Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Walking "The Talk"

I thought I'd just shut my eyes and ears, and maybe I'll be able to breathe with lesser difficulty. I was wrong. Every time there is any woman I know, who does not come home by the usual time she does, I panic.

When it happened in Guwahati, it was because 'she was drunk'.

When it happened in the various villages across Haryana, it was because the poor young boys had too much chowmein

When it happens in the city we just love to hate, it is because they wear clothes too short or too tight, or too bright. Or maybe it is because they party too much, go to all the wrong places, or are dressed too well.

When are we going to realize that in all the statements that we make about such incidents, anything that comes after "because" is exactly what these demons in human form bank upon. It is all the 'because's that help them go scot free after having taken away, horrendously, from an individual their right to live fearlessly.

When I was moving out of home to a hostel closer to college, my parents had 'the talk' with me. All young girls know 'the talk'. My mother first sat me down, and went into the details of what was 'right' and 'wrong' for me. She overcame her embarrassment to tell me all about staying safe, and about wearing right to stay safe. She reminded me that I had to remember them - her and Dad, before I did anything that might cause them pain.

Then Dad sat me down to tell me his version of what he thought I should be doing so that his little girl was not hurt. He too, in his own words, conveyed the message I already knew. I had already been groped, pinched and leered at in crowded buses, in trains and in market places.

When my sister was ready for the same move, this drama repeated itself. She too, got her share of 'the talk'

I do not have a brother. Which means I am not an authority on what parents tell their adolescent / young adult son. So let me ask you readers, especially the men, or women who have male siblings out there, something...

How many will have 'the talk' with their sons?

Let me tell you of a relative who did sit his son down and give him a serious talk. The talk went something like this:

"Son, I know you will have fun. Colleges are meant for that. You will find girls too. Sexy ones (a whisper here) too. Its ok to have fun. Just remember that you can have all the fun in the world, but you will marry the right girl who we choose."

This is not the talk I meant. How many parents of future men have sat them down to teach them to respect women?

How many will tell their darling sons that women are not objects, are not meant to be leered, groped or pinched, no matter what their clothes are.

How many will actually overcome embarrassment (yes, mothers and fathers) to tell the Alpha male that all women, like the person who gave birth to them, have to be treated with dignity? And that the choice of who touches the women's breasts and bottoms are entirely their choice?

How many will tell them that rapists and molestors are a reality, and may even be their friends?

How many will tell them that no woman, irrespective of religion, caste, creed, age, skin color, deserves to be treated the way the girl in Guwahati was, or the girl in the moving bus was, treated?

How many will tell them, "Son, there will come a time when peer pressure will look you in the eye and tell you to do something you know is wrong. When that happens, promise me you will kick peer pressure in the ass, and do the right thing."

I have a son. Embarrassment be damned, I, for one, will tell my son as much, when the time is right. Will you? 

23 comments:

  1. Well said .. as i said in a comment on another post, these men all have women in their home , how are they feeling ..

    Teaching kids to respect will help but more than that LAW needs to be upheld properly, cases take decades .. if they finished in a week things will change.. the law keepers need to change ..

    Its not just about teaching your son alone, its about teaching everyone ..
    the boy with the girl was there wanting to help but he was beaten and cud not do anything .. So there are good kids tooo..

    I think it would make a lot of difference if all six are shot dead .. if not then there will come a time when people will have to take it in their own hands ..

    as our leaders and law protectors are nothing but mere puppets

    Bikram's

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    1. I know, Bikram ..... there are nice kids too - and the agitation and frustration many men too have shown are proof. But the cases are not peripheral in nature.... these are skewed reactions to the conditioning they have been receiving - by the so called 'culture'. These are the same men who have been taught that women are inferior, that they are objects of pleasure, and that they should be kept in their 'place'..... and we all know what law in our country is!!

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  2. A slap across the face for many a parents out there... A person I know too well said, I always urge my daughter to return home early. This turn was depressed that her brother didn't have any restrictions. We tell the girls to 'behave' like a lady and to stay away from harm, whereas the boys are never told to behave like a gentleman...

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    1. yes Chitra.... many people say things like "What was she doing out so late?" too.... don't they realize that they are the ones creating this culture of "because" to let the rapists off the hook - physically and emotionally?

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  3. To be sure!!! I absolutely will!! Still reeling with shock over the news....hope something concrete will be done this time

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  4. Thankfully my parents never gave me 'the talk'. They had utter faith in me which was kind of scary. Usually, in my family, I am the one giving 'the talk' to my parents.
    Nirvana,
    What you have talked about here is the actual solution of the problem. Not capital punishment. Not fast track courts. The solution is to bring up a generation whose brain is not as messed up as the present generation.

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    1. thank you Amit. While your parents may have full faith in you, my question remains the same.... would they have given 'The talk' to your female sibling? Or would they have maintained the same level of trust?

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  5. The law will never make better men and women out there... Fearless parents do... Having the courage to be an example to our children... By respecting each other... At home! I thank God for all those fearless parents out there!!

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    1. Stanley, thanks for coming by. Yes, those parents are the saving grace!

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  6. I fully endorse your views. I say this not because I have no sons but I have seen even so-called educated and enlightened mothers of sons behaving as if they have borne none less than a Hercules or an Achilles. Thank you for pulling out the wonderful angle. May God bless your son.

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    1. Mr. Pandey, I can completely connect with what you say - I know of people who claimed to be happy for me because I had a son!! I reacted almost violently at that time, as my daughter was also standing close by - I shudder to think what kind of sons they must be raising!

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  7. This is exactly that needs to be done. Every parent should have the talk. We keep telling our kids how to say 'Aap' and respect the elders by touching their feet. As a result, we do have a greater majority who respects grown-ups. We need to tell the boys to respect the girls around them too. It will definitely go a long way.

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    1. Thank you Nisha! It stems from all the little things that create bias - from making only the daughter do all the household chores, to allowing the son to have later curfews.... everything contributes to the Alpha male ego.

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  8. I am definitely going to do that Meena. I shudder to think that how things have just gotten out of hand. Each and everyone of us is vulnerable and unless we teach our sons to respect women and not view them as sex objects, we are heading nowhere.

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    1. Precisely!! The apathy is all because we think it can never happen to us!! Thanks

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  9. Hmmmm... it's a nice thought Nirvana.

    I'm still of the opinion that it is the law that need to be strengthened - you know - "if you rape, you will be hanged. Immediately." I think that fear is lacking in our country and that is the start of many, many bad things, including rape.

    I've done a lotta things my folks told me not to do and I thought it was just cool(u knw the popular quote 'I'm what ur parents warned u of')- these things start off in small ways like eve teasing and each incident build confidence fr the next bigger one.

    I've had this same talk with my folks and I realized that it's the same across the world - hv ur fun, kid but be safe - n its more an indication to vile diseases rather than things like respecting women. People will continue to hv fun with the other gender - it's biology - but its the fear of the law that makes sure it stays fun and doesn't tun into something worse. I'm sure these rapists too had their mothers, sisters n daughters whom they respect. But add in a lil alcohol, their flagrant disregard of the law surfaces.

    I think parents shud teach kids to respect women, respect what is right n respect the law.

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    1. I don't disagree, RAJ. We do need strong laws. But with the kind of short term memory our law makers (breakers??) have, looks like we'll have to be, as parents of future generations, take up the job of cleaning up the society ourselves, no? Respect is universal - untouched by any bias, including sex - thats what we need to teach them - well put, RAJ!!

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  10. Hello, have landed up here from the contest page somehow. Completely resonate with your post here. Except that the time is NOW...never too early to start the talk and the walk.

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    1. Good to see you here, Nilanjana. And yes, the time is indeed, now!

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  11. Yes, we need mothers to teach their sons the right thing. Once they know whats right, now chowmein, chhote kapde and bollywood films will shake their foundation

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    1. Surprisingly, Varsha, it is the mothers of the menfolk who endorse 'manly' behavior.... such as walking away after leaving their 'jhoota bartan' on the table, expect hot tea and pakoras when they set foot in the house, etc etc.... sad but true!

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