Step-by-Step Survival Guide to Mornings

I am thoroughly upset with Darwin and his obnoxious theory of evolution. And to think there still exists doubt on whether humans evolved from monkeys!! I mean, how else can you account for the fact that human kids assume monkey-like intelligence in the wee hours of the day? With extreme conditions calling for extreme measures, there is now a code to every move and counter move in my early morning jungle.

For mothers who look like they've stepped out of the damn cereal commercial - just walk away without reading this post. Believe me - you don't want to know what a REAL household looks like!

Usual turn of events follow the following steps:

1. Turn off the alarm and mumble a prayer to the God of Time to wait for 5 minutes before it turns 'Get-up-or-you-are-screwed'  hour
2. Discover in horror that the Time God did not grant you your wish and hence you are, indeed, screwed.
3. Jump out of bed while looking for the slippers you swore you left by the side of the bed. Amazing how the bloody chappals have developed their own brains but the kids haven't!! 
4. Run to the kids' room, while threatening mass destruction. That may or may not cause the 8 year old to realize the explosive situation, and WAKE up.
5. Discover that 8 year-olds are HEAVY to pick up and drop into the bath. Yes - DROP is the right word.
6. Discover that the bournvita has just caked up into one, solid, miserable mass - and here I quote from SRK's earth shattering, brain numbing act - "If you gotta get screwed, the whole damn universe conspires against you and then, Govinda Govinda!" - or something like that!
7. Remind the sleeping-on-the-potty-seat 8 year old about the promised mass destruction in code language. In my household the code language is "You awake?" The answer comes by way of another coded message - the flush!
8. Pack lunch - seemingly simple task. But consider all probabilities - healthy food, TASTY food, availability in the fridge, keeping power for a few hours without changing, tasty when COLD..... and all this has to be in the SAME food!!
9. Get kiddo into uniform without killing her or damaging the uniform. Difficult - especially in effing Delhi winters. Why, you ask? Pray let me explain:
• Layer 1: Warmers
• Layer 2: Shirt and Skirt.
• Layer 3 : Half sleeve sweater (stupid school uniform!!)
• Layer 4: Gloves, Socks, Cap
• Layer 5 : Jacket.
• THEN discover you forgot the tie and the belt. REMOVE Layer 5 - for which you need to remove some of layer 4!!! Sheeesh!!
10. Kiddo remembers something 5 minutes before angry school bus driver starts honking - it could be anything from exotic bird feathers to a chocolate bar - and you will find neither on time.
11. Finally run down the stairs with school bag, water bottle, and art pieces while putting finishing touches on kiddos hair.
12. REPEAT steps 1 to 11 for kiddo number 2.



Kiddo 2 Step 1 - "We don't need no education, we don't need no bed to sleep"



Kiddo 2 step 11 - "Angry young man"

13. Finally, time for some redemption: Wake up sleeping husband by lovingly screaming in his ear - to explain how he is responsible for your plight right now.

And you guys really thought mornings were all about healthy breakfasts??

If you liked this post, do visit this post for a hilarious take on marriage!!