Saturday, August 11, 2012

Love and Marriage - Chicken and egg ?

Good ol' Wiki  defines Marriage as "a social union or legal contract between people called spouses that creates kinship. It is usually an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged. Such a union is often formalized via a wedding ceremony

And  the Oxford Dictionary defines it as "the formal union of a man and a woman, typically as recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife"
  
Yuck!!
  
Where on earth have all the romantic dictionary writers of the world vanished off to? I vote we get in the Mills and Boons writers to fill out a few entries in the dictionary as well!

Anyway, what neither definition fails to capture is the enigma, the heartburn, the apprehensions and the debates that have been sparked off by the strongest institution outside of blood relations.

Picture this: A and B, reared in completely different households, with different set of rules and different set of ideologies, unite one fine day and are are expected to merge without conflicts. Well, that's what the definition urges us to believe. This couldn't be further away from the truth! And to complicate everyone's already exhausted brain cells further, we now dissect marriages to determine if love comes after marriage or if marriage comes after love. Lets look at a few widespread notions about both, considering you guys are already this far out into reading all the crap I write :-).
Some of these theories are part of the "Love marriage ya Arranged Marriage" promos on Sony. See the facebook page here.
Hypothesis 1 : Love marriages are lesser of a surprise for the couples since you know each other.

Picture this: girl and guy in love go through the whole day thinking of ways to sneak out of whatever it is they are doing, to go see the other. Single minded concentration on ONLY the other person. Consequently, each one is their spruced up, well - groomed, manicured-pedicured best. Thus they meet, a couple of hours each day, or maybe once in a few days, or even better, once in a few weeks, pining for each other. Enter Karan Johar, Rajshree Productions and Mills and Boons, converting the whole world into a surreal one. A world that overlooks any flaws of 'The One'........ till you are married, that is.
And then marriage happens - the big, fat Indian kinds. After the honeymoon, life starts nudging you into reality. There are chores to be done, bills to be paid, deadlines to be met, and various commitments to various people to be kept. Result? We take the one person we thought we knew so well, for granted - the spouse! (here, we start forgetting that the spouse was 'The One') - Surprise, surprise! 

Wait, all you "That's-why-arranged-marriages-are-for-me" guys and girls, we aren't finished yet.

Hypothesis 2 : Arranged marriages last longer than love marriages.
Ofcourse they do! The whole big-fat-Indian-extended-family, and their neighbours will focus their entire course of life on your marriage in order to make the 'arranged' institution work...... after all, that's what 'culture' is all about! Another reason why arranged marriages seem to have longer endurance is because of expectation setting, and novelty value.

Let me explain : You finally decide, after multiple reruns of FRIENDS, Pretty Woman and Hum Apke Hain Kaun, that you will eventually give up the luxury of living alone. From that moment on, every breathing member of your family (sometimes even dear departed ones may appear in dreams) start 'preparing' you for the inevitable. From learning to cook (because Ma-in-law likes her pakoras fried in olive oil, and the future husband having developed a taste for sushi), to losing like a million pounds to get into that ooh so sexy wedding dress, you are getting 'seasoned' into marriage. The married counterparts contribute in great detail how and what the challenges are going to be, and you are about as confident of the alliance as your are of the political situation in Afghanistan. But the good thing is that the journey is usually uphill for a few years till you discover each other. And soon kids have already made their way into your lives, and you decide to stick it out. Result - longer life expectancy (of the marriages only - we won't get into details of the people stuck in it), or at least it seems like it lasts for ever!

Cynical, skeptical me is not done yet!!

Hypothesis 3 : More love marriages end in divorce than arranged
Ha! That's because worldwide, more marriages (that have the choice of divorce) are love marriages. I mean, love marriages are usually a match between equals. Women are usually empowered in the societies which have rampant love marriage syndrome. As against rural Indian, African or East Asian communities where empowerment is a word they haven't heard. Can you imagine a divorce as a choice in those societies? Yay for that!
The all-important question at the end of this mind numbing post : Where is she headed with all the arguments?

The truth is, it really doesn't matter whether marriage follows love or love follows marriage. In one case, you trust decisions made by others, add in your own risk assessments and commit to a lifetime of companionship with a person you perceive perfect to love. In the other case, you meet someone, let your heart make a decision based on a few hours each day, a few long phone conversations and chat messages, and you do everything you can to spend the rest of your life with the person you love.

In both cases, life throws mundane existence into your lap, and you look away from the beautiful painting you had painted. Then you notice cracks, which you had missed out due to the 100 piece orchestra that was playing in your head all this while. And the rest, as they say, is history.

So, Cynical smartass (I hear you say) what's your point?

Marriage is not like your Mom - you can't ignore her all the while and suddenly arrive with a scraped knee and expect to be smothered with love. It needs constant attention, and TLC.

Marriage is not like a government job - you can't advance ladders just because you have spent time in the same company for years. It needs new ideas, new approaches and sometimes new skills.

Marriage is not like the advertisements of retirement schemes where you forsake the present for the future. It needs today as much as it needs tomorrow - whether you love the person you married, or you married the person you love. Ahem! You see, cynical me is actually in love with the person I am married to - go figure which came first!

This is a post written for the contest by Indiblogger and Sony TV - 'Love Marriage ya Arranged Marriage' on Indiblogger. Do let me know what your take is.

70 comments:

  1. Not as cynical as you make it sound.. in fact, quite practical.

    This entry might win, just keep your fingers crossed!

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    1. Thank you Anupama! Yours was the first comment. And you know something else? When I started to write, I wanted to win - still do. But now, all I look forward to is varying point of views so that we can crack this code! Thanks for the wishes.

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  2. .Its not if its arranged or love marriage that make it succeed or fail..it is the individuals who are part of the marriage and how they take it forward that matters. Either can succeed or fail. Heard in a mani ratnam movie...cant recall the name...the guy tells the newly weds madhavan and Shalini that love is like a budding rose which is beautiful, fragrant and blooms and in the end will fade away..but marriage is the root which is equivalent to the true self realities that get exposed after marriage. The ability of each partner in being completely open and honest with each other, accepting, compromising and loving their true selves will decide if the marriage fails or succeeds.Doesnt matter if the egg came first or the chicken.

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    1. Spoken like a true romantic Anil! And frankly, the problem with marriage is that we assume it is forever, and we can always take it for granted! But its not true - it needs all the care that the rose bud needs. Lovely anology, Anil. Thanks - for much more than just this comment.

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  3. Great views Meena! Very true and very well written! I am guessing yours was a Love marriage. Was it?

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    1. Shilpa, thank you so much for the kind words! Lets keep the guess open for now, what say?

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  4. Chicken and Egg indeed - some very ponderworthy points there. Crisp as a cracker this was - I shall definitely use this when I get to the bridge before crossing it :P.

    Good luck for the contest.

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    1. @AS.... thank you for the wishes - and really glad you liked it! As far as crossing the bridge when you reach there, man propses and God disposes, my friend. In short, you never know when you fall in love (if you already aren't that is!!)

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  5. liked the last 3 comparisons a lot.. all the best :)

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    1. Sanhita.... thank you for coming by. Glad you like the comparisons!

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  6. nice take! Yes, the age-old rhetorical question of the chicken or the egg applies well over here!!

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    1. Thanks Mom (A&a).... yeah, it does apply well here, doesn't it?

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  7. And hey, personally I think Mills and Boons are too unrealistic and portray silliness as romance. I think - you haven't read Jennifer crusie's romances. They are better and much grounded- humorous!!

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    1. Hmm.... maybe you are right - I never did like out and out romance novels, so I guess I didn't know much about Jennifer Cruise either. But next time I see one, I'll definitely remember to pick one up - humour in romance - this i gotta see!!

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  8. Interesting thoughts. I like the Wiki definition. It suggests that a marriage can happen even without a wedding. I think that the legalisation, ritualisation, or religious validation of marriage will soon be a thing of the past. As sex becomes more and more liberal people will realise that legitimasing sex through marriage vitiates the concept of intimate and meaningful relationship between people. They will realise that the joy of a real marriage goes far beyond the physical relationship. In fact, the real fulfilment often begins to manifest only after a couple of decades of committed relationship where you reach a stage of total acceptance of each other without conditions. And years of shared memories - happy as well as painful - creates a true intimacy beyond just the physical engagement. Even sex becomes more joyful and giving as a couple ages together, if there is a real marriage in the first place.

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    1. I couldn't have agreed with you more, Sir. I remember a conversation with a disillusioned friend who had said "Marriage is an unnatural institutuion which will die a natural death!" .... to which my Mom had replied that if marriage has survived all this while, it is because soceity and the members within have realized the fact that companionship and relationship in the later part of their life has come only through the spouse - no matter how conficting their initial years together were! Thankyou for bringing out this angle to the whole post!

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  9. I think this is one heck of a winner post.
    Crisp read. Thoughts dissected and put out well.
    Great going :)

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    1. Thanks for the wishes, CS - though you don't look all that 'confused' to me! You did pick out a winner, right? *Grinning here*

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  10. Loved your take on it. But yes, it is not as cynical as you made it out to be :) A winner post indeed.

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    1. @ BBTP ... thank God I was able to mask some of the cynicism by choice of words :-) !! The truth is that I entered into matrimony with a dire warning to my parents - I hadt told them that I am going to be back after a year or so, when(notice : 'when' and not 'if') it doesn't work out. Tweleve years and still here!
      Thank you for the wishes!

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  11. geeeeeeeeeeheheheheheheh!!! Man if thr were dictionaries written by mills and boons then thr wud be a separate hard bound book discussing that term :D
    Loooooved your hypothesis and your take on each one of them!!!

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    1. hehehe!! I know!! but it sure would make for some interesting read for a boring dictionary - and then maybe more kids these days would read the dictionary!!!! Thanks for the praise, Red!

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  12. My 2 cents....Marriage is marriage. Great at first and then a barely tolerable alliance where murderous thoughts surface every now and then..arranged or love its the same :))

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    1. hahaha!!! Thats a really honest one Chaitali! "Tolerable alliance" is such an apt description here! Thanks for coming by!

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  13. True true. Makes no difference how ppl meet, it's what they do after they get married that matters. Neat post. All the best for the contest!

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    1. Hey!! thanks for the wishes Sumitra! Hope your writing is coming out great!

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    2. Great and all I don't know. It's coming out in spurts and splutters. That's all. :)

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    3. I'm sure it will ROCK, Sumitra. Can barely wait to see the outcome.

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  14. You got your points bang on...and maybe I couldn't have read this at a better time. Today evening I have to decide upon someone if to say yes or no; although I will mostly say No only but I am still getting cramped feet

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    1. Wow! Pesto, I think your decisions should be made taking into consideration that marriage is an evantuality - so you might as well go jump in; but some advice : If you feel the person has the intellignce to keep up a perky competition, a sense of humour to keep up a few smiles each day and a heart gentle enough to warm a few cold nights - look again before you say no - all the best!

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    2. Perfect advise .. that sums it all:)

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    3. Anil ...... thank you so much!!

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  15. I am glad some of the cynicism from my blog was passed on to you.. Great blog there... Keep it going...

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    1. hahaha!!! Thanks Nikhil - the instant reaction to this comment was to go visit your blog! And am an ardent follower now - loved the sarcastic streak in it! And thanks for the wishes!

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  16. Wow a superb post Nirvana.. gives the best view of the institution :)

    And I'll be relooking at this post for ur cool insights at the end when my time comes :)

    As usual, great work, Nirvana!

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    1. Thanks RAJ - you are kind, and its an honour to have you visiting this site...... And I do hope your time comes with a bang and lasts a lifetime!

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    1. :-) .... experience huh??? Thanks for coming by!

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  18. Hmmm interesting points...I always think in arranged marriage expectations are realistic.This point is something youngsters forget.Being in love is one thing and cleaning dishes after a romantic candle lit dinner is another...

    P:S:I had a love-err-arranged-err-confusing marriage...

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    1. yup! Every word hits the nail! Reality comes with a chuckle and ruins the ad break, doesn't it? Thanks a lot for coming by, Blue Lotus!

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  19. HA HA HA! Truly witty. almost unassailable take. I wouldn't be much surprised if you win this one.

    Since you seen to be a guy who like chronological order of things : :P

    1 : YUCK! indeed! the definitions just takes the marriage out of the marriage doesn't it! A social contract ? right! lets see how their wives thinks of it.

    2: Indeed its true that the ones made of silver dust has idealised love to such an extend that common man never find it anywhere other than in the flicks they make.

    3. Geez! these guards of culture make it point that this lasts a longer time than it should.

    i really wish that we come to a time when marriage happens for the sake of marriage and everything it symbolizes.

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    1. Wow!! Thanks Rupertt..... Appreciate the kind words! Really! Wouldn't it be just lovely if marriage was less of a symbol and more of a lifestyle change that comes on as naturally as it does with a career change?
      P.S. While I do write like a guy gone beserk with the keyboard, the well kept secret is that I am a woman (really! go check my profile!)

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  20. That two (or more) people can think of the same set of issues in the same manner in this debate is a given! I am astonished by how much your views parallel mine - needless to say, I found this great!!

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    1. Thanks for comeing by.... really appreciate it... and yes, the similarity in viewpoints is so uncanny!! I was quite flummoxed when I read yours too .... so glat you like this post!

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  21. nice post
    read mine too
    http://amar-chinta.blogspot.com/2012/08/arrange-marriage-outdated-approach.html

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    1. Hi Nilanjan... welcome to the blog. I read your post - the research you put in was superb! Looks like you went through a lot of old scriptures here!

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  22. chicken and egg indeed !!! very well written post ..I enjoyed the humor in the post ... All the very best !

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    1. TTT ... thanks for coming by... and glad you liked the humour!

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  23. an excellent post indeed...
    wish u good luck :)
    and m ur new follower right away :)

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    1. Thank you Jasmeet .... am honored you have decided to follow the blog!! Will be wonderful to have your viewpoints on the topics discussed here! Welcome aboard!

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  24. Very well done. Followed your link back here and was grinning right through your post. Glad to have connected. Very few manage to tickle my funny bone...yeah I am a stickler that way. Will keep coming back for more! Good luck!

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    1. Well.... same here! And you've got it going hilarously too! Thank you for coming by.

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  25. What to say ... ? I absolutely loved it... Too good!!

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    1. Thank you Nabanita... Glad to have you here!

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  26. Very well written. Absolutely loved the learnings at the end. My fav - It needs today as much as it needs tomorrow. So so true and so easy to forget. Good luck for the contest.

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    1. Thank you so much OM .... that bit is my favourite too - though G & I, both of us tend to forget it in the obsession to plan for the future!! Thanks for your wishes !

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  27. You have written it well. Not once did it sound cynical. Infact it was all truth.

    All the best for the contest :)

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    1. Thank you Metherebel .... really? It sounded pretty tongue-in-cheek to me - maybe I am losing the touch! :-)
      Thank you for the wishes!

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  28. Hahaha...this was an extra ordinarily practical post.

    "love marriages are usually a match between equals." so true!! But I don't see why that should be a reason for it to end in divorce? And aren't today's "concerned relatives" web surfing for "a doctor for our doctor" or "an engineer for our engineer" ;)

    But anyways, loved the three "non-comparisons" and the way you present.. umm.. points? yea.. points...oh you get the idea :D
    Will go through the rest of your posts shortly ;)

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    1. Thank you for coming by, II .... and thanks for bringing up the 'equals' point. You see, earlier, divorces were far lower than today for the simple reason that one spouse (usually the female) was much younger, much less educated, had very little financial independence, and was generally, taught to be second-to-the-pati-parmeshwar. Today, especially in urban setting, women demand the same privileges as the male spouse - i.e.... "I am back from office after a hard day too - so why should I be the one making chai for you....." etc..... makes sense?

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  29. Excellent portrayal of marriage and it's woes and joys.
    Supe.

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    1. MV ... thank you! 'Woes and joys' ... nice ;-)

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  30. Great write up... u have brought up quite many interesting points and also most of them are generally those which are told by relatives once you mention about love marriage..

    I think yours was an arranged marriage but now u r enjoying a time no less than a happy love marriage...
    have fun!!!

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    1. Thank you for coming by, Manjulika. Quite a debatable topic, this is! And each one of us have had our experiences in this, wo a very popular topic too. Heheheh.... well, as far as I am concerned, I've been married too long to be classified into either of the two :-)

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  32. I just loved your hypothesis 2.You really have made a point that love marriage do have a choice of divorce while in arranged marriages they really dont have an option because of less awareness,inferiority,tendency to adjust to everything,accepting everything and attributing everything to fate rather than accepting it as a mistake and moving on.I just hope you win as that will really make this article come into the limelight and will be read by a wider audience !

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    1. Tejas - thank you so much for the wishes! The results are out, and I didn't win anything :-( ... but the fact that some people thought this was a good read more than made up for it!! Thanks once again!

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  33. Well, I must say I liked your analogies... Congrats on your happy married life, by the way!

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    1. Annajohn .... thanks for coming by; and thanks for the wishes too.

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