Thursday, December 1, 2011

Meet the parents

What 'Men are from Mars...' did not cover was how men and women behave as parents. And believe me, when we take a close look at ourselves, it looks straight out of a comic book. As Manu Joseph would have us believe in his amazingly simple novel 'Serious Men', "When you observe serious men long enough, they become comical."

Parenting is very serious business. It goes beyond the institution of family, and on to create the futures of the world. And there are many concientious parents who truly believe that they can make a difference to the future with their contributions.

But, having said that - THATs certainly not what I am going to write about now. Completely true to my Aquarian bearing and sarcastic little grey cells, I fully intend to bring out the comic side to this very serious occupation.

Have you seen parents talk? To each other, to their own kids, to other kids, to THEMSELVES (yup! this borders on slight schizophrenia common to parents with really bad stress management skills). And here, fathers take a complete different take on the same issue as mothers. And THAT, ladies and gents, is what I intend to portray here. Some samples:

Scene 1. Four year old toddler has decided to take up painting as a profession.

Problem : His canvas is your satin-finish-expensive-as-hell living room WALLS and his paints are discretely smuggled nail paints and lip gloss.
Mother : *Scream/wail/gasp/faint*  followed by *run/scrub/hyperventilate etc.*
Father: : "Dude, you know how we can get this goop off my TV screen so I can watch the match?"

Scene 2 :  8 year old comes back saying the neighbour's kid would not play with her.

Problem : You want her to be able to make friends, get enough exercise by playing in the park, learn to play badminton, and OUT OF YOUR HAIR while you burn err.... make dinner.
Mother : "How many times have I told you that the best way to keep friends is to share your stuff.... what did you refuse to share now? And do you think dinner makes ITSELF come on the table? And after all the pastas I have made for the neighbour's kid when SHE comes here.... hey! COME BACK HERE!! ....."
Father : "Great! Now we can see the match together..... Did you know your Dad was the best bowler in college.......?!"

Scene 3 : Getting ready for a wedding

Problem: Its a WEDDING !!
Mother : "You, get off your butt and take a bath. YOU, stop watching your stupid cartoon and finish your milk. And YOU.... you just stay out of they way!" (you can decide what statement holds true for whom!)
Father : "I'm telling you EVERYONE's gonna be late - its a WEDDING, for heavens' sake. And why does she need to take a bath? She just showered yesterday!"

Scene 4 : Four year old brings back a note from school :"Your ward is not willing to write inspite of the teacher's help and prefers to draw cars" (yes, they ACTUALLY write 'ward'!)

Problem : Its MY son, dammit!
Mother : "How dare they call my son an idiot! What do they expect, an Oxford professor in Nursery? Where's my pen, let me write something intelligent back so that she'll know WE are not idiots!"
Father: "You the man! You like cars, dude? Wait till Dad gets his Ferrari ........"
Mother: "@#!$%$#^#$!!"

Scene 5 : Some poor shy little eight year old guy smiles at daughter at a party.

Problem : Daughter is cute
Mother : "Aww.... he's such a well behaved kid! Whats your name beta? Who is your Mummy?"
Father: "Grrrrrrr" When alone with the guy, "Watcha doing here? Got no folks of your own to bug?" While pulling said daughter behind him.
Mother : "What was that all about? Why did you make the poor guy cry?"
Father : "He's a GUY - that's why!"

Scene 6 : Son falls down and hurts knee.

Problem : When 4 year olds scream, the whole neighbourhood thinks you are murdering someone.
Mother : "Aww.... baby, its ok. See Mummy will beat the rock that hurt you (yup! we really do it!) Whack! whack! And Mummy will give you a kissy - wissy and all the pain will vanish" (can you believe this crap works?)
Father : "Get the band-aid! Get the dettol! Get the cotton! Oh my God! Blood! Where's the buffoon who knocked you down...............We may need to get the tetanus ....."

Scene 7 : Two parents talking

Mother : "Your son is so sweet. He really knows how to behave in front of elders." (While thinking "Wonder which school he goes to! But what horrible taste in clothes!")
Other Mother : "Oh thank you. He is verrrrry studious in school. But we have always encouraged his dance classes as well." (While thinking, "I hope she asks about his dance so that I can mention the Boogey Woogey competition he was in!")

Father : "Hi. My son can draw cars." (Thinking, "I wonder which car he likes to draw - I bet its a Ferrari.")
Other Father: "Really? Mine too." (Thinking, "I should check if  he can draw a Ferrari....")
*Shake hands and leave.*

No. I do not want to give away my family, but thank you very much for asking!


  1. Very well said, serious people become comical if you observe them long enough! This post made me all smiles! "Lets watch match together" and "Everyone is going to be late" are typical lines my father uses.. :) :)

  2. So true.. we men tend to see things from an absolutely different point if view than women.

  3. :) reminds me of one household he he he he


  4. I bow down to you Oh Nirvana, almost every single post that you write makes me guffaw in laughter.

    Highlight was - "She just showered yesterday"

    Yes, We Men are simplistic creatures.

  5. bwahahahhahahha
    dude...epic post dude..!!!
    and SCENE 5 was sooooooooooooo cuteeeeeee!!!!!
    'loved the post ladayy
    happy parentinggg!!!!

    cheers !!

  6. @Maithili ... heheh.. looks like all Dads are alike!
    @Meeta ... thank you!
    @Roshan ... two sides of a coin, buddy!
    @Bikram ... believe me, much more than one I can bet!
    @Ajay .. thank you!
    @Atrocious ... hehe that was adorable! wonder how I will get my super bloated head out of the door now!!
    @Anon! : No name, I can buy, but a comment without a comment? Awww come on ... now I can't sleep in peace till I know what '!!!!!!!!' means!
    @Meoww ... thank you... and scene 5 was straight out of a page in my life... sigh!!

  7. You've, yet again, managed to present the much required parenting skills in a funny light.

  8. Hahahah :))) Very well written. :))

  9. @Maxims... thank you so much!
    @A .. am sure you have similar 'Dad' experiences!

  10. Scene 1: Been there, done that. On BOTH sides of the spectrum:P
    Scene 2: :D you just described my Grandpa and Grandma when I was a kid:D
    Scene 3: I totally feel you:D On TOP of this, you'll have to be lady-like in a six yard silk saree with jewelry and control all three, what fun.
    Scene 4: Ah well, is he in a school which is fancy and asks for humongous amounts in fees while they advertise 'cent per cent results'? The KG teachers in such schools are either so awesome that they shape the child's future all by themselves or so crappy that they insist on calling the child ward.
    Scene 5: Awwww, that's so sweet:) Whatever they do for themselves and the women in their lives, when it comes to their daughters men have too many double-standards:P It's really cute:)
    Scene 6: Again, awww:) Hitting the rock, what we end up doing for children:):)
    Scene 7: Dad seems to be obsessed with Ferraris:D

    I love your posts:)

  11. Hahaha.. wow, awesum here on the way u brought out the gender wars in this situation too :)

    Remarkable writing, Nirvana :)

    (Thinkin 2 myself.. wonder if its a red Ferrari or yellow....?)


  12. @PeeVee ... heheh! your comment was funnier than my post! Thank you so much!

    @Raj.... red ferrari it is! And thank you!

  13. hahaha, awesome post!!! was going through the humor section on indivine and then realized it's your blog. you know how difficult it is to find a humor post that can actually make you laugh. enjoyed the read!! god bless you :D!!

    1. Thanks so much Debajyoti .... this comes as quite a compliment from a terrific blogger as yourself.

  14. That could be us.. The Husband and I... you're bang on with your descriptions.

    1. Obsessivemom.... so love your profile name - that could be me too!! And thanks for coming by. Glad you liked the post.

  15., in a way its once again established here that "men are from mars and women from venus".....
    awsome write up, enjoyed thoroughly....:)

    1. Irfanuddin, thank you for coming by .... well yes, men and women are from two planets, and thats what makes life exciting no? Would have been quite boring otherwise.