Thursday, October 20, 2011

Of wiggly little bottoms and sleepy eyes

An earlier post on bringing up my kids, aimed primarily at humour, also brought about an element of "OMG" with it. Many young, yet-to-be-mothers (and fathers) were concerned that my nerve racking discovery may well mean dwindling population figures (and no thanks to you, Mister 3G-pe-beejee!! P.S. It took me WEEKS of careful listening to figure what the words in the song of the add was all about!).

So here I bring out the pros to all the cons that I lamented about in the last post. I have to be honest here, though. It was never a smooth ride on a well lit highway - and it never will be. My well wishers in all sizes and ages (all the bhabhis, didis and aunties to be given due credit here - 'coz so far, things have shaped up pretty much the way they said it would...) have told me the bumpy, blink-and-you-will-miss-a-milestone ride called parenting will never end till you breathe your last. But then, looking at the brighter side of life, being a parent is like learning how to drive in a BMW convertible - you will never want to sit in the back seat and let go of the steering wheel.

So here goes my random list of memories that keep me smiling ear to ear when I look at my kids.

  1. How I fell in love the moment I held my first-born in my hands. I thought my heart would just burst with varied emotions. I also thought that I would never be able to love anyone as much I did her. I was proved wrong. With the second one, I fell in love with the first kick in my tummy - I didn't even need to see him to know that I was hooked for life - lock, stock and barrel.
  2. How they run up the flight of stairs EVERY evening, racing to reach me first when they come back from school. Their little arms and faces telling me what I can never hear enough of - that I am the most important person in their lives.
  3. My daughter brought back a prize she won in school - bright shiny wrapping paper still on! She hadn't even opened it to see what it was, because she wanted me to see it. Beats even the imaginary Booker on the bookshelf!
  4. When they bring back little red stars in their school books, you can't help but smile. And you know your smile makes their day - talk about multiple benefits! 
  5. The pleasure of seeing wide-eyed comprehension and awe when you explain something complex - like photosynthesis (for the 8 year old) or how to write an '8' without lifting your pencil off the paper (for the 3 year old)
  6. Dressing up a squeaky clean 3 year old in their 'nighty-night' pajamas, or the excited 8 year old for her dance recital.
  7. The 'tickle-tickle' war games on the bed, the water wars in the bath
  8. All the firsts - the first pearly tooth, first word (which incidentally was not "Mamma" for either of them - but who cares!), first day at school, first time on stage, first 'real' wristwatch, first school picnic...... and all the others yet to come.
  9. How my son once got hold of my nail paint, painted his LIPS with it, and came to show me the result. (After nearly a heart attack and half an hour of scrubbing his face, I finally started laughing)
  10. How they think EVERYTHING can be repaired by their Dad - even if it means that Dad secretly gets a new one to replace the ones that he can't mend!
  11. How they fall asleep in the middle of eating, or how they purr in their sleep. (OK.. it may be a snore, but sure sounds like purring!)
  12. "Look Mom - I can eat and sleep at the same time"
  13. How they think their Dad is cooler than Krishh or even Ben 10 ! (Lucky Dads - all they need to do is tell tall tales and ruffle their hair, and he's super Dad.)
  14. How they outgrow their clothes and their shoes, and you know you must be doing SOMETHING right for them to grow like weeds!
  15. How they sometimes do stuff like sharing their toys, or telling the truth - to make you realize how YOU possibly can raise a good person after all...
I am not saying that things will always remain the way they do today. I know the kids will outgrow the tickle games, wiggly-bottom dances and the hero worshipping. But if I am to believe all that my mom told me, I am never going to outgrow being a parent.

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    If you liked this post, catch a hilarious take on marriage here , which incidentally, is also one of the most popular posts on this blog!! Happy reading

Monday, October 17, 2011

Step-by-Step Survival Guide to Mornings

I am thoroughly upset with Darwin and his obnoxious theory of evolution. And to think there still exists doubt on whether humans evolved from monkeys!! I mean, how else can you account for the fact that human kids assume monkey-like intelligence in the wee hours of the day? With extreme conditions calling for extreme measures, there is now a code to every move and counter move in my early morning jungle.

For mothers who look like they've stepped out of the damn cereal commercial - just walk away without reading this post. Believe me - you don't want to know what a REAL household looks like!

Usual turn of events follow the following steps:
  1. Turn off the alarm and mumble a prayer to the God of Time to wait for 5 minutes before it turns 'Get-up-or-you-are-screwed'  hour
  2. Discover in horror that the Time God did not grant you your wish and hence you are, indeed, screwed.
  3. Jump out of bed while looking for the slippers you swore you left by the side of the bed. Amazing how the bloody chappals have developed their own brains but the kids haven't!! 
  4. Run to the kids' room, while threatening mass destruction. That may or may not cause the 8 year old to realize the explosive situation, and WAKE up.
  5. Discover that 8 year-olds are HEAVY to pick up and drop into the bath. Yes - DROP is the right word.
  6. Discover that the bournvita has just caked up into one, solid, miserable mass - and here I quote from SRK's earth shattering, brain numbing act - "If you gotta get screwed, the whole damn universe conspires against you and then, Govinda Govinda!" - or something like that!
  7. Remind the sleeping-on-the-potty-seat 8 year old about the promised mass destruction in code language. In my household the code language is "You awake?" The answer comes by way of another coded message - the flush!
  8. Pack lunch - seemingly simple task. But consider all probabilities - healthy food, TASTY food, availability in the fridge, keeping power for a few hours without changing, tasty when COLD..... and all this has to be in the SAME food!!
  9. Get kiddo into uniform without killing her or damaging the uniform. Difficult - especially in effing Delhi winters. Why, you ask? Pray let me explain:
    • Layer 1: Warmers
    • Layer 2: Shirt and Skirt.
    • Layer 3 : Half sleeve sweater (stupid school uniform!!)
    • Layer 4: Gloves, Socks, Cap
    • Layer 5 : Jacket.
    • THEN discover you forgot the tie and the belt. REMOVE Layer 5 - for which you need to remove some of layer 4!!! Sheeesh!!
  10. Kiddo remembers something 5 minutes before angry school bus driver starts honking - it could be anything from exotic bird feathers to a chocolate bar - and you will find neither on time.
  11. Finally run down the stairs with school bag, water bottle, and art pieces while putting finishing touches on kiddos hair.
  12. REPEAT steps 1 to 11 for kiddo number 2.
  13. Kiddo 2 Step 1 - "We don't need no education, we don't need no bed to sleep"
    Kiddo 2 step 11 - "Angry young man"
  14. Finally, time for some redemption: Wake up sleeping husband by lovingly screaming in his ear - to explain how he is responsible for your plight right now.
And you guys really thought mornings were all about healthy breakfasts??

If you liked this post, do visit this post for a hilarious take on marriage!!