Love and Marriage - Chicken and egg ?

Good ol' Wiki  defines Marriage as "a social union or legal contract between people called spouses that creates kinship. It is usually an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged. Such a union is often formalized via a wedding ceremony

And  the Oxford Dictionary defines it as "the formal union of a man and a woman, typically as recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife"

  

Yuck!!

  

Where on earth have all the romantic dictionary writers of the world vanished off to? I vote we get in the Mills and Boons writers to fill out a few entries in the dictionary as well!

Anyway, what neither definition fails to capture is the enigma, the heartburn, the apprehensions and the debates that have been sparked off by the strongest institution outside of blood relations.

Picture this: A and B, reared in completely different households, with different set of rules and different set of ideologies, unite one fine day and are are expected to merge without conflicts. Well, that's what the definition urges us to believe. This couldn't be further away from the truth! And to complicate everyone's already exhausted brain cells further, we now dissect marriages to determine if love comes after marriage or if marriage comes after love. Lets look at a few widespread notions about both, considering you guys are already this far out into reading all the crap I write :-).

Some of these theories are part of the "Love marriage ya Arranged Marriage" promos on Sony. See the facebook page here.

Hypothesis 1 : Love marriages are lesser of a surprise for the couples since you know each other.

Picture this: girl and guy in love go through the whole day thinking of ways to sneak out of whatever it is they are doing, to go see the other. Single minded concentration on ONLY the other person. Consequently, each one is their spruced up, well - groomed, manicured-pedicured best. Thus they meet, a couple of hours each day, or maybe once in a few days, or even better, once in a few weeks, pining for each other. Enter Karan Johar, Rajshree Productions and Mills and Boons, converting the whole world into a surreal one. A world that overlooks any flaws of 'The One'........ till you are married, that is.

And then marriage happens - the big, fat Indian kinds. After the honeymoon, life starts nudging you into reality. There are chores to be done, bills to be paid, deadlines to be met, and various commitments to various people to be kept. Result? We take the one person we thought we knew so well, for granted - the spouse! (here, we start forgetting that the spouse was 'The One') - Surprise, surprise! 

Wait, all you "That's-why-arranged-marriages-are-for-me" guys and girls, we aren't finished yet.

Hypothesis 2 : Arranged marriages last longer than love marriages.

Ofcourse they do! The whole big-fat-Indian-extended-family, and their neighbours will focus their entire course of life on your marriage in order to make the 'arranged' institution work...... after all, that's what 'culture' is all about! Another reason why arranged marriages seem to have longer endurance is because of expectation setting, and novelty value.

Let me explain : You finally decide, after multiple reruns of FRIENDS, Pretty Woman and Hum Apke Hain Kaun, that you will eventually give up the luxury of living alone. From that moment on, every breathing member of your family (sometimes even dear departed ones may appear in dreams) start 'preparing' you for the inevitable. From learning to cook (because Ma-in-law likes her pakoras fried in olive oil, and the future husband having developed a taste for sushi), to losing like a million pounds to get into that ooh so sexy wedding dress, you are getting 'seasoned' into marriage. The married counterparts contribute in great detail how and what the challenges are going to be, and you are about as confident of the alliance as your are of the political situation in Afghanistan. But the good thing is that the journey is usually uphill for a few years till you discover each other. And soon kids have already made their way into your lives, and you decide to stick it out. Result - longer life expectancy (of the marriages only - we won't get into details of the people stuck in it), or at least it seems like it lasts for ever!

Cynical, skeptical me is not done yet!!

Hypothesis 3 : More love marriages end in divorce than arranged

Ha! That's because worldwide, more marriages (that have the choice of divorce) are love marriages. I mean, love marriages are usually a match between equals. Women are usually empowered in the societies which have rampant love marriage syndrome. As against rural Indian, African or East Asian communities where empowerment is a word they haven't heard. Can you imagine a divorce as a choice in those societies? Yay for that!

The all-important question at the end of this mind numbing post : Where is she headed with all the arguments?

The truth is, it really doesn't matter whether marriage follows love or love follows marriage. In one case, you trust decisions made by others, add in your own risk assessments and commit to a lifetime of companionship with a person you perceive perfect to love. In the other case, you meet someone, let your heart make a decision based on a few hours each day, a few long phone conversations and chat messages, and you do everything you can to spend the rest of your life with the person you love.

In both cases, life throws mundane existence into your lap, and you look away from the beautiful painting you had painted. Then you notice cracks, which you had missed out due to the 100 piece orchestra that was playing in your head all this while. And the rest, as they say, is history.

So, Cynical smartass (I hear you say) what's your point?

Marriage is not like your Mom - you can't ignore her all the while and suddenly arrive with a scraped knee and expect to be smothered with love. It needs constant attention, and TLC.

Marriage is not like a government job - you can't advance ladders just because you have spent time in the same company for years. It needs new ideas, new approaches and sometimes new skills.

Marriage is not like the advertisements of retirement schemes where you forsake the present for the future. It needs today as much as it needs tomorrow - whether you love the person you married, or you married the person you love. Ahem! You see, cynical me is actually in love with the person I am married to - go figure which came first!

This is a post written for the contest by Indiblogger and Sony TV - 'Love Marriage ya Arranged Marriage' on Indiblogger. Do let me know what your take is.