Friday, November 2, 2012

Of Karva Chauth, the 'Chaste' wives and TV Soaps

Lets do a simple exercise. Go to the most knowledgeable, most sought after friend, guide and teacher  (Ofcourse I was referring to Google ) and ask for something called an 'ideal hindu husband'....

Any luck? No? Oh... so one of the oldest civilizations in the world has nothing to offer, no two bit to preach to an important player in a marriage?

Oh Ok! I get it. Marriage is not all that important in our civilization, right?

Now lets try 'ideal Hindu Wife'.... WHOA!!!! Google really does adore ideal wives. If you are as lucky as me, you'll find, atleast in 5 different sites, the following couplet:

"Karyeshu Dasi, Karaneshu Manthri;
Bhojeshu Mata, Shayaneshu Rambha;
Roopeshu lakshmi, Kshamayeshu Dharitri;
Satkarma Nari, Kuladharma Patni"


Let me translate it to you poor sanskrit-unaware chaps out there:
"A servant (literal meaning is actually 'slave') while working,
A clever minister while advising (the husband; only the husband, mind you)
A mother when feeding (that explains the eternal 'cook like my Mom syndrome')
A slut celestial nymph - Rambha in bed (of husband ofcourse gasp!!! what were you thinking?)
A looker like Goddess Lakshmi
As patient (forgiving) as mother Earth
A lady with all these virtues (?)
Is the perfect wife"

Go on. Read that again. I am sure there is quite a considerable percent of our population who are rueful why they weren't born in the century that actually practised this. And if this couplet leaves any room for doubt, you'll even find training manuals for good wives.

Now, before you spring the it-has-been-wrongly-translated thing on me, let me also tell you that we are master con men when it comes to twisting words the way we want to. Read it any way you wish - does any version make you feel better about the expectations from a 'kuladharma patni'?

But forget the Manusmriti (incidentally, point number 18, 19 and 20 were runners up; but the winner hands down is point number 25 - superb, I tell you!!) even Balaji Telefilms believes this is exactly how the good wife should behave. Just ask the Viranis, the Raizadas, the Singhanias, the Aggarwals etc. how they like their 'bahus' - decked up, eyes downcast and calling their husbands 'Mannu key Papa'

The reason for this sudden outburst? Why, our good old Karva Chauth!!

It all began when my daughter saw me all decked up in Karva Chauth finery (worthy of a Balaji Film set), pooja thali in hand. I had just finished throwing the flowers and rice at the moon, and done the ritual as Mom-in-law had taught me years ago. During the first Karva Chauth, Mom-in-law and me had both vehemently agreed  to one thing - the saris and the jewelry and the sweets were fine, but no fasting-shasting for us hot blooded food lovers......

Daughter dearest looked up expectantly at me, finally telling me "Go on. Do it already!!"

I looked at her quizzically and asked, "Do what, princess?"

Princess : "Go touch Papa's feet. That's what they do in the movies right? So do it!"

Me : Gasp!!!!!

Husband : ROFL......(literally!)

Truth be told, if I had to fast to keep hubby alive, I would have run away from the wedding. On a more serious note, a corollary to this is, is there anything that the husband is supposed to do to ensure the wife has a long life?

No, I'm not talking about a crazy eyed ShahRukh Khan doing a DDLJ for karva chauth (though I was pleasantly surprised to see this breed of young men too). I'm talking about a true dictum (like the ones for women : the vat savitri, the teej, the karvan chauths, the varalaxmi vratams....)

Anyway, back to the most important question : Why aren't there any directives for men on the bencmarks for an ideal Husband? Or is there no such thing as an ideal husband?

I tried all the search options I could think of, from 'Ideal Husband' to 'Role of Husbands in Manusmriti' .... but couldn't come up with anything remotely similar for husbands. Why?

Any thoughts?

36 comments:

  1. I have read that couplet earlier. I was shocked beyond words. I still find it hard to believe that it is from one of our holy books.
    I think if we look at our scriptures and stories like Ramayana and Mahabharata, the guys were never ideal. They did mistakes after mistakes and made life miserable for their wives.
    Maybe, we never had the concept of an ideal guy.

    About the touching feet thing - the first time I saw Mom touch dad's feet during karvachauth, I could not believe she did that. They were clawing each other the night before. :)

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    1. hehehe!! yeah ... imagine, just a few hours ago we too were at each others throats!!!

      Coming to the couplet, this was quite a popular choice of background music in serials :-) !!

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  2. :) the wonders of rituals and TV soaps he he he
    well I keep fast yeah .. Today i got up at 6.. had my milk and left for work .. I will go home around 10pm at night .. usually there is no time for lunch and dinner is at 8 in office :) I promise I wont have dinner but go home and have it

    There you go a WART ... :)

    I dont think there is anything called Ideal for anything, we are humans , if we become ideal then we will be GOD..

    Bikram's

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    1. Good for you, Bikram!! You can easily keep the karva chauth vrat like SRK for ur better half :-D !

      And so true - there can never be an ideal, its so wrong to expect it from a woman who has spent 25 years of her life in another style to suddenly wake up one day to be the 'ideal' bahu!!

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  3. Shocking and very disturbing couplet it is and I just read the manusmriti link you shared that has only added fuel to my already agitated from the couplet mind.

    I feel the Hindi movies have twisted the already convoluted traditions by making all sorts of unacceptable rituals appear to be done 'out of love'.

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    1. ME .... Manu was the worst MCP in the history of MCPs.... and the link explains it well! So sad that so many of our current generation still think on the same lines! And lets not even go to the movies or even worse - the serials!!

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  4. And not to forget the "deergh sumangali bhava" aashirvaad on touching an elder's feet.

    Isn't the husband getting free well wishes when actually its the wife seeking them??

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    1. oh yes!! the husband got every wish the moment the world discovered he was a male child!!! Sad, no?

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  5. I think that couplet led to the genesis of genetic engineering :P

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    1. hahahaha!!! Sushmit - trust you to come up with something to make me laugh even on a preposterous post as this!! Thanks!

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    2. Haha, there is nothing preposterous about this :) Indians have always been pretty good at science and all. I'm sure there was a counterpart for male perfection too, might be it got lost/burned in the ravages of time :P

      Cheers!!

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  6. The couplet is shocking to say the least!

    Have heard so much about a woman's version of Mahabharatha.."The palace of illusions" Should read it soon!

    When I first saw a Hindu wedding, I was mesmerized with all the rituals until the priest asked the bride to stand up and bend down to touch the groom's feet. My excitement just died a quick death. Why should women do that? Why is it still followed in this 21st century?

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    1. Hmmm....... I should get my hands on it too. do let me know how the book was... seems interesting. The 21st century is a misnomer when it comes to the majority of rural India, Nandana. And thats why things are never really going to change.

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  7. Clearly a "Ideal Husband" is a myth. Much like Yeti.

    Had not heard this Couplet before. Quite shocking indeed.

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    1. Hahahaa!!! Had read that somewhere too - like a 'yeti'....

      This couplet has been the nightmare of every to be bride - she has to look beautiful, cook like a dream, behave like she is a doormat ....

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  8. That day my mom was watching some TV serials and the background score was the couplet you mentioned in constant chanting manner....I was appalled. I had read about this and manusmriti earlier as well bt never could have imagined same stuff still used in modern day tv soaps!!
    I have read Manusmriti and I feel it is 90% crap....sorry but that is my personal opinion ...was not able to control my anger.

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    1. Completely agree with your views on Manusmriti. My only hope is that the guy we are all named after (Manushya) did not write this, and some totally sadistic guys wrote this as his work later on .... coz if Manu really created this, he has no right to be called the father of man.... or woman!

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  9. LOL at your daughter's request!!! You know of course that you're asking a completely redundant question!!

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    1. Roshni... trust kids to come up with absolutely the most embarrassing thing! And yes, the question does indeed seem redundant, no?

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  10. Simple and easy: because all the scriptures, rules and roles were written by men/husbands!! And interestingly it is not only with Hindus; Muslim and Christian teachings also paint the same picture! How pathetic!.. and how ignorant of those who follow these stupidities..
    Very well written! Congrats! Thank you!!

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    1. What simple and perfect reasoning! Come to think of it, yes, almost all religions have the same approach - sad! But even sadder is that so many people in our country still think this is gospel truth - as you can see!
      Thank you!

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  11. Very well written, funny at the same time clearly conveyed
    your mind set. I agree with you but tell me did you touch hubby's feet just for fun and game :)

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    1. No,no and no. Not only did I not touch hubby's feet, I also ensured the message was clearly conveyed to daughter as well..... She touches feet of people only when she is overwhelmed with respect for that person - just like her mother and her father do.
      Infact, on the wedding day, my husband refused to let the pandit make me touch his feet ;-)

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  12. oh damn, never cared of fasts, for husband, myself or anyone else. For my better being, I cannot make my stomach growl and weep! sorry! So DH on the same note, got ne a BIG bar of belgian chocolate to celebrate :D , or what they car Karwa chauth- meh!

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    1. hahahha!! thats the spirit Poonam!! But think - we have husbands on our side. What about the women who are compelled, by emotional or other pressures to keep the fast?

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  13. Oh my, I cannot simply believe that Sanskrit verse. :/ And yes, how come the same thing doesn't apply for the husband? Is it something to do with how the scriptures have been interpreted in such a way that they (the men) can continue to exploit women. For that matter, I have always been intrigued by the Ramayana- the part where Sita wills mother Earth to swallow her, because Ram is worried about wagging tongues in his kingdom. And people referred to Ram as an 'ideal' husband- oh, the irony!

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    1. KSS - absolutely! Ram was the ideal man 'maryadapurushottam' .... but was he the best husband to a wife who gave up everything to be with him in a jungle? Also, if you click on the links in the post, u'll find 'manuals' for wives, which says that women who 'talk back' to their 'swamy' can be beaten up!!!!

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  14. No there is nothing called ideal husbands because no matter whatever they do or dont do they remain superior. Forget about being superior we women are not at par with them and hence all such rules and regulation. it's a ploy developed by menfolk many many many centuries back. No wonder there is no feminine word for banjh, kulta, pativrata naari, daayan and etc.

    Loved the post esp. because of the subtle but intelligent humour thrown in. Television also supports and encourages those ageold hollow traditions.

    P.S: Thank you for you such an encouraging comment on my blog and my sincere apologies for visiting you blog this late.

    Take care.

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    1. Wow! Preetilata ... that was a new perspective! Indeed, there is no male eqivalent to a 'baanjh' or a 'kulta'..... how interesting!! Thanks for coming by!

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  15. Forget husbands...thr is no ideal man itself..Men such hypocrites!
    Amazing writeup...cracked me up...princess part :D

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    1. Hehehe.... princess offers such crack-up deals quite often! Thank you!

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  16. I don't wear my "thaali" or "mangalsoothra", i dont put "sindoor" on my forehead, I like keeping my hair short, i don't worship my husband,i dont fast and nor do i pay for any temple service neither for my husband's well-being nor for my son - What is the end result... my husband and in-laws are disappointed and worried thinking my son will grow upto be as 'disrespecting' as I am. I still remember the scolding i got from my father-in-law 2 months after my wedding for not wearing the "thaali"....
    what is wrong with everyone???

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    1. Thats sad Lini..... but thank God you had the gumption to keep doing what you felt was right... kudos to you!

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