Thursday, June 23, 2011

Farm Tomatoes!

Some sentences stay in your memory. No, I am not talking about the highly inspirational guru-speak that people say when they are reeling under the effect of a certain potent liquid. I am talking about the stuff that lurks somewhere in the back of your head, swimming to the surface of your memory only to make you cringe. Still don't get it? Look at some statements my poor brain has been subjected to:

"You can sit in the backside." - yeah sure, the place you want a foot planted?

"I saw a LOIN in the zoo." - while your eyes are very nearly popping out, someone is vigorously nodding head and showing you how big the 'Loin' - err... the lion was.

"Doctor said me to have 'eye-run' for the blood." - just while wondering how an eye running away can cure anemia, I am given graphic detail about the effect iron syrups have on the said person's bowel movement.

"She has beautiful long hairs." While contemplating mass murder in the school which taught this lover boy his English, you also want to box his ears while asking "And would that be nose hairs?"

And how can I forget all the times I have writhed in agony at all the 'bis-kutts' that seem to be making the rounds in Delhi. For the uninformed, please watch Band Baja whatever.

And its for a reason that "The" is the most common word in the English language - we have exclusive rights to torture, maim and murder conversation using an overdose of 'the'. Don't believe me? Walk the many pubs, restaurants or (yuck!) 'hep' hangouts (a.k.a PVR cinemas, malls etc) in most parts of Saddi Dilli, and you can hear animated conversations among the young guns that go thus *shudder* :

Him : Do you the luvzzz me?
Her : Hehehehe Yes, I the loooovezzz you..... Now the moviezzz will start in the 5 minutes
Him : Okay... you want the popcorns?
Her : No, I am on the diets, but I have the burgers.......

See what I mean? Honest to God, I would be more than happy to retire poor abused 'the' into deep exile till we learn how to use it! Not all that difficult to make complete sense with a few words sans 'THE' !! In fact, just realized I wrote a whole paragraph without it!

Some real winners:

Very sweet hostess: "Did you sleep well? Was the bad comfortable?"
Me : You mean the BED don't you?
VSH : "Yes, yes, the Baaaaaaaaaaad" (Loud and clear! Over!)
VSH : "I put a new shit on it just for you"
Me : OK I hope you  mean sheet here.....

Excited mom in joo .. i mean zoo : "See! The beer is running." Err ... and is closely followed by the scotch and vodka too! Who knows who might win, indeed!

Aunty helping out with veggies shopping : "Buy only the nice bright farm tomatoes."
Me : Wow! how do you know they are from a farm?
Aunty : "Press hard, see? Not pil-pil. Then you feel it is really faarrrrrrrm."
Me : Please ignore me as I bang my head to the wall .......

Liked this post? Go right here to see a hilarious take on marriage too!


  1. HE he he he ... I better not go there else the BEAR might eat me .. beer wont :)

    and belongings can be THEFT ..

    Both of you three come here ... and yes open the window let the climate come in ... :)


  2. Hahaha :))) Come on now. English is not our first language. Listen to some Americans. Here goes one "I do not know nothing."

  3. Hilarious!! We're all Grammar Nazi's, aren't we, albeit in different versions. I don't mean to sound like a racist but I had once gone to a shop in TVM, run by northies. After we had done the shopping, the lady there took the dress I had bought and asked "Rape kardoo?" I was about to run away when I realised that she meant "Wrap kardoo?" :/
    And yes, another gem was in my university. This guy was our studio assistant. We were freshers, and he was explaining certain rules and ethics of using the studio and all. We were pretty bored, till he said "Thrust is very important"!!! We were flabbergasted, till we realised that he meant 'trust'. :/ I have never ever tried so hard to hold my laughter as I did that day. He was going on and on about 'thrust', and how it is very important!! What was he thinking?! We were a bunch of 21 year-olds with a highly over-active imagination!

    And loved this one- VSH : "I put a new shit on it just for you"
    Me : OK I hope you mean sheet here.....

    And this one: See! The beer is running." Err ... and is closely followed by the scotch and vodka too!
    Adipoli! :D

  4. @Bikram ... yup! the climate can come in nice!! thnx

    @A... hehehe... yeah I know.. but whats stopping us from taking a few laughs at the Hinglish??

    @Spaceman .... man, the 'thrust' is damn good!! still LOL - ing !!

  5. Hilarious! Such gems here. :D Those not pil-pil and faaarrrm tomatoes were the best!

  6. simbly too northy :)

  7. Howlarious! Loved the humour (that's hard to miss!)
    The 'shit' and 'beer' references take the cake :D

  8. @Ajay ... really man... the best place to find humour is the lives we live in!!

    @Anon ... whaddaya expect??? I am a proud Malayalee in Northy land - you think I'd give up a chance?

    @Vinitha ... :-D thanks for making my day!

  9. this post is very interesting but i doubt if these are not written by mentally retarded people.

    India, is best known for diversity, but this diversity has become the decease for it. north indians sounth indians, bihari, bengali, gujraati and see the indians are making fun of indians for the language which is not indian.

    i can make fun of the accent of any person from a specific region in India because I have been living with these guys and gals for 10 years, in my college with the people from all places and in my job and in IIT kharagpur as well(presently). i seriously think that these kind of people( who make fun of accents based on the regions of the persons) should not get away just by saying that " hey i am not being a racist".

    a different accent in English represents a different MTI(mother toungue influence) and we all possess that and that only because we dont respect our mother tongue and specially in this country we freaks can never acknowledge and accept a single language for all. so an MTI is a representative of his/her native place and gives you the opportunity to find out where he belongs to. unless you stop laughing at the people who could not learn properly because they were not given the opportunity to learn like you.

    professors in my college cant operate computer properly and people laugh at that too and you will also laugh when you will know that a professor just wanted to enter in the next line in Microsoft word and instead of pressing return key he went on pressing space bar.

    you are laughing right! but try to understand his perspective. you know the thing you are laughing at can happen with you once you fell in the hands of experts of some field. but know that an expert doesnt laugh at you. have you seen anyone laughing at you on your pathetic answer in viva or interview. well there can also be some morons but generally it doesnt happen.

    i hope people here get some maturity, seriously dude you all need it.

    1. Abhishek, firstly, thank you for taking the time out to comment here. Also while I do understand where you are coming from, it is only recently that I moved this comment from the spam folder into the post here. That is becasue a mentor had told me once that if a commentor has a viewpoint that he/she puts accross without using foul language, one must acknowledge it. I agree with the mentor.

      Now for the making-fun-of-people-with-MTI part... let me assure you, while the entire post reeked of sarcasm, and most of the commentors also added loads of laughs with their own experience, as people, we are not gun toting racists. I, for one, am a trainer by preofession, who train in three regional languages if my participants do not understand in English. The others too, I am sure have a large group of friends who are not all English medium educated. My friend, this post is aimed at humour, and I hope you can find it in your heart to be able to laugh at it. Cheers

  10. hah hah...rofl

    Pil pil, farm tomatoes..hah hah that too the cake!! Who else wants the cakes? hah hah