Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Things You Didn't Know You'd Say in a Marriage

Well, there are a hundred in this list, but I thought I mustn't be the one credited with the extinction of an age-old institution, so I put forth here only a 10 pointer.
  •  Statement 10 : "I wonder where he gets his stupidity from. Not my side of genes, I assure you." - A statement most commonly used when an offspring gets bad grades in school, beats up other kids, makes embarrassing statements in public, or all of the above. Of course, this statement is only relevant to partners who have children and does not count for the ones who are still in the process of being conned by various relatives into being parents.
  • Statement 9 : "You are 3.2 centimeters closer to the switch, so why don't you get it?" - This is the climax of a very mature conversation involving very high analysis and decision making skills. The said conversation begins when any one of the spouses tells the other one to switch on/off an electrical appliance such as a light, fan, AC, TV etc. Can also be used when it involves things like shutting the door, answering the telephone etc. A direct co-relation has been established between the frequency of usage of this sentence, and the number of years of marriage.
  • Statement 8 : "Of course I liked the gift." A simple guide to understanding what it most probably means:
    • 'I hate that color. Will get it exchanged once he forgets about it.'
    • 'I will never use that. Wonder where she gets these weird ideas from. Maybe there's a refund policy.'
    • 'When will they stop showing brainless ads of these on TV.... as if real men used them!'
    • 'Hmmmm...... maybe, if I turned this inside out, I could learn to like the color.'
    • 'Red? Again? The guy needs to go through a crash course in colors.'
    • 'Wonder if that stupid secretary bought this one too.'
  • Statement 7 : "In a meeting, honey." Yup! A guide to what it means - again:
    • The obvious; you know - the thing almost all Ekta Kapoor Serials are made of.
    • 'I did not check if the movie tickets are available - lemme get out of this one alive!'
    • The final over in an India -Pakistan match. Wait - I'd rather not even pick up the phone
    • The jerk! He forgot our anniversary - let him grovel!
    • Maybe - just maybe, in a meeting
  • Statement 6 : 'I woke up the last time......' usually accompanied by a whine, found among specimens that have mutated into something called 'parents'. Most commonly used when they have to deal with national emergencies like soiled diapers, refilling of the feeding bottle, or just plain play-with-baby-at-midnight regime.
  • Statement 5: 'Whoa! You're gonna eat that?' Extremely suicidal tendencies may cause a spouse (usually the male) to use this statement to the other, who in turn, may turn homicidal.
  • Statement 4 : "Who ate that last gulab jamun?" (or pizza, or chocolate bar. Never, never an apple, a salad or a bowl of sprouts) - Self explanatory.
  • Statement 3 : "Lets get this straight - you asked me to marry you." Sometimes this statement may resemble a broken record - interspersed with bouts of crying. Other versions may include 'I should have listened to my mother / friends / neighbour / pet dog....." (no, fathers don't make it to that list, and mothers top that list)
  • Statement 2 : "But you used to like it ....." could be used in varying intensity depending on usage - from a personal quirk (like a snorting laugh, or an a nasal twang a la Reshammiya, etc.)to food, item of clothing, or bedroom moves.
  • Statement Numero Uno : 'You've changed.' This little bomb demands special attention from the listener. Things you should not do if you want to live to see your next birthday:
    • Statement 7 
    • Statement 5 (Ensures torture before death)
    • Statement 3 (Ditto)
    • 'So have you!' (Most commonly used, and proof that idiots still exist. Will secure the talker a position on the couch.)
Any additions?

35 comments:

  1. I have been told so many times by Geet in our 2.5 years of marriage that I have changed.
    I promptly tell her to get me exchanged. Maybe with the guy living upstairs?
    It is too late for that - she sulks!

    And yes, we have that fight about switching off the light every night. She sleeps closer to the switch, by the way.

    Loved this post. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amit... you and your wife certainly have a good sense of humour! (makes things much easier!)... and the switch thing is a daily affair for us :-)... thanks!

      Delete
  2. Lovely post...
    Hubby dear's fav line :
    "Don't teach old dog new tricks".... 'cause he doesn't want to change some of his habits... of course they are silly little things ..so I really don't bother much.
    Let him be happy the way he is...he is such a wonderful and caring husband!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Shobha... so good to see you here! Yeah, it is these small things that add masala to the whole dish called marriage, no? ;-)

      Delete
    2. He he, didi.. I can actually imagine him saying that to you!! :P

      Delete
  3. He He..loved the post! I especially have a phobia on statment 3 :) If at all the guy tells that to me, I will flip out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Archana.... no,no... I don't think a guy will EVER say that... its reserved for the wives ;-). Thanks for coming by.

      Delete
  4. :) thank you for the heads up , I shall keep an eye he he he ..


    Bikram's

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha!! Bikram, no amount of heads up is actually going to prepare you for the real thing ;-)...

      Delete
  5. These seem more like (mis) commandments one should keep an eye out for. If that was the objective here - point taken.

    Yet another hilarious one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahahaa!! AS... no. This post was not aimed at creating mortal fear of wedding vows. It was aimed at only letting all those-in-waiting how humorous marriage can really get! Thank you for the constant encouragement!

      Delete
  6. What a funny little post!


    Is this actually happening? I mean, you hear about all these jokes in a marriage but luckily I have never come across such a situation in real life...my parents are kind of miffed with each other even after 22 yrs of marriage, more than ever now :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hehehe.... well, Kshipra, in my household, there is a constant comedy circus running - the main characters being the kids and the parents. So yeah, I'd say these things do happen - look at all the comments from other married chaps ;-) !

      Delete
  7. Nice and funny. After 27 years of wedded bliss(?) we have finally agreed on one thing. The children have inherited all good things from her side of the gene pool.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awesome logic Vivek.... the secret to your long wedded bliss has just been revealed :-) .... if only all husbands could get the same logic!! Thank you for coming by!

      Delete
  8. Hahah the gift thingie came biting in my butt once, wen I told him, with no consideration at all, how awful the gift was, Lol, I still get to hear how rude I was "once" and he never tried gifting me on my birthdays again, Lol! Post cracked me up in the morning!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hehehe Poonam, hubby dear would have used the 'rude' incident to his advantage; better turn a few facts around, before he gets into the habit of 'no-gifting'!! Thanks !

      Delete
  9. hahaha..i think i have got a guide to
    "how-to-not-let-monotony-remain-in-your-marriage"
    i shall remember this when i get married..!
    I liked all the pointers..
    Let the Craziness prevail :):):)

    cheers !!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh- don't you worry Meoww.... the inventory of craziness is quite large, and there are going to be crazier posts on this.. :-)

      Delete
  10. ha ha good one... light swith, locking the doors, glass of water in the night... we have all such fights :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GBTP.... yeah! that would figure in most people's list too :-)... Good addition.

      Delete
  11. Great stuff. I think, "Statement 7" is used most.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Rajesh... actually statement 7 is more 'misused' than any other - infact I think no one believes the word 'meeting' anymore :-)

      Delete
  12. Now I want to write 11 to 20....:p good one

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Woweee!! Look forward to the list from 11 to 20..! thanks FiF

      Delete
  13. Hehe. That was funny! :D
    Does the statement 'You don't love me any more' also come in this list? Of course, I'm not married or in a relationship - only have the movies/soaps to go by ;)
    Thanks for the list, by the way. I'm sure that if I use any of these (after I get married), I'll think of you :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes!! how could I forget that one?? Vinitha, that statement should have made it atleast to the top three! :-)
      Thank you!

      Delete
  14. And that is one great post!! :)
    Enjoyed everything.. especially the "You have changed" bit, and more so, thing NOT to do once you encounter "You have changed". :) We women have to have our cake and eat it too, and complain about it and also eye another flavor. :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hehehe.... how true!!! We are mean sometimes, aren't we? ;-)
      Thank you Punam!

      Delete
  15. Ϲool blоg! Is yоur thеmе custom maԁe οr
    did уou downlοаd it fгom ѕomeωherе?
    A design lіκe yourѕ with а feω simplе aԁjuѕtements woulԁ reallу makе my blog stand out.
    Plеaѕe lеt mе knoω wherе you gοt уοur design.
    Thankѕ a lot
    Check out my page - 24options

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Anon.... the theme is one of the default themes of blogspot .... Will check out your blog too.... thanks for coming by.

      Delete
  16. Superb list and I remember fighting over #3 the most :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah!! No. 3 is one of my favorites too... thanks!

      Delete
  17. LOL!!! Better not try to count the number of times each was said!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah Roshni..... thats a completely new perspective altogether!!! Thanks!

      Delete