Goodbye Letter

Dear 2010,

Let me start by saying a heartfelt thank you.

Thank you for all the stuff you've taught me over the last 365 days. I know I haven't been a very good student; for I have repeated mistakes of the past. But you were a patient teacher - letting me learn the hard way! I knew from the start that we had only 365 days with each other, so I did plan well in advance what I wanted to do....

But we didn't always do stuff the way I planned it, did we? But it worked out well in the end. But then I suppose you always knew it would be so..... I know I should have done much more with your precious time ... but then, you agree the gossip sessions, the ten extra minutes of the early morning naps, the few minutes of 'vegging out' in front of the TV were all part of my growing up this year...

And thank you for all the new people you have introduced, re-introduced, or rediscovered for me this year. Many acquaintances who became friends, and friends who became sounding boards. All the moments in your short life where I made mind-blowing discoveries about people I love, and about myself.... and those wonderful moments when people I almost drifted away from were dragged right into my life - thank you!!

I promise, 2010, to remember you forever, and talk about you to my kids..... I also promise to try and respect your successor, so that I have lesser remorse than I have today, of having very little time with you...and follow your advise. I shall take a few more moments to watch my kids laugh, listen to the music which brings tears to my eyes more often, laugh more heartily when i get the chance, compliment more easily...... and many things I know I should have done with you too....

Take care, my friend. I hope you have a safe journey into the hearts of all the people who have lived their life with you last year.

A Decade of living.....

Had a rocking party the other day, danced like the possessed, and found myself thinking.... whats changed? Not much.... the spirit remains the same, the technique remains the same... So, have I changed? If I have, do I resent it? And then I think - what else has changed? Thought I would finally face the truth, and bravely list them out.... So here goes....

10. Wardrobe : From colors and cuts that can only be called outrageous by the conservative, and unconventional by the less rigid, to a self imposed exile to prim and proper outfits; wherein I attempt to cover as many physical flaws as I can!

9. Larder : From maggi noodles and cup-a-noodle, wafers and coke to baby food, multi grain bread and sprouts (that means all the former stuff are today eaten out of the perimeter of home kitchen)

8. Telephone calls : From maximum number of calls to the significant other in my life a decade ago, today the name comes a far second. The first place is shared between the day care center of the kids, daughter's tutor, the school van driver, the home delivery place, the laundry guy and the domestic help (yeah .. she has a mobile - and a swanky new model too)

7. Celebrations : From partying all night and waking up to a bright new afternoon, to falling asleep in the middle of a late night movie and waking up tripping all over the furniture to throw the alarm clock into oblivion....

6. Emotions : From blushing at the drop of a hat to open eyed horror at the bubbly new young things in the neighborhood.

5. Nomenclature : From 'babe' to 'didi' to 'ma'am ' to 'bhabhi' ..... to the word I hear a million times a day.. "Mommyeeeeeeee......"

4. Worries : From which classes to bunk, or which outfits to wear..... to which vaccinations are due for the kid, and what terrible things the teacher might have to tell me during PTA. Ofcourse, this is closely followed by the EMIs and the Tax saving schemes ......

3. Dream job : From the snazzy, high profile job that has 15 working hours, followed by late night parties and a suitably fancy sounding designation, to a place where I can rush out the door any time of the day screaming, "Mayday, mayday..... pea shoved up nose of 3 year old.... will catch you guys tomorrow, or maybe day after....." and everyone nods empathetically....

2. Hobbies : My first resume says 'badminton, basketball, reading, music' ....... today my resume DOES NOT have a hobbies heading. But if it were acceptable, i'd write "Playing peek-a-boo, cleaning little toys with toothbrush and dettol, research on the best diaper brands, and devising ingenious methods to feed fussy toddlers"

And finally the numero uno......

1. Happiness : From jumps of joy at recieving presents and going out partying, to uncontrollable joy at watching my kids smile in their sleep, or learning to swim, or wiggling their little bottoms to the latest chartbusters......

What can change in a decade? Apparenty, quite a bit! Do I resent any of it? Well guess what? Not one bit! I know I speak for mothers all over the world.... We'd do it all over again!!

My Creator and me

Dear God : How do I know you exist?

GOD : My child, you were surrounded by love from the moment that you were born. Who do you think put all the right people at the right times in your life....?

but God, what about the people who caused me pain and tears?

GOD : What about the lessons I tried to teach you through them? Would you have learnt from Amar Chitra Katha?

I understand God, but what about the times I have lost miserably, cried inconsolably and bled profusely in my life?

GOD : Dear child, how would you ever know the pleasure of winning, or the warmth of a hug or the comfort of sleep without these? And how do you think the sun comes out every morning, even if you thought the night would never end?

Hmmmm..... but God, why was I oh so lonely in some of the darkest moments of my life? Why were You not there with me?

GOD (smiling with the patience only He can have): Oh my dear child, how you have misunderstood My ways.... every dark moment in your life only brought you closer to Me. In the dark, you could not see, not understand your path. Yet you found the right path... do you really think you could have done that all ALONE?

I understand now, God. And sorry I forgot to thank You - for the sun coming out every single day, for the people who walk in and out of my life as if it were a rehearsed skit; for the relief that comes when I think of You watching over me.

Guilty as Charged!

There are times in my life when I just want to kick the daylights out of some acquaintances. And then there are times when I wish I could kick myself really hard! Today seems to be one of those days when I feel the latter.

Each one of us have emotions that bring out the worst in us. Anger for many, depression for some, even sarcasm or meanness for some! Guess what my achilles heel with respect to emotions is? Guilt! I can put my feet in my mouth and still leave enough room for another couple of feet when I feel guilty.

I stand charged of making a friend go through hell for me. And I have been blissfully unaware, a tad inconsiderate, wouldn't you think? Add insult to injury, and I discover this friend is actually apologetic that things did not turn out the way I wanted it to.

I had been careless, reckless and frankly, quite immature in managing things at my end. I call up this friend who does not know how to say 'No'... (ofcourse I choose my friends well !)... and tell her to wrap up for me. I knew I was asking for the moon, but I figured things would just fall into place!

Well, we all know what they say about assuming, right? Things went just the way they shouldn't have. And I was absolutely untouched by it all. Honestly, would have felt much better if I got a kick from everyone who went through the trouble to help me out with this one!

You know who you are - sorry friend, for putting you through this.... hope I get the chance to apologize in person!

Twisted Justice?

We all know about the "stick-your-tongue-out" routine kids pull off, right? It symbolizes rude defiance, a salvaged ego sometimes, or even a much enjoyed revenge. Innocent though it may seem, we all have our tongue-out moments ......

I was in the metro yesterday - yes, the very same mode of transportation that changed the way Delhizens travelled. I am not a regular, but I enjoy the adventure sometimes. I had heard of the controversial ladies compartment in the metro. Controversial because about 75% of my male friends and around 15% of my lady friends (and mind you most of them are non metro users - so this is all heresay in the court of law!!) are against this development. Well, I decided to check it out myself.

There are pink (one would think we outgrew pink in school....) markings on the platform indicating the ladies' coach would be stopping there. Unless travelling with a male species who looks adult, women line up near the pink marking when the metro approaches. There is a strange feeling of peace amongst the women when the metro arrives.... ofcourse the pushing and the scurrying for seats happen, but at a more confident pace. Women from all walks of life, all ages and all mindsets - modern new age as well as traditionally outfitted, demure women, find their space in the coach. It is amusing to see 4 machine gun toting law enforcers in the coach - two at the entrance and two inside it..... (am quite sure they are amused as well!!).

Noticed something ..... there was a sense of happy abandon here. No looking over the shoulder to see who had just leaned on you by mistake, no frantic adjustments of clothing to ensure no one is focusing the wrong anatomy, no looking away from sneering eyes that looked at you, discussions about home, kids, work, life in volumes that are normal, instead of whispering....

Are we really this happy to be left alone? Are we really so paranoid of the opposite sex? Do we need such dramatic interventions to give us this feeling of this care-a-damn happiness while travelling with strangers? Did I enjoy the ride ? Ofcourse I did!!! But the most important question of all - is it fair?

My take on this : Ofcourse not! You could see the glares and the disgust on their faces. The glares for the exclusivity we got, and the disgust for the weakness we showed in accepting the exclusivity. Not fair on the men at all!

But then again, whether it is exclusive coaches, or the harrowing travel for a woman on a crowded bus or train - whoever said life was fair? Its that tongue out moment guys..... grin and bear it!!

Blessing in Disguise

Okay! I admit it! I am a slave to the pleasures of having your own car. I have been denying it to the world, stating my minimalistic ideals in life. Always claimed that 'the car' was only a tool to help me survive the many roles I play....

Well, all that came crashing down when my car broke down, in a very martyrdom fashion, right outside my gate late one evening, just when all I could think of was a shower and sleep. Needless to say, my world got sucked into the black hole of "How do I"s..... And the fact that all the answers had to come from the already exhausted cells in my brain, did not reduce my misery.

Thus began my road to rediscovery! I had to plan the next day frantically, and had to leave earlier than usual, because I know I usually drive a little past the speed limits...... and today no such feat was going to happen!

In my part of the world, we have this unbelievable carrier called the cycle rikshaw (or 'rikshaaaaaa...' as Delhizens like to call it). Unbelievable because the driver is a fine line between heroic and suicidal - the way he pulls the rickshaw through the rogue traffic. Being in the passenger seat is no less thrilling than a barefoot walk on hot coals. I had to take one of these to reach a place where I would find a motorised version of the same - an auto rikshaw!

The cycle rikshaw guy was a weird fellow who sang loudly, and sang louder to get passers by to move out of his way. And I really didn't like the glances that came my way. But my 2 year old certainly was enjoying himself, bobbing up and down with every pothole on the road, and shaking his head to every change in the singer's pitch!

Finally, I told him to turn the volume down. The guy turns around to look at me, and stops singing. I am sure he was disappointed that I didn't appreciate his nasal rendition of the latest chart buster! He still looked sullen when i paid him and said thank you... But he did smile back at my son who gave him a winning smile and a bye-bye wave to match.

After dropping my son off, I had the next phase of my journey - the auto ride of about 40 minutes. I was dreading the ride - the heat, the dust, the pollution, and did I mention the heat...? I finally found one auto with a driver who looked less likely to fight out a bargain, and parked myself into the metallic sauna. It seemed to be music day because this guy blares his crackling radio to its capacity. Again, I told a sulky guy to tone down the volume.

After a few minutes, the wind blowing into the auto, and the traffic looking less dismal than usual, one could actually see green trees and some birds too. The buildings too, looked much better and I saw some details I had somehow, managed to miss on my daily commute to work. Kids in uniform, running to reach school..... Grandparents with kids holding on to their finger while walking.... Young go-getters rushing to reach there faster ..... Mothers waiting at the roadside with their kids for the school bus ...all kinds of pleasant distractions. Roadside vendors sprucing up their shops ..... there seemed to be some kind of cheerfulness I usually missed on my everyday hurried clutch-brake-gear-accelerator routine..... and I discovered I was now tapping my foot to the music and smiling - just like that!

After a little while, it felt like floating .... thinking about nothing in particular, and yet about so much happening all around me. It suddenly dawned on me, I was in the passenger seat - not driving, not able to really do much except be carried to a destination. Much like life itself, really. Would life be as simple if one realised that one can only do so much and that the rest has to be left to a higher power? Are the dilemmas and uncertainties of our lives that we find so disturbing, actually a blessing from the heavens? My car break down certainly was!

Induction to the Rest of Our lives

Many of us were with parents or local guardians. Many were proud to have landed there alone - albeit after many misadventures. One thing that was common among all of us was the anticipation, the fear, the exhilaration, the butterflies in tummies... the first day of college.

The sight which greeted us did nothing to clear away the tension - whether it was the potholes in front of the minuscule building, or the sinister looking guys who could have been either our seniors, or the local mafia! From the first day we walked into that building, till the last farewells, we were learning.

The learning curve was a straight line; and we were clumsily stepping over everyones' toes, including our own, trying to learn the ropes! Some of the "Firsts" we learnt in the little white building, the red-bricked, thatched roof restaurant and the 'natural' cafeteria of our college:

1. The first time we Laughed at the face of adversity - literally! We had 'sessions' with our seniors, were nervous to the pit of our stomachs, but ended up giggling like nervous Mr.Bean - causing only the 'sessions' to be more intensive. We then grew to laughing about the prospects of failing a year, getting beaten up by unfriendly local population, not getting a job..... and many more....

2. The first time we wore a 6 meter drape called sari, or tied the chef scarf. Also would like to add ... not just wearing them, but also washing them, ironing them and stealing whatever piece we had lost! We also learnt to flick knives, whisks, chef caps, aprons..... just so that we could attend a class we would otherwise get thrown out of. Heard of beg, borrow, steal? We added life to that !

3. The first time we slept with our eyes open - an art mastered after intensive training in the Samudra classrooms, especially after the challenging lunch! Other things included completing journals (I could write a whole essay on THAT one!), writing scandalous chits to one another, honing finer skills like dreaming, flirting, caricature and food-tasting!

4. The first time we ate fish, meat, rubber......oops beef, and everything resembling food that was on the plate without complaining.... ofcourse, we would go and kick the batchmate who made it later! Not to mention the first time we were coerced into eating dessert with a generous helping of table salt -we call it innovation. And how can we forget the frustration of having to eat meat with cutlery - while avoiding eye contact with seniors!

5.The first time we sat in/rode/owned a real bike! From identifying Yamahas, Hero Hondas, Yezdis, Suzuki samurai and bullets, we graduated to the art of identifying whose bike had just turned round the corner. Also the first time most of us have fallen off / flown of a moving bike! And we all had proud scars to show off!

6. The first time we tasted Ethyl alcohol ... in class. For the record, it was called cocktail session and the end of the class saw a lot of multiple personality disorders.... this progressed to many million gallons finding their way into our lives !

7. The first time we knew what 'fluttering heart' meant... ofcourse, hearts on sleeves, heart aches and heart breaks all followed in due course.....

8.The first time we understood what 'Politically correct' meant - by doing the politically wrong thing first. It is a wonder how we managed to have broken every rule in the book ..... and be pulled out of trouble by the most unexpected quarters! Also must mention here, the first time we felt the practical hues of the words 'playing politics' !

9. The first time we put our lives (or whatever we thought was worth our lives) in the hands of friends... creating bonds that were to last for a long time. The first time we fought someone else's battles, cried someone else's loss, covered someone else's mistake, paid someone else's bills...... we discovered friendship!

10. First time words meant more than words - Attitude problem, counselling, journals, Sitara, Gokulam, Oberoi Interviews, Fandango, Vellar gang, Chefcomp, ATKT - condoned...... and many more. The times we laughed till we cried or the times we discovered emotions ranging from envy, jealousy, inferiority, superiority, to infatuation.

We are one of the lucky ones .... One could fill pages with the memories from the little white building and the red bricked restaurant and the amazing natural cafeteria...... but words wouldn't do them justice, would they?