcourse, the only think she wants to talk about is the exam syllabus and the woes of losing that one mark.You haven't heard half of what she is rambling about, and suddenly panic sets in as you remember your kid is in the same class! Panic converts into full fledged hyperventilation when you discover that said parent knows the exact page number of every question that has been asked since Man discovered fire!

Makes one wonder, doesn't it? We have managed to take the joy of learning and discovery, and convert it into a competitive sport that everyone dreads. Not just education, we do it with everything that crosses our path. Don't believe me? Lets see.....

Kiddo loves dancing?  Well, just enroll him into a dancing school, put him through  grueling schedules just so he can go participate in a competition. Kid good in sports? Well, lets just step in and take away the joy of playing and get her to worry about competing.

See the pattern here? This is the scary pattern of the very contagious disease called #ConditionSeriousHai
which can only be cured by regular doses of laughter, friends and tasty treats.

This is a post that has been written for the contest by indiblogger and Cadbury 5 star for the #ConditionSeriousHai contest.

Movie review - Anybody can Dance

The kiddos and I went for a movie recently. Titled "Anybody Can Dance", this was the very essence of our approach to dance too. First, the review

The movie is made by Remo D'Souza, whose first movie F.A.L.T.U. was a pretty insightful look into youngsters lives today. So ofcourse, there were expectations - especially since this dealt with his core competence - Dance.

I went into the movie hall with mixed feelings - the reviews ranged from excited whoops to "bleh"s.... so I was prepared for a boring 2 and a half hours. The saving grace being, there was some dancing we could look forward to.

The plot, as almost everyone pointed out, was cliched. But then, so is life.

At the risk of sounding less than intelligent, I must say this was an enjoyable movie. Yes, there are cheesy dialogues, cliched twists, juvenile emoting skills by the actors (well, in their defence, they are dancers, not actors) and a less than surprising finale to the whole thing.

So, do I hear you ask what works for the movie, then?

1. Honesty : Sheer honesty in Prabhudeva's dance steps, his earnestness in trying to get the team together, his frustrations in failing a couple of times. The honesty in the efforts of the dancers (almost all of them made famous by reality dance shows), from a drug addict depicted by Puneet, to the kohl-lined Dharmesh.

2. KayKay Menon's Acting : This guy wins you over. From the manipulations, to the media seduction to some moments of never-before seen emotions in the finale which I cannot even begin to describe in words, this guy is like an elixir who makes up for the lack of emotions on the other actors faces.

3. Dance moves : There are moments in the beginning of the movie, where you see an insipid group dance performance (which completely explains the storyline), and you wonder whether you are going to last throughout the movie. Oh but wait! This seems to be Remo D'Souza's trick (in FALTU too, he begins in a lukewarm style, taking it to a superb finale), because, the next thing you see is a chase scene which introduces all the lead characters. And this, my friend is a seeti-blowing moment! This chadse scene without fancy cars and special effects, can take on Don, Tiger and Vinod, hands down! And then there's the finale - it takes the whole experience of ABCD into a crescendo, and leaves one with a strange kind of emotion - faith, maybe.

4. Message : Yes, I am a sucker for movies with social messages - especially where the message is delivered without too much preaching. Here, it is the age old message - no shortcuts!

5 The After Effects : Allow me to explain this through a highly motivated 5 year old, who was in this mood from the moment we walked out of the theatre, all through the car ride home, and through the weekend!

The Verdict : A must watch for anyone who likes shaking a leg :-)

Oh for the Love of Love!!

You can hate it, you can love it, you can scoff about it, or you can be wistful about it. But there's no way you can ignore this mush-in-your-face-festivities called Valentine's day!!

Who cares that it actually is in memory of a martyr? Just like Mother's Day (another festival where the person who championed the cause , actually spent her entire fortune fighting the commercialized version of her dream), Valentine's Day owes its popular existence entirely to the geniuses in the marketing department of card companies.

However, like I said, one really cannot ignore V-day, can we? Whether its the lovestruck couples around you, or the trying-to-get-lucky-in-love variety, or the I-hate-this-day-coz-I'm-so-lonely people you encounter, each one only reminds you that today my dear, is Valentine's Day.

My love-hate relationship with V day began the year I started college. (Yes, yes, laugh all you want. When we were school going kids in a little town tucked away in the hills of Kerala, we had no clue 14th Feb was any different from other days!) 

The shock came by way of being suddenly confronted with different kinds of hopefuls - some were shy and endearing, some haughty and confident, some funny and clueless. (The funny and clueless variety were my favorite!). But as freshers in college, V day was far from pleasant - you had no idea who would spring forth from the corner of the cafeteria to thrust a rose and a chocolate bar at you!

However, at the height of pheromone-driven love, V day syndrome reached a different level - this day was yet another excuse to suffocate the person you love with an overdose of gifts and romantic words stuffed into a card. (Honestly, does anyone remember the Hallmark cards with pages and pages of poetry written on them?). But truth be said, one did not, even for a moment, allow common sense to over rule the heart. Thus, all the ridiculously priced roses, all the unbelievably juvenile gifts did seem to make complete sense to the hormone crazed hearts, didn't they?

The first few years of commitment in love, or what they call 'marriage' brought about a certain saneness in the way we celebrated V-day. I mean you see the guy every day! So of course you are not gushing your heart out in a clandestine meeting over ridiculous candlelight and a teddy bear that cheekily says 'I love you.' But a peer-pressure induced romantic evening was certainly a welcome change from the daily monotony of work-home balance.

As the years go by, and the relationship has moved on from 'I-wonder-if-he-still-loves-me-as-much' phase, love, and everything that symbolizes it, takes on a new meaning. Let me try to decipher what 'love' means to me on this V-day

• When he starts a conversation with, 'I don't know if you will like this........' I know I am going to love the new book, or the new scarf he has picked up for me. (No, there has never been uber-expensive surprises. We prefer long discussions and opinions and choices when we want to spend like there's no tomorrow!)
• When he walks out of the room to have a long conversations on the phone, I don't have the urge to overhear his conversation
• When I cook something special, he urges the kids to yell "Very yummy Mom!" - which the kids comply willingly
• When I have a ridiculous incident (read that as falling flat on my face while walking on perfectly aligned plane surfaces) he tries very hard to hide his laugh.
• When I have a flat tire, even though I know there's no way he's going to be able to help, I still call him. And he, after appropriate sympathetic tut-tuts, tells me the obvious - to call the helpline.
• When I have to take an early morning flight, and I tiptoe around the house getting ready, he will wake up, switch on the living room lights, plop himself on the sofa, and sleep with his eyes open till I leave.
• When we fight over who switches off the light at night, he teams up with both the kids to blackmail me - "Mommmmmeeeeee ....... please switch of the light. We loooooooove you!"
• I reach out and hold his hand in the movie theatre. Sometimes the kids are in between, but we negotiate with them to change seats ;-)
• I like Chinese and Continental food, and he considers only Indian cuisine to be 'food'. So we usually go to multi-cuisine restaurants.
• He smiles indulgently at the daughter when she explains how the silly guy in school does not know chlorophyll helps in photosynthesis. And then he points at me and says 'Did you know Mum was Head Girl in school?'
• His chest visibly swells in pride when kiddo 1 tells kiddo 2 that "Papa's biryani is better than even Mom's!". Truth be told - he does make a mean biryani (an Indian Rice dish)

Maybe this is what its all about -  all the evenings we've crashed out on the couch with the TV blaring well into the night, all the days we have stood in the balcony watching the rain, all the silly games we've played with the kids on the living room carpet, the companionship in this weird unprepared journey called life that we've ventured into.

Maybe there is a method to the madness called love.

Apt quote huh? Credit Birthdayquotes

Happy Valentines Day y'all!! :-)

Off with their heads.. err.. stubble

This post is a part of the 'Shave or Crave' movement in association with BlogAdda.com

Knowing each other for over 15 years has its pros and cons. (yeah, yeah.... we are ancient and all that!!). G and I know each other well enough to complete each other's sentences, and yet, there are times when shy, subtle hints are just not enough to convey a heartfelt message.

G prides himself on his immaculate grooming at work in the hospitality industry. So much so, that there have been instances where he has shaven twice in a day to ensure brownie points in a meeting. Hence, as I went through the misery called wedding rituals, I would take one look at his drop dead gorgeous looks and congratulate myself on a job well done.

Alas! Little did I know Dr.Jekyl and Mr.Hyde were not a fiction of someone's imagination .... they truly exist! Let me elaborate this complex situation by using a conversation during our first few hours after the wedding ceremonies:

G : Hey gorgeous...... wakey wakey!

Me (eyes still closed) : Hi sweetheaaaaa ...... err..... what happened to you?

G (hands going to his face) : What? Oh this? This is my macho look..... a stubble.... nice, no?

Me : Err...... ummm......... What are we ordering for breakfast? (dodging the deadly weapon on his face in an attempt to save my face.... literally!)

G : What happened?

Me (still trying to be a nice bride) : I haven't brushed yet.......

Thankfully, by the time we were dressed to go out for the day, he was back to being Dr. Jekyl err..... G. Pretty soon, I discovered that G was the alter ego of "Office G", when it came to shaving. He was content with the 5 o'clock shadow (5 o' clock shadow my foot !! what about the morning, evening and night? I could sue whoever coined that phrase) that adorned his face on the days that he lazed around at home.

I tried various subtle hints, from screaming 'Ouch.... A porcupine!!' when his face found mine, to placing his shaving razor at all unimaginable places. (Truth be told, I married a kind man - he did not seem to mind the razor showing up on the breakfast table, on the TV remote, inside his pajama pockets, or even on his favorite spot on the couch! He simply scratched his head muttering "Strange......" while putting it back to where it belonged)

In yet another instance, I clicked photos of him in all his sleeping glory, and showed it to him during an exceptionally romantic moment. He reacted quite badly to the way he looked. "Hey, I look so geeky! Thank God for that stubble, huh?"

Yes, I waited till he walked out of the room to physically try and kick myself, thank you very much!

In another instance, I bought for him, one of the best shaving products (you know, like Gillette says, "The Best a Man Can Get" ....) to try and coax him to shave. He was touched. "Wow!! Thanks dear.... I've  always wanted this one. Will use it when I get ready for the meeting tomorrow" ..... This time I almost succeeded in strangling myself.

Pretty soon, I realized that for the good of all humanity for my own sanity, I would just have to get the message accross.

G and I were looking forward to a lazy weekend.  No parties, no mall hopping, no friends. Perfect oppurtunity!

I decided to go ethnic on him. (Call it slimy, scheming or just plain selfish - whenever I care to wrap the 6 yard devil's creation around me, I use the sari to my distinct advantage). My red georgette sari (thank you, Sridevi and no thanks to you, Mr. India!!) with a ridiculously low cut blouse, not to mention the perfume that G loves, and I was ready.

G : "Whoa!! Where are we going?"

Me : "Nowhere..... why?" (God! I am good at this!)

G : "W-Why are you dressed like that?"

Me : "Oh, you don't like it? I'll change then..........."

G : "No.... please don't. Looks great" (Pulling me towards him, running his hands over my arms)

Me : "You really like my arms, don't you?"

G : "Yeah ..... so soft. You sure we aren't going anywhere? You're wearing that perfume too!"

Me : "Well, I want tell you a secret."

As G's eyes widened like Mr. Bean's, I whispered lovingly in his ear, "I wax my arms, you know."

G : "Huh?"

Me : (still whispering conspiratorily) "I also do unthinkable stuff to my eyebrows too."

G (the gentle soul that he is, he was getting distinctly uncomfortable with the conversation) :  "I already know that.... and I don't think I need the gory details....... W-What do you want?" (I swear, I almost saw him holding a cross to ward me off)

Me (smiling sweetly) : "Why don't you shave on the days you are at home?"

G : "Oh I get it now - you don't like my 'at-home' avatar!!.....  This why I've been finding my razor all over the house? I just want to be me! This is the real 'Me' ......... so get used to it!"

Me : "OK dear. I completely get it."

G : "Y-You do?"

Me : "Yes ofcourse, I do. I love you, remember?"

G (as he took me in his arms) : "I love you too"

Me : "Awwww.... I am sure you too will love the real 'Me' next weekend. 

G : "Err.......What?"

Me (almost gushing in excitement) : I can't tell you how happy I am that I can be in my nightie all day long! And no waxing, no threading, no makeup... wow!! You are a darling, G! ....... Oh! And I hope you like under-arm hair as well...."

The next moment, I was on the floor, G was running towards the bathroom, razor in hand.

Mission accomplished. Sanity restored....... the Best a (Wo)man Can Get indeed!!

The Shoppers Stop Love affair

"Errr...... a competition in Fashion?" The look on my darling husband's face told me he was trying hard to suppress a laugh that would, had it escaped his lips, ensure that he went hungry for a few days.

"Yes, fashion!" I retorted. "I am stylish you know.... I do know quite a bit about fashion, and I love to shop...."

While Hubby made a safe and hasty exit from the room, I had already started buying my very real wish-list in my imaginary trip to Shoppers Stop.

Let me explain why Shoppers Stop. Nearly two decades ago, SS was the only place you could see the kind of brands you saw in shopping malls abroad. I was introduced to SS as a slightly (?) overweight, clumsy teenager, by a doting dad. We had seen shopping in malls in Dubai, and India was yet to see the mushrooming of malls.

Needless to say, I fell in love - in love with the rows and rows of gleaming glass cases with jewelry, watches and perfumes, In love with the array of sexy outfits under flattering spotlights. In that visit, I was gifted a gold plated bracelet (bought from SS) which, for a while, I was inseparable from.

Every visit to SS hence, has been a satiating treat - visual, olfactory, and material. (The material part comes with certain after effects such as a hysterical spouse, but still). This can easily explain why against better judgement (and impending laughter from people who know me), I pounced upon the contest from Shoppers Stop which is all about conjuring up the most stylish look for the festive season.

Delhi is fast emerging as the fashion capital of the sub-continent, and some of it rubbed on me too. So I am influenced by the 5 trends of the festive season:

1. Say no to bling! - Supposedly, this festive season will see the use of a lot of subtle, dull gold embroidery but bling is out, which means, we go easy on the Swarovski (oh damn!! there goes my entire festive wardrobe!)
2. Offset the brightness : Traditional fabrics with different textures is good, but offsetting the typical festive colours with richer colours is a grand idea, such as teaming outfits with black for some oomph with the festive choices (I love black anyway - so yay!!!)
3. Make a statement : For subtle and elegant garments, pick a statement neck piece or earrings (I hear you loud and clear - Earrings it is!!)
4. Breeze through the festivities : A relatively fuss-free look is ideal for the festive season. The silhouette this year is long, long and long, with flowing fabric (Yay again: flowing fabric = hidden flaws)
5. Layer your look : Layering is a big trend for the season, so whether it's a jacket over a lehenga, or a waistcoat teamed with a skirt, go with layering to enhance your festive look. (also beats being hit by pneumonia in Delhi winters)

Keeping the above discoveries in mind, ta-da.......!!!! Here's my pick from the online store at Shoppers Stop:



My Wishlist pick!

1. This long flowy kurta with a dressy dupatta from Kashish  is exactly what the Doctor advised for a sophisticated yet feminine look. The embroidered yoke and the V neck are flattering styles, and is easy to carry off - whether you have dance on your mind, or you intend to charm the heck out of everyone around :-)
2. This uber cool shrug from Life is my pick to ensure I am not shivering in my bones while making conversations in the Delhi winters. Life is Shoppers Stops exclusive label that embodies modern designs which are urban, youthful and in keeping with the current fashion. The knit fabric of the shrug, and the flattering cut which ends just above the waist, are just two of the many factors (including the unbelievable price tag of Rs 699 - can you believe it!?) for my choice.
3. This is a clutch from Hidesign I would kill, maul, or blackmail to get my hands on. I mean, just look at it! How can anyone resist that piece of art? The fact that it does wonders to my budget (at a surprising Rs. 1395) is only bonus. Yummy!
4. Footwear that gives you a glam factor, without compromising on your dignity (yup! I've tripped and fallen too many times to trust footwear that look menacingly heeled) is a boon for womankind. And voila! I have found it in this dull gold peep-toes that will add a good 2 inches to my height. :-)
5. I am an earring person. I often give the neck piece a miss, so that I can flaunt a statement earring. And this beautiful gold plated dangler earrings with golden topaz, are just the right things to go weak-kneed on! Did I hear someone say "Oh but no bling, remember?" Well, a little bling did no one any harm now, did it?
6. I first thought bare arms were the right look, till I came across a classic - this bracelet is one I would invest in without blinking an eyelid, for the sheer fact that it never would go out of fashion.
7. Sigh! I miss the days when a watch was more than a fashion accessory. It was what you stood for - your signature. Alas - today, a mobile phone in every hand has reduced the dependency on watches. But this amber-brown colored Esprit chronological watch for me, is the second most important accessory in my festive wishlist.

The most important one, you ask me? Why, the dazzling smile, ofcourse!! :-)

Published at 'Parentous' ..........

"I am ‘Mommyeeee’ to an intelligent, almost-rebellious 9 year old, and an innovatively naughty, hyperactive 4 year old. While I am mostly a ‘cool’ Mom, there are days when I throw all caution to the wind and resort to the earliest form of discipline known to mankind – also known as ‘Because-I-told-you-so’

More than once, I have caught the siblings enacting their favorite dictator; namely me. My daughter perches a pair of glasses precariously on her little nose and in a high octave that would put an opera singer to shame say, “Because I told you so, and I am your Mamma……” to her brother literally ROFLing in pure glee.

While happy that both my kids show such a bias towards fine arts, I would definitely not like to be the villain of their lives all the time! That’s when I decided enough is enough, and their father would not get away with being the good cop forever.

Evening saw me sending the kids into the living room, with a treat that was rare in our household – Maggi, Coke and Chota Bheem, with a smiling threat to “stay in front of your cartoons till you are called.”

As an incredulous husband watched on, as I proceeded to shut the door of the master bedroom..........".


Read more of my article "Dad Learns to Discipline" at Parentous.com where parents discuss all things about the most important job in the world..... Parenting!

Of Karva Chauth, the 'Chaste' wives and TV Soaps

Lets do a simple exercise. Go to the most knowledgeable, most sought after friend, guide and teacher  (Ofcourse I was referring to Google ) and ask for something called an 'ideal hindu husband'....

Any luck? No? Oh... so one of the oldest civilizations in the world has nothing to offer, no two bit to preach to an important player in a marriage?

Oh Ok! I get it. Marriage is not all that important in our civilization, right?

Now lets try 'ideal Hindu Wife'.... WHOA!!!! Google really does adore ideal wives. If you are as lucky as me, you'll find, atleast in 5 different sites, the following couplet:

"Karyeshu Dasi, Karaneshu Manthri;
Bhojeshu Mata, Shayaneshu Rambha;
Roopeshu lakshmi, Kshamayeshu Dharitri;
Satkarma Nari, Kuladharma Patni"

Let me translate it to you poor sanskrit-unaware chaps out there:
"A servant (literal meaning is actually 'slave') while working,
A clever minister while advising (the husband; only the husband, mind you)
A mother when feeding (that explains the eternal 'cook like my Mom syndrome')
A slut celestial nymph - Rambha in bed (of husband ofcourse gasp!!! what were you thinking?)
A looker like Goddess Lakshmi
As patient (forgiving) as mother Earth
A lady with all these virtues (?)
Is the perfect wife"

Go on. Read that again. I am sure there is quite a considerable percent of our population who are rueful why they weren't born in the century that actually practised this. And if this couplet leaves any room for doubt, you'll even find training manuals for good wives.

Now, before you spring the it-has-been-wrongly-translated thing on me, let me also tell you that we are master con men when it comes to twisting words the way we want to. Read it any way you wish - does any version make you feel better about the expectations from a 'kuladharma patni'?

But forget the Manusmriti (incidentally, point number 18, 19 and 20 were runners up; but the winner hands down is point number 25 - superb, I tell you!!) even Balaji Telefilms believes this is exactly how the good wife should behave. Just ask the Viranis, the Raizadas, the Singhanias, the Aggarwals etc. how they like their 'bahus' - decked up, eyes downcast and calling their husbands 'Mannu key Papa'

The reason for this sudden outburst? Why, our good old Karva Chauth!!

It all began when my daughter saw me all decked up in Karva Chauth finery (worthy of a Balaji Film set), pooja thali in hand. I had just finished throwing the flowers and rice at the moon, and done the ritual as Mom-in-law had taught me years ago. During the first Karva Chauth, Mom-in-law and me had both vehemently agreed  to one thing - the saris and the jewelry and the sweets were fine, but no fasting-shasting for us hot blooded food lovers......

Daughter dearest looked up expectantly at me, finally telling me "Go on. Do it already!!"

I looked at her quizzically and asked, "Do what, princess?"

Princess : "Go touch Papa's feet. That's what they do in the movies right? So do it!"

Me : Gasp!!!!!

Husband : ROFL......(literally!)

Truth be told, if I had to fast to keep hubby alive, I would have run away from the wedding. On a more serious note, a corollary to this is, is there anything that the husband is supposed to do to ensure the wife has a long life?

No, I'm not talking about a crazy eyed ShahRukh Khan doing a DDLJ for karva chauth (though I was pleasantly surprised to see this breed of young men too). I'm talking about a true dictum (like the ones for women : the vat savitri, the teej, the karvan chauths, the varalaxmi vratams....)

Anyway, back to the most important question : Why aren't there any directives for men on the bencmarks for an ideal Husband? Or is there no such thing as an ideal husband?

I tried all the search options I could think of, from 'Ideal Husband' to 'Role of Husbands in Manusmriti' .... but couldn't come up with anything remotely similar for husbands. Why?

Any thoughts?

Things You Didn't Know You'd Say in a Marriage

Well, there are a hundred in this list, but I thought I mustn't be the one credited with the extinction of an age-old institution, so I put forth here only a 10 pointer.

•  Statement 10 : "I wonder where he gets his stupidity from. Not my side of genes, I assure you." - A statement most commonly used when an offspring gets bad grades in school, beats up other kids, makes embarrassing statements in public, or all of the above. Of course, this statement is only relevant to partners who have children and does not count for the ones who are still in the process of being conned by various relatives into being parents.
• Statement 9 : "You are 3.2 centimeters closer to the switch, so why don't you get it?" - This is the climax of a very mature conversation involving very high analysis and decision making skills. The said conversation begins when any one of the spouses tells the other one to switch on/off an electrical appliance such as a light, fan, AC, TV etc. Can also be used when it involves things like shutting the door, answering the telephone etc. A direct co-relation has been established between the frequency of usage of this sentence, and the number of years of marriage.
• Statement 8 : "Of course I liked the gift." A simple guide to understanding what it most probably means:
• 'I hate that color. Will get it exchanged once he forgets about it.'
• 'I will never use that. Wonder where she gets these weird ideas from. Maybe there's a refund policy.'
• 'When will they stop showing brainless ads of these on TV.... as if real men used them!'
• 'Hmmmm...... maybe, if I turned this inside out, I could learn to like the color.'
• 'Red? Again? The guy needs to go through a crash course in colors.'
• 'Wonder if that stupid secretary bought this one too.'
• Statement 7 : "In a meeting, honey." Yup! A guide to what it means - again:
• The obvious; you know - the thing almost all Ekta Kapoor Serials are made of.
• 'I did not check if the movie tickets are available - lemme get out of this one alive!'
• The final over in an India -Pakistan match. Wait - I'd rather not even pick up the phone
• The jerk! He forgot our anniversary - let him grovel!
• Maybe - just maybe, in a meeting
• Statement 6 : 'I woke up the last time......' usually accompanied by a whine, found among specimens that have mutated into something called 'parents'. Most commonly used when they have to deal with national emergencies like soiled diapers, refilling of the feeding bottle, or just plain play-with-baby-at-midnight regime.
• Statement 5: 'Whoa! You're gonna eat that?' Extremely suicidal tendencies may cause a spouse (usually the male) to use this statement to the other, who in turn, may turn homicidal.
• Statement 4 : "Who ate that last gulab jamun?" (or pizza, or chocolate bar. Never, never an apple, a salad or a bowl of sprouts) - Self explanatory.
• Statement 3 : "Lets get this straight - you asked me to marry you." Sometimes this statement may resemble a broken record - interspersed with bouts of crying. Other versions may include 'I should have listened to my mother / friends / neighbour / pet dog....." (no, fathers don't make it to that list, and mothers top that list)
• Statement 2 : "But you used to like it ....." could be used in varying intensity depending on usage - from a personal quirk (like a snorting laugh, or an a nasal twang a la Reshammiya, etc.)to food, item of clothing, or bedroom moves.
• Statement Numero Uno : 'You've changed.' This little bomb demands special attention from the listener. Things you should not do if you want to live to see your next birthday:
• Statement 7 
• Statement 5 (Ensures torture before death)
• Statement 3 (Ditto)
• 'So have you!' (Most commonly used, and proof that idiots still exist. Will secure the talker a position on the couch.)

Any additions?

Oh! The Woes of Civilization

Hey! All you strange people out there!

Yes, yes ...... you guys! The ones who call yourselves 'liberal' and 'educated'. I have had enough of this nonsense of you guys going on and on about women's rights! What exactly are you propagating?

Are you telling me that we aren't modern enough for you firangis ? You and your chowmein and your mobile phone wielding women! Tch! Tch!

When a very learned friend said that chowmein caused all the rapes, you guys scoffed at him! This is nothing to scoff about - its pure science! Don't you realize that all those 'spagetti tops' these women wear reminds our poor boys of the chowmein and they want to just tear off those tops and eat them? And you call yourself educated!

And what is this hue and cry about about mobiles for women? Have you actually seen girls talking on mobile phones? They look so happy! Now you tell me  - don't we all know that womenfolk aren't supposed to be happy! It is in our culture that women should not be happy....

Have you ever seen a happy Sita Maiyya? Can you imagine her laugh with gay abandon into her mobile phone complaining that Lord Ram was taking too long to rescue her?  Do you think Ravana would have left her in peace if she kept laughing and joking into her mobile phone? And then you blame our poor boys!

Or imagine if Radhaji had a mobile phone, and kept disturbing Bhagwan Krishna while he was killing all those Rakshasas!! They were the true women - beautiful, sad and pining! No happiness for the real women. No sir! They are the real Indian women. And you should be thanking us for all that we are doing to take this country to Ram Rajya.

Let me ask you something - why do you think there is so much poverty in this land?

Hmmmph!! It has nothing to do with corruption - it is pure statistics, I tell you! We are poor because of this damn thing called equality!

Earlier, we only had to cook enough food for the men. After the men ate, the women (and the girls too) would just scrape off whatever was left and feed themselves - like real women should! And now we have to buy groceries for the women in the house too - it is truly Kalyug!

In the good old days, the boys would go to study or go outside to play, and the girls would be cooking and washing for them at home. If they did not wash or cook well, we could beat them up. And then see how the productivity of the whole country would have gone up!!

 But NO....... you and your fancy foreign concepts of resepect and equality for these women *gasp!*  only brought the whole country to the dogs. And now we are talking about stopping moksha for these cursed souls by not killing them in their wombs! How much more are you going to waste the nation's money on women? Where has all you patriotism gone now?

All you people want is to malign the poor Godfearing menfolk of this land.
Don't we fast for Durga Ma for 9 days?
Don't we sing 'Jai Ambe Gauri......' very loudly during the pujas?
Don't we wash young girls feet during the kanya puja?
What more do you expect out of us? Treat our daughters like we treat our sons (shudder!!!!)........ And let them be happy?

You must all be out of your minds!

Love? Bah! Humbug! - My entry to the GetPublished contest

A beautiful, remote beach resort, renowned for being a honeymooner's paradise. Spread over acres and acres of land, with a private beach, golden sands, luxurious rooms beautiful swimming pools at split levels. Ruby red sunsets, cloudless, shimmering nights and the constant lull of waves that came to kiss the land......

The ideal setting for that perfect love story which could make Romeo and Juliet blush with inadequacy. A love tale that could have been an epic to be told and retold...... Right?

WRONG!!!

G and M couldn't see eye to eye. Literally. They met, they glared, they schemed against each other and they tried to walk separate ways; if only the world would let them be ..............

Based on the real life story of a couple pushed together by fate, love in this story is like a naughty child, springing surprises on the unsuspecting people involved. But sometimes, things really don't happen as you want them to.......... or do they?

Excerpt from the story :

"Wait a minute, you two!" The only person who could make us sit in one room for more than a few seconds was the General Manager of the hotel where G and I were colleagues. "M, if I hear one more complaint about you throwing G's files into the shredder, I will personally ensure your transfer to the Housekeeping department."

I nodded emphatically, hoping that would pacify the Boss. I was in no mood to cut short my career in hotels, just because I wanted to punch G's smirk; but I was seething inside.

G's cinemascopic smile froze on his face when the GM turned to him. "And you..... If I ever hear about you changing the office locks without giving her a key, I will shift your office to the bhoot bangla (the haunted room). Am I clear or do you want written communication to remind you in case you forget?"

"S(He) started it." We both mumbled under our breaths.

This is my entry for the HarperCollins–IndiBlogger Get Published contest, which is run with inputs from Yashodhara Lal and HarperCollins India.

Do vote for it on this link at Harper Collins if you would like to see this story complete itself .....

I, Me and dumber Myself

I had an aching posterior, most probably due to the graceful moves associated with slipping on a tiled floor.  After having cursed my inclination towards overdosing the 'Death by chocolate' dessert for my clumsiness, I decided to sleep out the pain.

That's when I had a strange dream where I had a very weird conversation  with a younger, prettier, dumber myself. A ME that was a decade and a half younger....

Me : Hey you look just like me!!

Younger Me : Well duh! I should think so...... I am you, dumbo (followed by an irritating guffaw that had intermittent snorts. I winced, thinking of all the people who knew the Younger Me, and mentally congratulated Me for doing such a good job of Myself!)

Me : WTF!! Then what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be like inside of me or something? I ain't dead or anything am I?

Younger Me: (that guffaw again!..... God! do I laugh like that?) : No you're not dead - for now! But looks like you soon will be!

Me : Ha! You dare advise me? Look at you, you and your silly happy guffaws and your pipeline jeans and your curves and your bloody lovely hair ..... Err.... I mean you with your inexperience, and your hollow existence!

Younger Me : Well, why shouldn't I advise you? Guess who's been making record-breaking embarrassing mistakes just for your benefit? You, however, seem to have an asinine reluctance to learn from them! Do you know how difficult it is to grin stupidly in a roomful of people snickering at you? You do realize that my very existence is questionable if you haven't learnt from my mistakes, right?

Me : No way, dudette! There's nothing you can do that I can't do better!

Younger me : For starters, I can wear spandex - so just shut up and listen. Also, I can laugh at myself ...... can you?

Me : Ha! How hollow! ..... Can you be the super mom that I am? Or the creative mastermind that I am at work? Can you even write an essay without messing up sheets and sheets of paper? Do you even know what a blog is? No match - I told you!

Younger me : Hmmm..... well,  I have a beautiful handwriting, I am told. And honestly, you want to tell me that you prefer punching keys to actually writing? I mean the sound of real pencil on real paper. The joy of discovering that particular pen that fits so perfectly between your index finger and your thumb..... the joy of collecting beautiful pens, the exhilaration when you just changed the refill...... (now looking genuinely surprised)..... you've forgotten all about them, haven't you? (now with an accusing look)

Me (feeling a little uneasy now) : One's got to change with the times. Think of the time it would take me to write all this stuff with a real pen? And use what whitening fluid for corrections? Yuck! Anyway - that's not a big thing! Look at all the stuff I've achieved....

Younger Me : Yeah..... ok. Well, do you have better friends now? I mean do you have the kind of friends I had? The kind who would wake you up in the dead of night to tell you they forgot to wash their clothes tonight and they had to wear it tomorrow, and so you both had to wash it in darkness coz' the landlord would blow his top? No? Well, what about friends who will drop everything to be with you because your dog died? No? Okay I get it! You have friends who would give you the last hundred bucks in their wallet because you had that urgent STD call? Ummmm...... No, huh?

Me : But I have my priorities now! And frankly, this romantic gibberish is far below in my list. Unlike you, I have a house, a car and a career (almost expecting Younger Me to do a 'Shashi Kapoor - Mere paas Ma hai" on me after this!). You didn't think all this just fell into my lap for being a wistful, twenty something with lovely skin, dreamy eyes and long, luscious hair err....... I mean, by being a foolish Utopian, did you?

Younger me : Well, I had more character, you know! Not to mention vivid imagination! Look at you - you watch Shirish Kunder movies!!!!!

Me : Heyyyy! Not fair....that was a mistake - I thought I was going to watch Rowdy Rathore....

Younger Me : Me, Me, Me...... sigh! Now how does that logic make you look any better?

Me : Oh Ok.... that was not the right argument! Anyway, your logic is flawed too. If I was you, I'd be sent to the nearest mental asylum! You laugh like a hiccuping train, you cry when you watch silly stuff like 'Tangled', you smile at absolute strangers, just because you feel 'the sun was nice and bright today', you lend money to people who can't possibly pay you back, you dance 'for the heck of it', you go 'awwwww' the moment you see a stray pup............ you are a certified nut job!

Younger Me : And you? You laugh as though it costs you a fortune! You get embarrassed by emotions - you don't shed a tear even when you know that its the best tribute! You squint and growl at strangers because they delayed starting their car a microsecond too late at a traffic light. You save up for months to buy something of immense monetary value - and yet your happiness does not live beyond a few days, sometimes hours........ Who's the real nut job? (Horrible, horrible laugh again)

Younger Me was a scheming little thing, let me tell you. She used my momentary shock due to the Ravana guffaw, to drive in more irrelevant, irreverent stuff

Younger Me : Do you even remember the last time you laughed while reading a book? No, not that simian show where a cricketer and a man...err...woman...err...I have no clue, sit on a show and laugh themselves senseless on equally tasteless jokes...... but a real book? Or do you remember the last long drive, when you drove to feel the wind in your hair? Or the last time you cooked leisurely, thinking of the reaction when the person you cooked for, saw it?

Rudely woken up by the alarm clock, I was grateful I didn't have to hear that awful laugh again. Ofcourse, I know Younger Me was stupid.......... Right?

(Pic courtesy google images)

 

Vacation fit for God?

Well, it all started with this competition by Indiblogger, and seeing that I've not been to any other country (Dubai doesn't count - it's an extension of Kerala anyway!), this seemed to be the right opportunity for me to venture out. All I needed to do was win this competition on Indiblogger, which has like, oh..... maybe a thousand fantastic bloggers...... Piece of cake!!

(A word of advise to the readers : There are awesome links all through the post, which helped me in my research. Do visit these links - they are really helpful if anyone is planning a trip to Melbourne)

God and I sometimes have conversations when the rest of the world is snoring into oblivion. God, incidentally, is my mentor in cynicism and irony.

(Yeah!Yeah! I know You're Omnipotent and all that - But lets tell these good people how You and I reached that deal, shall we? Just so that they don't waste their time competing for the prize!)

So anyway, I reminded God how good I've been lately, and how badly I needed God to make exceptions to 'thou shalt not be greedy'! I did a lot of research at the official Melbourne website, and the resultant conversation went something like this:

Me : God, now that we've known each other for over three decades, don't You think it's time I got my friendship day present?

God : You've been spending too much time at Archie's gift shops haven't you? Anyway, what is it that you wish for?

Me : I want to go to Melbourne....... No, actually, I want to win this competition..... No, actually, I want to visit all these lovely places in Melbourne, after winning the competition that will take me there.

(There! that should take care of the 'watch what you wish for - it just might come true' fallacy)

God (trying to keep a straight face) : Win? The way you write? That really is pushing it too far, my child. Anyway, why Melbourne?

Me (gushing for required effect) : You know how much I love adventure, right, God?

God (with a patient look in Those benevolent eyes) : Yes, my child, I know. I am still trying to forget every high pitched "Oh Gaaaaaawd - saaaaave me!" each time you landed into one of those 'adventures'. It sure didn't look like you were enjoying yourself back then!

Me : Err.........Ofcourse I was enjoying it! That's how you're supposed to yell when you fall a few feet from a roller coaster! Any way, back to Melbourne. Did You know there's loads of adventure to do there? There's Sky diving.... and car racing .....

God :  I would have thought you'd done enough car racing on Delhi roads - I don't think I can handle more swear words than that!

Me (pretending to ignore the divine voice) : .... and even battle tank riding!! Can you beat that?

God : My child, surely, with all the lovely food I put on your table, even your walk to the car must seem like battle tank riding to you.... (I told you God was my mentor!)

Me : Not fair - I am on a diet, you know! Anyway, speaking of which - there are awesome celebrity chef restaurants in Melbourne - the kinds that serves Masterchef Australia kinda food! And all kinds of international cuisine too (I've always wondered how Vietnamese food tastes, or Spanish for that matter!!) - not to mention pubs!

God : (suppressing a laugh) Yes, child. I have seen you drooling all over the carpet watching Masterchef Australia, and I am aware of the nocturnal effect pubs have on you!

Me : Err..... no, God - I didn't exactly mean I'd spend all my time eating and drinking. And its such a safe place for nightlife too - You of all, know how important that is for a woman these days! Wait - there's so much more!!  Can you imagine floating past the beautiful Melbourne city in a hot air balloon? Hundreds of feet above..... sigh!! And a glass of Australian wine, and a guy proposing to you with a solitaire ring...... sigh!!!

God : Ahem! This is still about Melbourne, is it not? If this is another request for the right guy, let me tell you this conversation is over.

Me: Err..... ofcourse God -  Melbourne is sports crazed, right? And so am I!

God (with one divine Eyebrow raised quizzically) : Which sport, if I may ask, do you play? For I seem to only see you having a go at the X-box in your routine of tardiness!

Me : Whoa! Who said anything about playing?  I watch cricket, and football (or footy, as they would call it in Melbourne) and the stadiums are to die for!! Definitely beats having to watch a match on TV! Also, there are these awesome speed boats, on which I'd like to whizz past the Port Phillip Bay.

God : Hmmm....Port Phillip seems a nice place - actually the kind of place I would head to, if I didn't have to listen to people like you all the time!

Me (seeing a ray of hope) : Yes, absolutely God! It has over 1,950 square kilometres, and is quite comparable to Your abode. I mean, there's fishing, sailing, speed boats, kayaking and snorkeling. And for a change, all of it is clean, with a self-sustaining eco system.  You know how much I admire Your creativity, God. And there is so much beauty in all that marine life in Port Phillip ..... You really are a genius you know!! ...... err......So how about that competition? Am I winning it?

God : Not so fast, you sweet talker! What else are you planning to do there?

Me : I would also love to see the penguins at Phillip Island, which is just 2 hours away from Melbourne (I promise I won't smuggle any back home!).  Or even better..... maybe a moonlit walk through the bountiful natural beauty of a wildlife sanctuary You have so lovingly created in Melbourne.........

God (Smiling with such deep knowledge): So you really thought I'm going to push a few buttons and make you win this competition? You really thought it's your time to visit Melbourne NOW, didn't you?

Well, tough luck, my child........ You see, I am due for a vacation, and I'll let you know all about it when I'm back from Melbourne......... we'll have a little chat - Woman to woman! Be good till then!

Love and Marriage - Chicken and egg ?

Good ol' Wiki  defines Marriage as "a social union or legal contract between people called spouses that creates kinship. It is usually an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged. Such a union is often formalized via a wedding ceremony

And  the Oxford Dictionary defines it as "the formal union of a man and a woman, typically as recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife"

  

Yuck!!

  

Where on earth have all the romantic dictionary writers of the world vanished off to? I vote we get in the Mills and Boons writers to fill out a few entries in the dictionary as well!

Anyway, what neither definition fails to capture is the enigma, the heartburn, the apprehensions and the debates that have been sparked off by the strongest institution outside of blood relations.

Picture this: A and B, reared in completely different households, with different set of rules and different set of ideologies, unite one fine day and are are expected to merge without conflicts. Well, that's what the definition urges us to believe. This couldn't be further away from the truth! And to complicate everyone's already exhausted brain cells further, we now dissect marriages to determine if love comes after marriage or if marriage comes after love. Lets look at a few widespread notions about both, considering you guys are already this far out into reading all the crap I write :-).

Some of these theories are part of the "Love marriage ya Arranged Marriage" promos on Sony. See the facebook page here.

Hypothesis 1 : Love marriages are lesser of a surprise for the couples since you know each other.

Picture this: girl and guy in love go through the whole day thinking of ways to sneak out of whatever it is they are doing, to go see the other. Single minded concentration on ONLY the other person. Consequently, each one is their spruced up, well - groomed, manicured-pedicured best. Thus they meet, a couple of hours each day, or maybe once in a few days, or even better, once in a few weeks, pining for each other. Enter Karan Johar, Rajshree Productions and Mills and Boons, converting the whole world into a surreal one. A world that overlooks any flaws of 'The One'........ till you are married, that is.

And then marriage happens - the big, fat Indian kinds. After the honeymoon, life starts nudging you into reality. There are chores to be done, bills to be paid, deadlines to be met, and various commitments to various people to be kept. Result? We take the one person we thought we knew so well, for granted - the spouse! (here, we start forgetting that the spouse was 'The One') - Surprise, surprise! 

Wait, all you "That's-why-arranged-marriages-are-for-me" guys and girls, we aren't finished yet.

Hypothesis 2 : Arranged marriages last longer than love marriages.

Ofcourse they do! The whole big-fat-Indian-extended-family, and their neighbours will focus their entire course of life on your marriage in order to make the 'arranged' institution work...... after all, that's what 'culture' is all about! Another reason why arranged marriages seem to have longer endurance is because of expectation setting, and novelty value.

Let me explain : You finally decide, after multiple reruns of FRIENDS, Pretty Woman and Hum Apke Hain Kaun, that you will eventually give up the luxury of living alone. From that moment on, every breathing member of your family (sometimes even dear departed ones may appear in dreams) start 'preparing' you for the inevitable. From learning to cook (because Ma-in-law likes her pakoras fried in olive oil, and the future husband having developed a taste for sushi), to losing like a million pounds to get into that ooh so sexy wedding dress, you are getting 'seasoned' into marriage. The married counterparts contribute in great detail how and what the challenges are going to be, and you are about as confident of the alliance as your are of the political situation in Afghanistan. But the good thing is that the journey is usually uphill for a few years till you discover each other. And soon kids have already made their way into your lives, and you decide to stick it out. Result - longer life expectancy (of the marriages only - we won't get into details of the people stuck in it), or at least it seems like it lasts for ever!

Cynical, skeptical me is not done yet!!

Hypothesis 3 : More love marriages end in divorce than arranged

Ha! That's because worldwide, more marriages (that have the choice of divorce) are love marriages. I mean, love marriages are usually a match between equals. Women are usually empowered in the societies which have rampant love marriage syndrome. As against rural Indian, African or East Asian communities where empowerment is a word they haven't heard. Can you imagine a divorce as a choice in those societies? Yay for that!

The all-important question at the end of this mind numbing post : Where is she headed with all the arguments?

The truth is, it really doesn't matter whether marriage follows love or love follows marriage. In one case, you trust decisions made by others, add in your own risk assessments and commit to a lifetime of companionship with a person you perceive perfect to love. In the other case, you meet someone, let your heart make a decision based on a few hours each day, a few long phone conversations and chat messages, and you do everything you can to spend the rest of your life with the person you love.

In both cases, life throws mundane existence into your lap, and you look away from the beautiful painting you had painted. Then you notice cracks, which you had missed out due to the 100 piece orchestra that was playing in your head all this while. And the rest, as they say, is history.

So, Cynical smartass (I hear you say) what's your point?

Marriage is not like your Mom - you can't ignore her all the while and suddenly arrive with a scraped knee and expect to be smothered with love. It needs constant attention, and TLC.

Marriage is not like a government job - you can't advance ladders just because you have spent time in the same company for years. It needs new ideas, new approaches and sometimes new skills.

Marriage is not like the advertisements of retirement schemes where you forsake the present for the future. It needs today as much as it needs tomorrow - whether you love the person you married, or you married the person you love. Ahem! You see, cynical me is actually in love with the person I am married to - go figure which came first!

This is a post written for the contest by Indiblogger and Sony TV - 'Love Marriage ya Arranged Marriage' on Indiblogger. Do let me know what your take is.

Surprising things Moms say.......

Photo rights to http://thebestmanifesto.wordpress.com/

When I was struggling with teenage emotions, acne and hormones, I couldn't care less if my mom spoke in Latin - I was barely listening. But as time went by, and fate granted my mom her wish of me ending up with brats that are worse than my worst avatar, I realize I am digging my memory cells looking for "How my Mom would have done it" solutions.

In the process, I remembered something she told me when my daughter was a drool-dribbling heart clincher with a killer smile. She said "Listen to your words sometimes - you'll be surprised at yourself" - this was to tell me that everything I say will be for eternity in my daughter's mind.

So for the last few days, I have been 'listening' to what I say to my kids. The result is here for all to see -

"If you ask 'Why' one more time ....................."

"No. You cannot beat up smaller kids. Or I'll beat you up - get that?"

"How many have I told you not to leave things around? Give me all your balls. Now!!"

"You threw my phone in the bucket? FFF...ish!"

"Check what the maid is doing" A little later -  "Why the FF...ish did you have to tell the maid you were checking on her?"

"I don't care what the damn password is - OPEN the door!!"

"Why are you staring at the ants? Go do something important - stare at your books!"

"Why? Because I told you so....... that's why!"

"Did you do potty today? No? Now the monster will grow inside your tummy."

"You shared your sandwich with your friends? OK, then what did they share with you?"

 Of course, I have said a million things right to my kids before, but notice that there's something eerily wrong / hysterical in each of these statements.

I guess Mom certainly was right - will have to start actually 'listening' to myself more often. Sigh!

From me to you, woman to woman

Dear Daughter,

Another birthday, and poof! Like magic, you are nine years old!

No, I will not tell you how fast time has flown by, because you would have heard the same thing from a lot of people lately. You will continue to hear it from all the loved ones who have watched you progress from a bulge in my belly, to a cranky, colicky baby, to a toddler with the curiosity of an award winning archaeologist ...... to now, when you can knock anyone down with a charming smile and those soul warming eyes that you claim are your Dad's (I am quite sure I know who put THAT into your head!!)

How I will always think you are...... yup! Even at 30

You remember the proverb in the English book - 'Do not put all your eggs in one basket'? I think you know what that means.... While I was the one to teach you the meaning of those words, I discover now that I have done exactly the opposite.

You, dear daughter, are the one single basket that has all my 'eggs'. I look at you growing up, and I want to hold on to your baby years. I realize how much I see myself in you. I know I can be a bit over-conscientious with you, but you should know that it is only because I am terrified to see you stumble, lest you get hurt. I know I suffocate you sometimes, with all the rules I impose...

"Do your homework before the TV", "have your bath before your dinner", "brush your teeth at night" (even when you can barely keep your eyes open for another second), "You can only play in the vicinity where I can see you", "Don't talk back when you are being 'lectured'", and many more I am sure you would love to add to this list...

I also know you hate it when I tell you what to wear, and how to wear them. Another thing I think you want done away with is when I sneak a peek into your 'personal' stuff - including your diary and your trinkets drawer. You don't know it yet, but I do realize you have been shifting your hiding places more often these days.

I also understand that you don't like the way I tie your hair up in two pigtails, and why you change it to your favorite 'grown-up' pony tail the moment you are in the school van. I am quite impressed at your ability to manage your hair, dear. And I am happy you think of doing things only to please me; but it will be a little while before I completely let go of your hair yet. But tell you what - lets have a deal here. I'll tie up your hair the way you want, and you can try sharing more of your 'personal' stuff with me.... Sounds good?

No, don't get me wrong. I trust you completely, and I most certainly second your sense of independence and accountability. And you have more than once proven to me how responsible and sensible you are - as a daughter and as an older sister to a very irritating younger brother. I have never for once doubted your ability to choose your friends, your activities or your hobbies. Neither can I complain about your attention to your studies or your behavior - they remain one of my most cherished blessings.

But I need time to adjust to your independence too, you know! It does come as a shock to me when you don't need me anymore to get you ready for school, or when you don't need my help to open up Google and look for a new word in wiki. Or like the other day when you warmed up the milk on your own in the microwave - I didn't know whether I ought to be happy or sad. So I've drawn out a pact for all the things I promise to do, now that you are nine

1. I promise to discuss our 'going out' plans with you instead of just expecting you to tag along - you have stuff to do too, right?
2. I shall take you along when we shop for you - no more surprise frocks... and we start the lovely tradition of blowing Dad's credit card - together!
3. I shall refrain from hunting out your diary, and we can talk about all that stuff instead
4. You want a pony-tail, you get a pony-tail. Or a short blunt cut. Provided we are clear on the tattoos and body piercing rules.
5. You don't want a nagging mother or a really naughty brother when you go to play with friends - point taken, and we stay put. But the rule on playing at a visible distance from our balcony stays - for now. 
6. I will stay clear of the accessory matching too. But I step in with suggestions now and then - ok?
7. We stick to our wake times and sleep times as set, but I promise you can set your own alarm clock as soon as you reach high school.
8. We go out on mom-daughter ice-cream trips, and we can discuss about anything in the world. Yes dear, about anything at all.......... we are friends too, right?

See? No problems with temporary tattoos too!

Happy ninth, daughter.