Published at 'Parentous' ..........

"I am ‘Mommyeeee’ to an intelligent, almost-rebellious 9 year old, and an innovatively naughty, hyperactive 4 year old. While I am mostly a ‘cool’ Mom, there are days when I throw all caution to the wind and resort to the earliest form of discipline known to mankind – also known as ‘Because-I-told-you-so’

More than once, I have caught the siblings enacting their favorite dictator; namely me. My daughter perches a pair of glasses precariously on her little nose and in a high octave that would put an opera singer to shame say, “Because I told you so, and I am your Mamma……” to her brother literally ROFLing in pure glee.

While happy that both my kids show such a bias towards fine arts, I would definitely not like to be the villain of their lives all the time! That’s when I decided enough is enough, and their father would not get away with being the good cop forever.

Evening saw me sending the kids into the living room, with a treat that was rare in our household – Maggi, Coke and Chota Bheem, with a smiling threat to “stay in front of your cartoons till you are called.”

As an incredulous husband watched on, as I proceeded to shut the door of the master bedroom..........".


Read more of my article "Dad Learns to Discipline" at Parentous.com where parents discuss all things about the most important job in the world..... Parenting!

The Bankster - A book review

Well, lets just say I have suddenly rediscovered my lost love, my first love - Books ! And that explains the burgeoning dose of book review in this blog. Am here with yet another review - The Bankster by Ravi Subramanian 

A few words for the first look..... The book is around 350 pages and has a nice, sleek look. The book feels good in your hands, with a little bit of texture on the cover. The fantastic thing blogadda seems to have done this time is to send out autographed books to the reviewers - great job guys, fantastic move. And thank you Ravi Subramanian, that was a thoughtful move.

Ok.... now, as in the usual turn of event in a review.....

• Plot : The author almost succeeds in doing a John Grisham in the book. I say almost, because there are some pages which kinda remind you that its not Grisham - not yet, but may soon be. Well, the plot has three parallels - a CIA operative shrouded in mystery; an elderly gentleman who runs a resort in Kerala with his stand on a nuclear reactor planned in the area; and an inside look at the corporate politics and unabashedly selfish characters in a  global bank.

The book moves from one setting to another, almost making you wonder if the book is in fact, three different stories. The first half of the book brings in all the facts, all the little pieces of the puzzle. Till the 160th page one really wonders who the protagonist in the book actually is. The banker turned journalist, who is the protagonist, is introduced in true movie fashion - in style - only in the 160th page. The plot, in short, is a little slow for a few pages, and then accelerates to breakneck speed.

•  Writing Style : Yes, there are moments of Grisham - like writing. Yet other moments, there is the whisper of a typical management graduate style of writing. I am not rubbishing the latter style at all - this combination seems to work well for the book, and may work very well for urban India. But there are a few disappointments which popped up:
• The women in the book seem a little hollow. Obsessed with looks and PR, they seem to be constantly playing politics. Women, as protrayed in the book seem to be highly insecue about their age, the way the dress, and seem to be ready to use their looks to achieve their ambitions. Just a question - don't men look at mirrors when they see one?.... a little too much stereotyping for my liking
• Some more stereotyping - Men, at least the successful ones are all seem to have a roving eye, seem to be noticing the number of buttons that are undone in a woman's shirt! The only one who is sincere ends up being unsuccessful, misunderstood, and eventually dead! 
• The unofficial banter between colleagues, the flirting between them all seem a little forced.... or unnatural. 

But this notwithstanding, a gripping narrative. I was terribly torn between catching up on some blogging, and the reading. Its a huge compliment to the book when I say that I read the book cover to cover before putting it down.

• Character Development : The author has skillfully described settings for each locale in detail. The landscapes in Angloa, the lush greenery in Devikkulam, the Mumbai suburbs, the streets in Vienna.... all of them are clearly etched in one's mind. Unfortunately, one can't say the same for the characters in the book. Except for one person (will not tell you who - don't want to spoil the climax for you) I don't have images framed in my head for the other characters - not even the protagonist!
• Words and Print Quality : As I opened the cover, husband dearest guffawed when he saw the bank related title. I am really bad when it comes to financial terms, but hats off to the author for making it easy for non-banking people like me. Easy, simple words. No typos, and good print quality.
• Final Verdict : Definitely one of the best thrillers from an Indian author. I certainly did not see the climax coming, and loved the way every piece fell into place at the end.  

This review is a part of the Blogadda Indian Bloggers Book Reviews Program at Blogadda. Participate now to get free books!

Why Every Woman Should Have a Sister.....

• Only a sister knows when you're fishing for a compliment, and when you are genuinely thinking "I look fat."
• Only a sister will listen to you complain about your hair when she is struggling to keep her eyes open in a different time zone
• Only a sister understands when you suddenly burst into tears in the middle of recounting a funny incident in the past
• Only a sister will understand when you flood her phone with photos of your latest cooking venture
• Only a sister can keep up the tempo of a conversation surrounding the mango tree in the backyard, or the little drying up pond you both haven't seen in ages
• Only a sister will call you back immediately after an hour long conversation to tell you that she "Just wanted to say a proper goodnight."
• Only a sister will listen to you explaining in depth, the symptoms of your ailment - physical, mental, emotional or imaginary.
• Only a sister will call up an aging parent to remind the parent that your birthday is tomorrow
• Only a sister will send bottles and bottles of vitamins because you complained of osteoporosis
• Only a sister will understand when you suddenly stop the conversation with "Shit! Gotto go...."
• Only a sister will, inspite of the distance separating the two of you, make you feel as though she's just next to you......

Happy Birthday my darling Sis ...... you were the first 'best' thing to happen to me!

 

Of Karva Chauth, the 'Chaste' wives and TV Soaps

Lets do a simple exercise. Go to the most knowledgeable, most sought after friend, guide and teacher  (Ofcourse I was referring to Google ) and ask for something called an 'ideal hindu husband'....

Any luck? No? Oh... so one of the oldest civilizations in the world has nothing to offer, no two bit to preach to an important player in a marriage?

Oh Ok! I get it. Marriage is not all that important in our civilization, right?

Now lets try 'ideal Hindu Wife'.... WHOA!!!! Google really does adore ideal wives. If you are as lucky as me, you'll find, atleast in 5 different sites, the following couplet:

"Karyeshu Dasi, Karaneshu Manthri;
Bhojeshu Mata, Shayaneshu Rambha;
Roopeshu lakshmi, Kshamayeshu Dharitri;
Satkarma Nari, Kuladharma Patni"

Let me translate it to you poor sanskrit-unaware chaps out there:
"A servant (literal meaning is actually 'slave') while working,
A clever minister while advising (the husband; only the husband, mind you)
A mother when feeding (that explains the eternal 'cook like my Mom syndrome')
A slut celestial nymph - Rambha in bed (of husband ofcourse gasp!!! what were you thinking?)
A looker like Goddess Lakshmi
As patient (forgiving) as mother Earth
A lady with all these virtues (?)
Is the perfect wife"

Go on. Read that again. I am sure there is quite a considerable percent of our population who are rueful why they weren't born in the century that actually practised this. And if this couplet leaves any room for doubt, you'll even find training manuals for good wives.

Now, before you spring the it-has-been-wrongly-translated thing on me, let me also tell you that we are master con men when it comes to twisting words the way we want to. Read it any way you wish - does any version make you feel better about the expectations from a 'kuladharma patni'?

But forget the Manusmriti (incidentally, point number 18, 19 and 20 were runners up; but the winner hands down is point number 25 - superb, I tell you!!) even Balaji Telefilms believes this is exactly how the good wife should behave. Just ask the Viranis, the Raizadas, the Singhanias, the Aggarwals etc. how they like their 'bahus' - decked up, eyes downcast and calling their husbands 'Mannu key Papa'

The reason for this sudden outburst? Why, our good old Karva Chauth!!

It all began when my daughter saw me all decked up in Karva Chauth finery (worthy of a Balaji Film set), pooja thali in hand. I had just finished throwing the flowers and rice at the moon, and done the ritual as Mom-in-law had taught me years ago. During the first Karva Chauth, Mom-in-law and me had both vehemently agreed  to one thing - the saris and the jewelry and the sweets were fine, but no fasting-shasting for us hot blooded food lovers......

Daughter dearest looked up expectantly at me, finally telling me "Go on. Do it already!!"

I looked at her quizzically and asked, "Do what, princess?"

Princess : "Go touch Papa's feet. That's what they do in the movies right? So do it!"

Me : Gasp!!!!!

Husband : ROFL......(literally!)

Truth be told, if I had to fast to keep hubby alive, I would have run away from the wedding. On a more serious note, a corollary to this is, is there anything that the husband is supposed to do to ensure the wife has a long life?

No, I'm not talking about a crazy eyed ShahRukh Khan doing a DDLJ for karva chauth (though I was pleasantly surprised to see this breed of young men too). I'm talking about a true dictum (like the ones for women : the vat savitri, the teej, the karvan chauths, the varalaxmi vratams....)

Anyway, back to the most important question : Why aren't there any directives for men on the bencmarks for an ideal Husband? Or is there no such thing as an ideal husband?

I tried all the search options I could think of, from 'Ideal Husband' to 'Role of Husbands in Manusmriti' .... but couldn't come up with anything remotely similar for husbands. Why?

Any thoughts?

Things You Didn't Know You'd Say in a Marriage

Well, there are a hundred in this list, but I thought I mustn't be the one credited with the extinction of an age-old institution, so I put forth here only a 10 pointer.

•  Statement 10 : "I wonder where he gets his stupidity from. Not my side of genes, I assure you." - A statement most commonly used when an offspring gets bad grades in school, beats up other kids, makes embarrassing statements in public, or all of the above. Of course, this statement is only relevant to partners who have children and does not count for the ones who are still in the process of being conned by various relatives into being parents.
• Statement 9 : "You are 3.2 centimeters closer to the switch, so why don't you get it?" - This is the climax of a very mature conversation involving very high analysis and decision making skills. The said conversation begins when any one of the spouses tells the other one to switch on/off an electrical appliance such as a light, fan, AC, TV etc. Can also be used when it involves things like shutting the door, answering the telephone etc. A direct co-relation has been established between the frequency of usage of this sentence, and the number of years of marriage.
• Statement 8 : "Of course I liked the gift." A simple guide to understanding what it most probably means:
• 'I hate that color. Will get it exchanged once he forgets about it.'
• 'I will never use that. Wonder where she gets these weird ideas from. Maybe there's a refund policy.'
• 'When will they stop showing brainless ads of these on TV.... as if real men used them!'
• 'Hmmmm...... maybe, if I turned this inside out, I could learn to like the color.'
• 'Red? Again? The guy needs to go through a crash course in colors.'
• 'Wonder if that stupid secretary bought this one too.'
• Statement 7 : "In a meeting, honey." Yup! A guide to what it means - again:
• The obvious; you know - the thing almost all Ekta Kapoor Serials are made of.
• 'I did not check if the movie tickets are available - lemme get out of this one alive!'
• The final over in an India -Pakistan match. Wait - I'd rather not even pick up the phone
• The jerk! He forgot our anniversary - let him grovel!
• Maybe - just maybe, in a meeting
• Statement 6 : 'I woke up the last time......' usually accompanied by a whine, found among specimens that have mutated into something called 'parents'. Most commonly used when they have to deal with national emergencies like soiled diapers, refilling of the feeding bottle, or just plain play-with-baby-at-midnight regime.
• Statement 5: 'Whoa! You're gonna eat that?' Extremely suicidal tendencies may cause a spouse (usually the male) to use this statement to the other, who in turn, may turn homicidal.
• Statement 4 : "Who ate that last gulab jamun?" (or pizza, or chocolate bar. Never, never an apple, a salad or a bowl of sprouts) - Self explanatory.
• Statement 3 : "Lets get this straight - you asked me to marry you." Sometimes this statement may resemble a broken record - interspersed with bouts of crying. Other versions may include 'I should have listened to my mother / friends / neighbour / pet dog....." (no, fathers don't make it to that list, and mothers top that list)
• Statement 2 : "But you used to like it ....." could be used in varying intensity depending on usage - from a personal quirk (like a snorting laugh, or an a nasal twang a la Reshammiya, etc.)to food, item of clothing, or bedroom moves.
• Statement Numero Uno : 'You've changed.' This little bomb demands special attention from the listener. Things you should not do if you want to live to see your next birthday:
• Statement 7 
• Statement 5 (Ensures torture before death)
• Statement 3 (Ditto)
• 'So have you!' (Most commonly used, and proof that idiots still exist. Will secure the talker a position on the couch.)

Any additions?

The twleve-year snapshots

 "Happy Anniversary," G called out shyly from the bathroom. (Yes, we still call ours a bathroom, in spite of repeated reminders from the kiddo who goes to class 4 that its a 'washroom'). I sometimes wonder how G could be shy one minute and cocky the other - one of the attributes that I married him for, I suddenly realize.

"You remember?".  I am genuinely shocked at being taken by surprise yet again, by the guy I thought I knew like the back of my hand.

"Um-hmm..... Ofcourse I remember. Just because a few times I forgot random dates doesn't mean I'll do it always." That was the cocky G.

Its a working day today, and we were getting ready for a normal day ahead.

We suddenly discovered that we had nothing to say - none of the romantic banter that one associates with Wedding Anniversaries - especially since the kids had been packed off to school. We had our morning tea together. Just the two of us, the sound of the morning birds chirping and the occasional 'slurp' of the tea.

After tea, a quick squeeze of my hand, and a quick "See you in the evening" was enough to bring a smile to my lips and tune in my head for the rest of the day. While driving to work, my mind takes a historical tour of the 12 years that I've been the 'missus'  G.

I remembered the hushed conversation over the STD phone call (for the gen next kids, an STD is something that we needed on landlines to be able to call long distance. No, mobiles were not attached to our ears back then) G and I had, way past midnight a few days before our wedding. It had to be past midnight, because that was the only time we had privacy (since land line phones were almost always in the living room). And the conversation went thus:

G : "I've got all the travel arrangements done. After the wedding here in Delhi, we need to spend two days here, and then we all travel back to Kerala for the reception there." (this complex situation arose because I belong to a clan of uber conservative folks in Kerala, and he, from Delhi)

Me : "Ok. I hope it doesn't cost a bomb...... Aunty and Uncle (now Mom and Papa) are ok with the long travel, I hope."

G : "Don't worry. They can't wait to see your place. And I've booked the best tickets. (I could almost see his chest puffing up in pride). And its okay if we spend a little on this travel - and I booked the three tickets much in advance..... don't worry"

Me (suddenly fully awake) : "Err..... How many tickets did you say?"

G : "Three - one for Papa, one for Mom, and one for me."

Me : "Ummmm............. ok. And I presume you will be sitting next to my photograph in the reception. Or were you thinking of polygamy?"

G: "Oh shit! Gotto go. Will call you tomorrow. Bye."

Me : ROFL

After we were married, we had various official formalities to get done - especially since both of us worked with the same organization. All our trips to our common office spots - the head office, the unit in which we worked, the office parties, - we were an awkward couple.

We couldn't hold hands without looking sheepish. When we crossed paths in the office, we would do our best to look all professional, and would have succeeded too, had it not been for snickering friends in the background. We still ensured we had our lunches together, much later than the lunch rush hour. Thus ensured we got a few precious moments of 'couple' time.

I love to dance, and he would accompany me just for company. Given a choice, he would rather sit nursing a drink, chatting with a select few friends. In parties of common friends, when we were shoved into the dance floor, G never knew what to do with his hands during the slow dances. He managed the superb feat of keeping me away from anyone who came slightly close, without making any obvious moves.

G was not a big fan of my working odd hours. We were both hoteliers, and he knew the physical and mental exertion it took to be one. I loved my job, and so did he. While there were mumbling protests from him when we started leaving sticky notes on the fridge to communicate with each other, he never took it beyond the ultra-sound mumbles. So when I started feeling the pinch of exertion during advanced pregnancy, we had a hilarious conversation

Me : "Why don't you ask me how I feel these days?"

G : "How are you feeling?"

Me : "I feel like murdering someone. Who does X think he is ? Typical MCP. He's your friend no? And what does he know about par stocks? And I can do a better job than him while I am in the labor room. All men are the same - condescending MCPs. Try being pregnant - and you'll know. Sometimes I want to throw this whole damn job and sit at home."

G : "Er...... Ummmm.............."

Me : "Seriously, sometimes I think its not worth it. There! I am not ashamed to admit it! I am tired. I want a break."

G : "Er...... Ummmm.........Err........"

Me : "When are you going to graduate from Errr..... Ummmm? I knew it! You don't care about what I'm going through. Earlier you used to ask me how I felt..... now you just don't care! You were the one who wanted a baby - you should be the one suffering morning sickness and bloated ankles...." (With as dignified a walk-out as a football with legs could muster)

G : (five minutes later, with a cup of tea) "Chai piyogi?" (Will you have tea?) "I think you should take a break. You are working too hard. And you can always think of teaching maybe, if you are bored later."

Me : "There you go again! How typical. Teaching! What the hell do you think I will do in a roomful of kids? You think that's a safe job don't you? Gimme that tea."

G : "Or you could have the baby in the hotel laundry room. We can call the house doctor when you have your contractions. I don't think it should be a problem"

Me : "@#$%!!!"

G: "You know you are tired, and you know you want to take a break. Why is this so difficult? We are going to have a baby, and we are all stressed about it. (I gave him a dirty look here) .....You more than me, but the truth is that you do need to take things easy now. Look - lets do something. You take a break, do what you've always wanted to do, read a few books, heck - even write something if you feel like it. And whenever you think you are ready to get back, we'll do the hunting together."

With a hint of a smile when he knew he'd almost won the argument

G: "And with your credentials, you'll not be hunting, you'll be hunted!"

Me : "Oh shut up!" (but mighty pleased with the turn of events, and with the superb ginger tea he's made for me)

A major phase in my life had ended with that day. I never went back to hotel operations, but this decision opened up another phase in my life. And the whole credit goes to a man with huge watery eyes, a purposeful stride (even if he's just walking away a cramp) and a cocky sense of humour who walked into my life and turned it upside down.

With the birth of junior G, I had discovered emotions in my husband of three years, that I had never seen before. He sat up the whole night in the hospital, barely blinking, barely breathing, holding little G. No amount of coaxing would make him put her in her crib till he finally believed that she was real, that she was his, and that he would be spending the rest of his life worrying about her.

We have had terrible fights too. From earth jarring door slamming to ear shattering silence, we've done it all. From cynical remarks about each others quirks, to silent jealous pangs, we've had our worst moments too.

But when I take a moment out of the mundane, to think of the man I am married to, all I can remember are the one liners that made me laugh myself to tears or the silent gestures that give me the strength to take on anything in the world.

 

Happy twelfth anniversary, G.

P.S. A request from a blogger friend was for the complete foto :-)

:-)

 

Oh! The Woes of Civilization

Hey! All you strange people out there!

Yes, yes ...... you guys! The ones who call yourselves 'liberal' and 'educated'. I have had enough of this nonsense of you guys going on and on about women's rights! What exactly are you propagating?

Are you telling me that we aren't modern enough for you firangis ? You and your chowmein and your mobile phone wielding women! Tch! Tch!

When a very learned friend said that chowmein caused all the rapes, you guys scoffed at him! This is nothing to scoff about - its pure science! Don't you realize that all those 'spagetti tops' these women wear reminds our poor boys of the chowmein and they want to just tear off those tops and eat them? And you call yourself educated!

And what is this hue and cry about about mobiles for women? Have you actually seen girls talking on mobile phones? They look so happy! Now you tell me  - don't we all know that womenfolk aren't supposed to be happy! It is in our culture that women should not be happy....

Have you ever seen a happy Sita Maiyya? Can you imagine her laugh with gay abandon into her mobile phone complaining that Lord Ram was taking too long to rescue her?  Do you think Ravana would have left her in peace if she kept laughing and joking into her mobile phone? And then you blame our poor boys!

Or imagine if Radhaji had a mobile phone, and kept disturbing Bhagwan Krishna while he was killing all those Rakshasas!! They were the true women - beautiful, sad and pining! No happiness for the real women. No sir! They are the real Indian women. And you should be thanking us for all that we are doing to take this country to Ram Rajya.

Let me ask you something - why do you think there is so much poverty in this land?

Hmmmph!! It has nothing to do with corruption - it is pure statistics, I tell you! We are poor because of this damn thing called equality!

Earlier, we only had to cook enough food for the men. After the men ate, the women (and the girls too) would just scrape off whatever was left and feed themselves - like real women should! And now we have to buy groceries for the women in the house too - it is truly Kalyug!

In the good old days, the boys would go to study or go outside to play, and the girls would be cooking and washing for them at home. If they did not wash or cook well, we could beat them up. And then see how the productivity of the whole country would have gone up!!

 But NO....... you and your fancy foreign concepts of resepect and equality for these women *gasp!*  only brought the whole country to the dogs. And now we are talking about stopping moksha for these cursed souls by not killing them in their wombs! How much more are you going to waste the nation's money on women? Where has all you patriotism gone now?

All you people want is to malign the poor Godfearing menfolk of this land.
Don't we fast for Durga Ma for 9 days?
Don't we sing 'Jai Ambe Gauri......' very loudly during the pujas?
Don't we wash young girls feet during the kanya puja?
What more do you expect out of us? Treat our daughters like we treat our sons (shudder!!!!)........ And let them be happy?

You must all be out of your minds!