Why the Success of Queen is so heartwarming.....

The world and their aunts are raving about Queen. I had tried to keep away from as much of the review as I could - for the simple reason that I didn't want to create hyped up expectations. But it was difficult to do, with everyone talking, writing and debating about the movie, and Kangana's depiction of a first-of-a-kind coming of age film of a woman.

Ofcourse the film delivered - passed through flying colors on every expectation. Let me attempt a list without giving away too much of the story...

• Bang on depiction of the much talked about middle class, protective, loving, yet patriarchal family (asking the fiance whether she could work, the little brother tagging along everywhere she goes etc)
• Kangana's face acting as a wonderful canvas of emotions - shock, frustration, fear, awe, resignation, anger, realization, and ofcourse, disillusionment, enlightenment and sheer joy.
• The dream supporting cast - beautiful and bold women, sensitive and easy-on-the-eyes men. (yes indeed, there are guys that can make you swoon just by blinking their eyes)
• Oodles and oodles of inner strength and courage - not to mention humor

But this post is not a review, it is an awed realization that we have, unanimously, as a nation, welcomed the movie with open arms. A movie which has shown 'culture' and patriarchy on a lighter vein. We have not taken to the streets protesting that the movie has 'corrupted' the minds of our 'behen-beti'; or that there are semi-nude sex workers sharing screen space with the protagonist. We have laughed at the chest-beating auntyjis and the overbearing mummyjis and the confused desi-turned-pseudo-videsi groom.

 

In the theater, it was a welcome sight to see women and men of all ages living through the ordeals and little triumphs of a lovable young woman, who is an unwilling, unaware champion of equality. Yes, she strikes a chord with many of us, but whats more is that, she made us think.

 

This is a post written with a smile that comes from realizing that all may not be lost, yet. For surely, a society that can look at the portrayal of a woman breaking free of years of patriarchal conditioning, can, someday, accept that this will happen in real life too. Right?

Why Feminism is everyone's job

Spicy Saturday pick for 8th March

 Debates and outrages have been expressed for and against the 'feminism' wave that has been doing the rounds. And yet, if you go around asking people the meaning of feminism, you get answers that make you cringe.

Some definitions by 'educated' men and women:

• "Feminism is where women want to be men" - accompanied by a smirk
• "When women do not want to do any housework, or take any responsibility, its called feminism"
• "When they want to party all night like the boys" - this came from a so-called liberal lady in an urban household
• "Feminism is anything that tells the women that our culture is bad."

The dictionary says that Feminism is a collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, and social rights for women - not more, not less.

A corollary here - is feminism only a woman's prerogative? Is patriarchy only a woman's problem? I am guessing most of us, even the feminists among us, think it is. Unknowingly, we slight this very important revolution by assuming it is a woman's issue. Truth is, our patriarchal views don't seem to be subsiding in any way because we seem to think that this societal movement is only relevant to about 50% of the world's population (even lower if you take only India into consideration).

Because if words like 'equality' and 'equal opportunity' and 'freedom' are meant to be war cries of only half the people (who are unaware, sometimes unwilling at that) crusading for this, it will never work.

Thousands of debates - big and small, friendly and ugly, thought evoking and absolute bullsh*t - come to my mind right now. All discussions speak of how men 'ought to' be some way or do something because they are 'considerate' to the womenfolk.

We all know what patriarchy has done to the women of our land:

• the girl child is considered 'paraya dhan' and is raised thus
• dowry and marriage is the prime worry the moment a girl is born
• lets not even talk about dowry deaths, maternity deaths and child marriages
• unequal distribution o wealth and opportunities
• denied education or higher education
• pressures to 'adjust' to marriage and married life
• decisions on what to wear, where to live, who to live with are all taken by others

..... and the list goes on. I am not including here the macro issues like the rape psychology or domestic violence, which have their roots in patriarchy.

But does it affect the men? Let me rephrase that - does it really do no harm to the 'privileged' menfolk in our society? A few questions that perhaps the men may be able to answer

• If the men were not raised with the pressure of being the 'provider' would they have pursued their passions more often?
• If boys were not told that tears or emotions or vulnerability are a sign of being a 'wimp' or a 'sissy' would they have made better friends, spouses and parents; not to mention better citizens?
• In the urban world today, wouldn't it be easier for men to find partners who they can connect with if there were no patriarchal rules to follow - for them and the women around them?
• If traditional roles did not dictate who pursues ballet and who plays rugby, wouldn't many men benefit too?
• Wouldn't there be fathers who want to spend more time with their children while their equal partners pitch in to be the bread-winner?
• Wouldn't men themselves want to live in a society with added economic productivity and reduced violence? 

What we fail to realize as a society is that patriarchy did have a role to play in civilizations that were still evolving; perhaps in the nascent stages of these civilizations, physical strength was the only measure to decide who was superior; just like skin color was deemed to be the deciding factor in some societies. And didn't human race, as a unit, rebel against slavery, apartheid and caste systems? Why then, is the cause of feminism any different?

Today, defining roles, or confining certain roles or following different rules, based on people's genitals is just as silly as deciding to get treatment from a doctor depending on their hair color!!

And that, is the true meaning of feminism.

*let me tell you where this rant begins from - it has to do with the exasperating questions that 'educated' people have been asking me about refusing to differentiate between my son and my daughter. For them -

NO, I will not tell my daughter that dolls are more becoming of her than her brother's cricket bat.

NO, I will not expect my son to 'protect' his sister - because if the need arises, she will have access to her own brains, and be able to kick a** just as he would.

NO, I will not expect my daughter to rush in with a duster to wipe off spilt water - unless my son learns to do it too.

NO, I will not tell the kids that the Armed forces is a good career option for my son, and Teaching is the best option for my daughter.

No More Kanya ‘Daan’

I was in a wedding, the kiddos in tow. My kids love the extravagant Delhi weddings. Of course, the fact that they get to guzzle all the soft drinks they want, and binge on the array of desserts does have something to do with it, but I suspect it has to do with the music and the dancing too.

Weddings are also a place where relatives by the dozen, meet, exclaim on how much the kids have grown, and give them a tight hug, or a pull of the baby cheeks. This is also a time when my ‘ideal bahu’ (daughter-in-law) avatar makes a guest appearance, as I touch their feet in respect.

As the kids grew up, they picked up the habit from us, the parents. It began with the grandparents, and then to all and sundry who seemed to be people we did the exercise (pun intended!) with. While the grandparents are a very enlightened lot, there are relatives who are yet to accept concepts like gender equality.

Thus, in this particular wedding, I greeted an elderly aunt with much respect. My son, being the energetic five-year old that he is, immediately took on the game of ‘feet-touching’ too. Needless to say, the elderly aunt was ecstatic to receive this token of respect from him. Not to be left behind, my daughter, all of nine, decided to garner some brownie points too.

But the moment she bent down to touch her feet, the aunt gasped and said, “Oh, but girls in our family don’t touch feet.” A perplexed nine-year old was not able to understand why she was not given the same blessings.

A little later, a conversation between the still-confused none year old and the relative in question (yes, I have a persistent daughter ):

Little G : Badi Dadi (Elder Grandmother) why didn’t you let me touch your feet?

Elderly Aunt : Because I love you very very much.

Little G : But you let my brother do it....dosn’t you love my brother ?

EA : Oh, but in our homes, daughters are like Devi (Goddesses)…. So you are like a ‘Devi’ for me.

Little G (still thinking hard): So that means no girls should touch feet right? What about Mamma? She is also a girl. Why can she touch your feet?

EA : Well, you will not touch our feet – not your parents or us. Your brother can, but you can't. You see beta, you will touch the feet of elders in your home. (Noticing the perplexed expression on her face, Dadi clarifies)…. When you get married.

This is where I had to interfere and take her aside to prevent any further conversation on the same topic. But some damage had already been done – I discovered that Little G was not very happy with the way things were. She looked at me through spoonfuls of the ice cream, and said, “But this is my home!”

I assured her this most certainly was her home, and she could do all the stuff her brother would – including touching feet if she so felt like it! She hugged me and rushed off to play, the worry out of her mind, the ambiguity no longer visible to her.

While I discussed this with my Mother in Law, she was sympathetic with my concerns, but she said that ‘this is how the world is’. When I question further, on why the world is such, she patiently explained to me that every societal norm that was ever made, revolved around the fact that girls would be married off one day, and would cease to be part of their birth family.

Hmmmmm………. So, they were pampered to bits in their families, only to be treated like second grade citizens in their ‘married to’ family! Wow – that certainly made sense!

But this set me thinking – why do we have rules that create differences in two children?

- Dowry for one, property for the other

- Family name for one, soft corner for another

- Education for one, ‘Training’ for another

- “Budhape ka sahara” for one, “Paraya Dhan” for another

So, are we saying that we have differential rules to facilitate the roles of our sons and our future daughters in law - so that they are 'conditioned' to be care-takers as son and daughter-in-law?

Who gave us the right to decide our childrens' role in our lives? We stay with our sons and pine for our daughters, while cursing our daughters in law. We stay with our in-laws, while wishing for the company of our parents and envying our brothers.

At the end of this angry rant, an ancillary to all these ‘rules’ – do we have kids so that our ‘Budhapa’ is taken care of? Well, I know that for many of us, it’s a vehement ‘NO’. So then, why can’t we do away with differentiating ‘rules’ for the little ones?

I leave you with a beautiful piece from the Lebanese poet Gibran

“Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams”

Thoughts Please .......

This was originally posted in "Parentous"

Of smart phones and stupid people

Some days just compel you to sit back and wonder if we are indeed, evolving backwards. For me, meeting up with young minds has always been an enlightening experience. Today was no exception. A little history first:

We (the organization I work for) hire from B schools, from professional colleges and from any educational institute that may have students that fit the roles. We have also been in the past, a platform for many enterprising young minds to showcase their skill through internship programmes, some of who subsequently make their first career move into this company.

This involves meeting up with and interviewing hundreds of students of varying levels of commitment, intelligence and skills, from various institutes. Some are impressive, some are not. Some are difficult, some are hilarious. But as a rule, my colleagues and I make sure that the student goes back with at least an experience worthy of the time spent with us on an interview - call it the work ethic of the HR team here.

Anyway, the reason I am frustratedly punching keys right now on my laptop, is the result of a few such interviews today. While in the interview, I was fighting to keep a straight face to avoid seeming rude to the young ladies and gentlemen who came to meet us. But once out of the interview room, I couldn't help feeling a little sad and disillusioned with the quality of education that these young minds were exposed to.

The candidates were well turned out, in branded shirts and ties, and accessories that are in tune with the latest fashion in corporate dressing. They had resumes which had words like 'metaphoric embed' and many other such impressive words. All of them were on their Internet phones, updating statuses and other relevant details important for the socially active young crowd out there, before they stepped into the interview room.

But what I will remember about them, will be they way they fumbled when they spoke about their passion. I will remember that apart from the questions that they imagined the interviewer would ask, they had not imbibed knowledge about their career choice, their hobbies, or their own family!!

They had perhaps, imagined an interview to be a place where their 'smartness' quotient would be addressed. Perhaps they felt that technical knowledge was limited to only 'experienced' people and not really for campus recruits. Or is it a general trend of callousness that prevails over the whole age group?

They had superficial know-how of questions taught to them in their 'mock interviews' conducted by the college. But quiz them on their own endeavours, and it seems as though we are conversing in a Latin American tongue!!

Some answers :

"I am a very good basketball player,"
 ........ later....... "Position? Errr...... I play everything....... there are no positions in basketball!!"

"My passion is people. I love talking to people, getting to know them."
.......later...... "Actually Ma'am, my brother is something with the Police in Canada. I don't exactly know his designation"

The resume says "Detailed reading on the life of Shakuntala"
...... later....... "Errr...... she was the daughter of a pujari.... donno the name of the pujari, but her ring was swallowed by a fish."

"Yeah I guess that's what it means......"

"I wanna be you know, like an executive or something ......."

Many more such instances, where one didn't know whether it was the parents to be blamed, for not creating an environment of excellence, or at least imparting a passion for anything in life, or the faculty of these swanky money minting buildings who probably just want them to clear interviews, or the education system in general.

Any thoughts? Or am I over reacting?

Of Karva Chauth, the 'Chaste' wives and TV Soaps

Lets do a simple exercise. Go to the most knowledgeable, most sought after friend, guide and teacher  (Ofcourse I was referring to Google ) and ask for something called an 'ideal hindu husband'....

Any luck? No? Oh... so one of the oldest civilizations in the world has nothing to offer, no two bit to preach to an important player in a marriage?

Oh Ok! I get it. Marriage is not all that important in our civilization, right?

Now lets try 'ideal Hindu Wife'.... WHOA!!!! Google really does adore ideal wives. If you are as lucky as me, you'll find, atleast in 5 different sites, the following couplet:

"Karyeshu Dasi, Karaneshu Manthri;
Bhojeshu Mata, Shayaneshu Rambha;
Roopeshu lakshmi, Kshamayeshu Dharitri;
Satkarma Nari, Kuladharma Patni"

Let me translate it to you poor sanskrit-unaware chaps out there:
"A servant (literal meaning is actually 'slave') while working,
A clever minister while advising (the husband; only the husband, mind you)
A mother when feeding (that explains the eternal 'cook like my Mom syndrome')
A slut celestial nymph - Rambha in bed (of husband ofcourse gasp!!! what were you thinking?)
A looker like Goddess Lakshmi
As patient (forgiving) as mother Earth
A lady with all these virtues (?)
Is the perfect wife"

Go on. Read that again. I am sure there is quite a considerable percent of our population who are rueful why they weren't born in the century that actually practised this. And if this couplet leaves any room for doubt, you'll even find training manuals for good wives.

Now, before you spring the it-has-been-wrongly-translated thing on me, let me also tell you that we are master con men when it comes to twisting words the way we want to. Read it any way you wish - does any version make you feel better about the expectations from a 'kuladharma patni'?

But forget the Manusmriti (incidentally, point number 18, 19 and 20 were runners up; but the winner hands down is point number 25 - superb, I tell you!!) even Balaji Telefilms believes this is exactly how the good wife should behave. Just ask the Viranis, the Raizadas, the Singhanias, the Aggarwals etc. how they like their 'bahus' - decked up, eyes downcast and calling their husbands 'Mannu key Papa'

The reason for this sudden outburst? Why, our good old Karva Chauth!!

It all began when my daughter saw me all decked up in Karva Chauth finery (worthy of a Balaji Film set), pooja thali in hand. I had just finished throwing the flowers and rice at the moon, and done the ritual as Mom-in-law had taught me years ago. During the first Karva Chauth, Mom-in-law and me had both vehemently agreed  to one thing - the saris and the jewelry and the sweets were fine, but no fasting-shasting for us hot blooded food lovers......

Daughter dearest looked up expectantly at me, finally telling me "Go on. Do it already!!"

I looked at her quizzically and asked, "Do what, princess?"

Princess : "Go touch Papa's feet. That's what they do in the movies right? So do it!"

Me : Gasp!!!!!

Husband : ROFL......(literally!)

Truth be told, if I had to fast to keep hubby alive, I would have run away from the wedding. On a more serious note, a corollary to this is, is there anything that the husband is supposed to do to ensure the wife has a long life?

No, I'm not talking about a crazy eyed ShahRukh Khan doing a DDLJ for karva chauth (though I was pleasantly surprised to see this breed of young men too). I'm talking about a true dictum (like the ones for women : the vat savitri, the teej, the karvan chauths, the varalaxmi vratams....)

Anyway, back to the most important question : Why aren't there any directives for men on the bencmarks for an ideal Husband? Or is there no such thing as an ideal husband?

I tried all the search options I could think of, from 'Ideal Husband' to 'Role of Husbands in Manusmriti' .... but couldn't come up with anything remotely similar for husbands. Why?

Any thoughts?

Oh! The Woes of Civilization

Hey! All you strange people out there!

Yes, yes ...... you guys! The ones who call yourselves 'liberal' and 'educated'. I have had enough of this nonsense of you guys going on and on about women's rights! What exactly are you propagating?

Are you telling me that we aren't modern enough for you firangis ? You and your chowmein and your mobile phone wielding women! Tch! Tch!

When a very learned friend said that chowmein caused all the rapes, you guys scoffed at him! This is nothing to scoff about - its pure science! Don't you realize that all those 'spagetti tops' these women wear reminds our poor boys of the chowmein and they want to just tear off those tops and eat them? And you call yourself educated!

And what is this hue and cry about about mobiles for women? Have you actually seen girls talking on mobile phones? They look so happy! Now you tell me  - don't we all know that womenfolk aren't supposed to be happy! It is in our culture that women should not be happy....

Have you ever seen a happy Sita Maiyya? Can you imagine her laugh with gay abandon into her mobile phone complaining that Lord Ram was taking too long to rescue her?  Do you think Ravana would have left her in peace if she kept laughing and joking into her mobile phone? And then you blame our poor boys!

Or imagine if Radhaji had a mobile phone, and kept disturbing Bhagwan Krishna while he was killing all those Rakshasas!! They were the true women - beautiful, sad and pining! No happiness for the real women. No sir! They are the real Indian women. And you should be thanking us for all that we are doing to take this country to Ram Rajya.

Let me ask you something - why do you think there is so much poverty in this land?

Hmmmph!! It has nothing to do with corruption - it is pure statistics, I tell you! We are poor because of this damn thing called equality!

Earlier, we only had to cook enough food for the men. After the men ate, the women (and the girls too) would just scrape off whatever was left and feed themselves - like real women should! And now we have to buy groceries for the women in the house too - it is truly Kalyug!

In the good old days, the boys would go to study or go outside to play, and the girls would be cooking and washing for them at home. If they did not wash or cook well, we could beat them up. And then see how the productivity of the whole country would have gone up!!

 But NO....... you and your fancy foreign concepts of resepect and equality for these women *gasp!*  only brought the whole country to the dogs. And now we are talking about stopping moksha for these cursed souls by not killing them in their wombs! How much more are you going to waste the nation's money on women? Where has all you patriotism gone now?

All you people want is to malign the poor Godfearing menfolk of this land.
Don't we fast for Durga Ma for 9 days?
Don't we sing 'Jai Ambe Gauri......' very loudly during the pujas?
Don't we wash young girls feet during the kanya puja?
What more do you expect out of us? Treat our daughters like we treat our sons (shudder!!!!)........ And let them be happy?

You must all be out of your minds!

All is Fair ..... and Lovely!

Apparently, these days, interviews are all about slathering copious amounts of 'Fair and lovely'...errr .... 'Fair and handsome'....err..... 'Dumb and confused' on one's face, accompanied by an exaggerated Tom Selleck cocky eyebrow. It really doesn't matter what crap you say in the interview, as long as you look like a 'fair' model. Thats what this ad would like us to believe anyway. So make way, IITs and IIMs - qualification was just an excuse. What we really want to see is if you turned up the 'fair-o-meter'.

"Just rub 1 ml of cream into eyes of the people you want to impress, and voila!" Pic. courtesy Google

Similarly, if you are a badminton player or a tennis player, you apparently will not win a game, if you aren't (wait for it.......) 'fair' !! Wonder if other racket sports have the same problem? Maybe then the Willaims sisters bribed their way into lead positions!

And how can you forget that unforgettable appendage called gasp! the underarms? Heavens will thunder and the earth crack open if you have dark underarms. Gone are the days when everyone from the carefree Auntyji to the ooh so sexy Bengali didi used to don sleeveless without a care in the world! Today we have to get those 'fairness deos' before we attempt the impossible - wave a hearty goodbye in a sleeveless top!

The height of sophistication seems to be having 'fair' 'intimate parts' too. Losing the lustre in a relationship? No problem. Nah! What you need is not a marriage counsellor, but get your intimate parts shining fair and lovely! (See? We are a progressive nation. Whoever said we were not modern?). Don't believe me? Watch this !!

We are now so bombarded with the fairness virus, that we do not bat an eyelid if a pehelwan uses a whitening cream, or if we have men rushing for shelter to protect their delicate skin from the sun's darkening rays. A new dimension to gender equality, folks! Just when we thought the 'fairer sex' was just a metaphor, we now have competition here too!

By the way, if you are a talented singer, or dancer, all is lost of you are not granted that magic cream which gives you the 'raison d'etre' ..... Fairness!  After all, can you see even one matrimonial ad that says 'dusky, awesome girl'? Chances are, you will not. And ofcourse, we all know that the final destination is righ there in these ads...... so why not start young, huh?

What tickles my funny bone is that when an appropriately called "FakingNews" newsletter declares that a new Fairness Cream for Newborns has been discovered, they received a rush of comments asking for further details. (dont forget to scroll down to read the comments for a huge dose of laughter)

Can you imagine the pain, the frustration of a parent with a beautiful but dusky complexioned baby? The poor kid will not be able to win a match, or display a talent, or hell, even get an 'affsar - wala' job, for heavens' sake! And lets not even get to the part where the poor family looks for a 'fair' spouse for the kid!!

The post itself is howlarious, with a reporter called 'Pagal Patrakaar' doing a superb job of calling a spade a tractor; but what really takes the cake is the comments section - do go through the pitiful frantic pleas of worried mothers (and fathers) waiting to lay their hands on this cream for newborns ....................

There are yet others who have given appropriate (if not deserving) replies to these parents. Some replies I wanted to stand up and give a standing ovation. :-)

Certainly makes one stop and think - is beauty really skin deep? I am afraid not.