Farm Tomatoes!

Some sentences stay in your memory. No, I am not talking about the highly inspirational guru-speak that people say when they are reeling under the effect of a certain potent liquid. I am talking about the stuff that lurks somewhere in the back of your head, swimming to the surface of your memory only to make you cringe. Still don't get it? Look at some statements my poor brain has been subjected to:

"You can sit in the backside." - yeah sure, the place you want a foot planted?

"I saw a LOIN in the zoo." - while your eyes are very nearly popping out, someone is vigorously nodding head and showing you how big the 'Loin' - err... the lion was.

"Doctor said me to have 'eye-run' for the blood." - just while wondering how an eye running away can cure anemia, I am given graphic detail about the effect iron syrups have on the said person's bowel movement.

"She has beautiful long hairs." While contemplating mass murder in the school which taught this lover boy his English, you also want to box his ears while asking "And would that be nose hairs?"

And how can I forget all the times I have writhed in agony at all the 'bis-kutts' that seem to be making the rounds in Delhi. For the uninformed, please watch Band Baja whatever.

And its for a reason that "The" is the most common word in the English language - we have exclusive rights to torture, maim and murder conversation using an overdose of 'the'. Don't believe me? Walk the many pubs, restaurants or (yuck!) 'hep' hangouts (a.k.a PVR cinemas, malls etc) in most parts of Saddi Dilli, and you can hear animated conversations among the young guns that go thus *shudder* :

Him : Do you the luvzzz me?
Her : Hehehehe Yes, I the loooovezzz you..... Now the moviezzz will start in the 5 minutes
Him : Okay... you want the popcorns?
Her : No, I am on the diets, but I have the burgers.......

See what I mean? Honest to God, I would be more than happy to retire poor abused 'the' into deep exile till we learn how to use it! Not all that difficult to make complete sense with a few words sans 'THE' !! In fact, just realized I wrote a whole paragraph without it!

Some real winners:

Very sweet hostess: "Did you sleep well? Was the bad comfortable?"
Me : You mean the BED don't you?
VSH : "Yes, yes, the Baaaaaaaaaaad" (Loud and clear! Over!)
VSH : "I put a new shit on it just for you"
Me : OK I hope you  mean sheet here.....

Excited mom in joo .. i mean zoo : "See! The beer is running." Err ... and is closely followed by the scotch and vodka too! Who knows who might win, indeed!

Aunty helping out with veggies shopping : "Buy only the nice bright farm tomatoes."
Me : Wow! how do you know they are from a farm?
Aunty : "Press hard, see? Not pil-pil. Then you feel it is really faarrrrrrrm."
Me : Please ignore me as I bang my head to the wall .......

Liked this post? Go right here to see a hilarious take on marriage too!

Tongue tied

This entry is a part of the contest at BlogAdda.com in association with imlee.com

We are a pretty confused family right now. Well, not that we weren't earlier, but now all the wierd questions from her vacation homework (what an oxymoron there!) has been contributing to the chaos.

Pray let me clarify. My daughter who likes to think she is eight already (but will turn eight only after a few months. Funny how we like to turn up the clock in the early years, only to want to smash up the clock in the later years) has come up with a fifteen page holiday homework for parents ooops! the kids, to do.

Of the many head-scratching questions, the one that took the whole answer seeking adventure to another level was this seemingly harmless question: "What is your mother tongue?"

You would think the answer to be a fairly simple one, wouldn't you? Well, surprise, surprise! We went all the way to hell and back making sense of this to a seven-year-old-wanting-to-be-eight girl. "It is Malayalam." I said wistfully.

"Waitaminute!" that was my Delhi-bred husband from under the shower. Another mystery in life is how people (primarily spouses) cannot hear stuff you shout into their ear, but they can catch a slight whisper, from behind closed doors, UNDER the shower, of the stuff you DON'T want them to hear! "How can her mother tongue be Malayalam? Its Hindi."

"Oh yeah? Over my dead body! Malayalam it is, and Malayalam it will be." That was me, with the intention of using my Dramatics training to win the decade-old fight over supremacy in the National-integration-household.

"Really? You promise?" Great! Mr.Smartypants was in the mood for humour.

"I am the mother and my language will be her mother tongue." Profound truth.

"Even if they have no clue if you are praising them or using beep words in that language?" Hubby dearest apparently had been preparing for this face off for a long time. Well, that is true. The kids knew around five words in their mother tongue (I insist on calling it that) - ALL of which are not really nice.

"Come to think of it, do you really think YOU speak Malayalam well yourself?" That set me thinking, my brain sub-conciously DID think in English and then translate it to Malayalam when I spoke my mother tongue. But then I came up wih a list of stuff that does justice ONLY in malayalam.

• When you say stuff like "Poda" or "Podi" which literally translates into "Go Boy" or "Go Girl" respectively, but means much, much more than that for the true mallu.
• Some words like "Adipoli" literally translated has no meaning, but is used to denote a term related to 'fantastic' - only better, with explosive effect on one's state of mind
• Which word in any language can you use with equal aplomb to mean complete agreement or sarcasm in style? Guess what! We have our own "Thanney" !
• If you haven't heard of "Aiyooo" you really must be from another planet. It is the language equivalent of M-seal! Use it to bind expression to any emotion from horror to humour, from sympathy to absolute glee. Don't even try to look for an English version.
• Some threats that work only when said in Malayalam. (I swear I have friends who love experimenting with the language on unsuspecting non-malayalees out there. For their safety, I shall refrain from explaining those in here.)
• Memories of my little niece from Canada saying "Ammaaaaa, ivide chavit." (Mom, stamp here) in a Canadian accent, to kill an ant.  Not 'chavittoo' but 'chavit' as in 'take it'
• All hell breaking loose when I spoke with a Kannur accent (poyitt, vannit, ennit... etc) in Trivandrum, the land of 'vellangal', 'enthirappi' and the sorts.
• Memories of my sister and I having animated teenage conversations with a melange of Malayalam, English and Hindi ... 'Chethified' 'Chammalsify' 'Adichu Polikalsify' .... and the likes.

I could go on and on, but to cut a long story short, I am so glad I have a part of my brain that processes words close to my heart in a language which may not be the one which I think in, but definitely the one which triggers endorphins. I guess that makes it truly mother tongue. As for my kids, I am sure as time goes by, there will be memories that trigger off a language they identify with.

Real Mothers

Many authors of best selling "How-to" books would have us believe, raising children is a science one can practice and perfect. I would beg to differ here - its no bloody science! It is a treacherous mountain road, without street lights, and failed brakes! The whole world seems to know better than you about raising kids! Just look at the advises you get!

"Don't let them out of your sight - bad times these days...."
"Give them a bath and warm milk at night.... that'll make them sleepy ......"
"If the AC is on, make'em wear full sleeves"
"Oats is good" "No, daliya is better"
"Raisins are good." "But don't overdo it"
"Don't force feed them" (yeah sure!)
"Let them sleep on their own - don't rock them"
"Honey!" "Ghee!" "Fruits" .... HELP !!! ..... ANYONE !!!

Err.... sorry. Guess I got carried away. Anyways, while I do like cracking jokes on this, I am sincerely thankful from the bottom of my heart for all the timely interventions from various quarters that prevented me from accidentally murdering my kids!

Coming to a more disturbing scenario: Kids are growing up, developing a mind of their own, and are now working up their own perceptions of facts. Proof? Well, let me share with you some statements such as these:

......"Momeeeee, why do you not look like the mom on TV? She seems to have so much fun."

......"Mom, you wearing THAT? Really?"

....."Mom, can we just hang around Dad all day?"

Even better ......"Aren't you going to work today?"

......."It doesn't look as good as it does on the box. Did you cook it right?"

There goes my Best mom award down the drain! Well, let me end on a note I read a long time back. Am sure all moms agree:

Real Mothers don't eat quiche;
They don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils
Are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors,
Filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried play dough
Doesn't come out of carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what
The vacuum just sucked up...


Real Mothers sometimes ask "Why me?"
And get their answer when a little
Voice says, "Because I love you best."


Real Mothers know that a child's growth
Is not measured by height or years or grade...
It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother.....

The World at my feet!

The "Pilot" strapped the weird looking backpack on me. He then put the helmet on my head, tightening a cord here and a belt there. Less than a few minutes back, I was damn sure I was going to do this. Now, looking at this thin, panting young fellow standing in front of me grinning like a jackass, I wasn't so sure!

"Why you grinning like a dumbo?" was what I WANTED to ask. But what came out was "You sure I am going to get back in one piece....... BHAIYYA?" (The 'bhaiyya' in good measure for the required emotional blackmail, so that the guy is extra careful with the equipment my life depends on!)

Guess the emotional stuff worked (oh we are good at that aren't we - the timely stated bhaiyyas, uncles,aunties, bhabhis, chechis, chettans, annans etc.) - because he stopped grinning at me, and he explained that he'd been the 'pilot' now for many years. "Bet you were flying when you were in diapers" I muttered to myself while hoping he didn't hear.

Then came the instructions. "Whatever you do, don't sit. Run fast, and don't let the wind make you sit. When you get pulled back, you pull the opposite direction.  And DON'T FALL." (You moron! You really think that last part required to be stated?) Just before he started running behind me, he remembered one more little thing -"Oh Madam, when we are about to land, keep your legs up, otherwise you can even fracture them!" (Wow! Informative guy! NOW he remembers to tell me!)

And we ran... Rather, he ran, and I bumbled along, remembering not to fall. Till the last few feet before the end of the hill. "This is bloody suicide," was the last thought that crossed my numbed mind before my buckling knees floated and my feet left the reassurance of the ground. The very next moment, I was lifted off the ground, the wiry young mountain lad laughing at my war cry (Actually, more like high-pitched-hysterical-woman-shriek). I had done it!

Well, I mean the wind had done it - successfully picked me - a more than healthy person, and made me fly a few hundred feet above the tiny little people standing below. That moment, I was all respect for my 'Pilot'. I was flying, the bright red, black and white parachute with the number "6" boldly written on it. I was whooping in joy, understanding why man's fascination with flying would never end. The shining snow on the mountains, the glistening river below, and all of nature's beauty was visible as far as my eyes could see..... 

A few minutes of tasting heaven, and it was time to land. I did remember to lift my legs, so no fracture.

After dusting the visible effects of my flight from my clothes, I went straight to my list of "To-do-before-I-Die" list, and crossed out that amazing wonderful word : PARAGLIDING......

Bungee Jumping ...... here I come!!

I Have Learnt.........

Ever have one of those times when some thing you read seemed to hit you with such force that the impression remains?? I read something beautiful written by Andy Roony which engraved itself on to my brain. And I thought I would share it with you too...

Please feel free to add on your experiences to the list :-)

"I HAVE LEARNT ........

•  That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
• That when you're in love, it shows.
• That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day
• That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world
• That being kind is more important than being right
• That you should never say no to a gift from a child
• That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
• That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
• That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
• That simple walks with my father on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
• That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
• That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
• That money doesn't buy class.
• That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
• That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
• That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
• That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
• That love, not time, heals all wounds.
• That the easiest way for me to grow is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
• That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
• That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
• That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
• That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the ones you miss.
• That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
• That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
• That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
• That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
• That everyone wants to reach the top, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing.
• That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Book in your Face?

I had been hit by the writers' block recently. (the only time I can call myself a writer is when this ailment strikes..) The mundane, gut wrenchingly boring, salary-paying part of my life took possession of all my creative juices, which resulted in complete hibernation of the blog.

Till the instant that a friend of a friend commented on a comment that a friend had made about a friend of a friend....  Gosh ! now even I don't know what I wanted to say..(see what I mean about the creativity being compromised here)

It all began with a very detailed account of how people get stared at for being different; in this particular case, a Foreigner, a 'white' gentleman in the land of coconuts. And other kinds of nuts too, if you were to believe Swami Vivekanada....

Well, anyway, this article very vividly created images of dropping jaws and bulging eyes when a light skinned person walks about a city used to seeing such visions only in 'touristy' destinations. That caused a very imaginative woman (yes, you heard that right - a woman again!) to bring out the fine distinction between the forgivable, astonished, prolonged gaze called stare, and the less adulated, blatant focus on areas, that warrant a resounding impact of palm and cheek.

But that is another story. What brings me back to the keyboard from my writers block is something else - what exactly is the definition of a friend? Has the definition changed, from the hugely popular sitcom-inspired meaning of the word, to a totally different level, with the arrival of the virtual equivalent of the college cafeteria?

Isn't Facebook much like the college cafeteria? Gossip, comments and counter comments, note-passing (oh yeah! that happens too), mild-to-serious flirting, checking out the latest trends..... We did it in the cafeteria, and we have now discovered we can be seventeen-till-i-die atleast on Facebook!

Coming back to friends - a dapper young nephew (who refuses to have me as a 'friend' in FB) has over 500 friends on FB, some of whose second names he doesn't know! An animated conversation over his favourite beverage (not tea, I can assure you!!) allowed his older relations (me included) decipher how he knew so many people in this planet (now, this is where I cross my fingers and pray that FB has not extended its reach into outer space). The beverage induced courage that this bright-as-a-penny new adult exhibited gave me insights into how FB has changed the way our brain functions.

Action on FB : "You have new friend requests"
Reaction : Whoa! I must be adonis' first cousin...... (accompanied by a chest swell and irritating smirk difficult to wipe off)

Action on FB : "You have been tagged on photo"
Reaction : I am a rockstar! My photo propagated my me is ok.... but someone ELSE doin' it is AWESOME..... (accompanied by the above said chest swell, followed by accumulation of hot gas in head)

Action on FB : "No new notifications"
Reaction: OMG ! This is awful! No one seems to know I exist... I MUST write something controversial today, and make SURE people reply! Hey! or better still.... let me just change my profile pic into the one where i am in my swim suit!!! THAT will teach them to ignore me!

Action : "ABC is now friends with XYZ"
Reaction : Cute girl! ABC seems to be getting more than his share of attention. Let me just visit his page and check out if any of his 'friends' want to be my 'friends' - that way I can maintain my lead in number of friends!

Reaction of reaction (this one, I couldn't let go) : Hey! THIS guy has more girl 'friends' than me .... let me just add HIM as a friend - then i can get to see who HIS friends are - and maybe I'll get lucky!

Action : Many comments on photos / updates of other 'friends'
Reaction : How the hell do they get so many people to reply to their posts? I mean just check out how silly the posts are! Some of them don't even use cool words like OMG, LOL, ROFL, WTF (i meant 'why-the-face' what did you think it was?) ... and still they seem to get comments!! I know - let me just copy some dude's nasty one liner which sounds like a foreign language on to my update!!

Small wonder then, when we sit back the end of day, and think how many people we would like to laugh with, or more importantly, cry with........Our looooooong list dwindles down to one or two - if we are lucky, that is!! A beautiful word with so much depth in its meaning gets reduced to a mockery of one of the most profound, most logical and most comfortable of all relations! Shouldn't we continue to, as the saying goes, choose them wisely? 

Troubleshooting

What do we usually do when we want to run away and shove our heads into a hole in the ground, much like an ostrich? We find ourselves a sanctum sanctorum we call our conscience, the place where we can be honest with ourselves, introspect the details of our lives, or dissect the micro-expressions of our reactions (got that word from a highly impressive serial called "Lie to me" - more on that later).....

......OR we dig into that sinful bowl of gooey chocolate ice cream with whipped cream!!

Well, that works well too, if you are a kill-me-by-putting-me-on-a-diet person. But there are other options too....

- Talk to girlfriends : This is strictly for the womenfolk, for where men are concerned, this option becomes highly dangerous, leading to misunderstandings, fights, break ups or sex - all of which have consequences (!!??). But for women, girlfriends are exactly that - girly women friends, who can talk till eternity and help you feel as though you are just one of a kind; so grin and bear it, baby. A true girlfriend will listen, shake her head in empathy, tell you how SHE has the SAME problem, and bind you in sisterhood. You may not have a solution to the problem at hand - but who cares? You come out feeling like a brand new penny.

- Take a walk : I mean, literally. Take a walk, at the same speed you would, if you had to beat up that slimy @#!%X#$%! responsible for your agony (note here: if you don't have anyone but yourself to blame, this methodology will give you serious, and I mean SERIOUS depression - so stay clear, and hit the Ice cream bucket immediately). After a few minutes (or seconds, depending on your definition of exercise and physical fitness) you will be so out of breath, you will feel good just thinking about the number of calories you burnt in that rage-walk......

- Talk yo your dog : No - a cat will not do. It HAS to be a dog. A cat will give you the same look your the shrink gave you when you told him you were having serious ice cream binges. A dog, on the other hand, will give you some tail wagging welcome, and lick your hands like you were made of liquorice.... and you feel wanted all at once! Also, the dog will give you a serious ear when you discuss the problem with the new b****h in the neighbourhood (so what if he doesn't know we are talking about a real person, and not his love interest)....

- Watch a video : Let me clarify - watch a movie that will make you sob like a toddler in playschool... and then take a good look at yourself in the mirror. One of two things guaranteed - you will either faint in fear at the image in the mirror, or you will ROFL looking at your image - again, depending on your misconceptions about yourself. This, is a twisted way, takes your attention off the problem.

- Eat like a pig : Scientists say when in a nervous situation, people ate much faster than otherwise. That proves the connection between the brain and the tongue... so go fill up the fridge with the stuff heaven is made of. For all you know, once you are done with all the eating you just might get the entry to heaven much faster than you imagined.....

- Find someone to blame : Let me be more specific.... find someone to blame AND spend a good amount of your waking time for the next couple of days bitching about that person. Of course, here you would need the dog or the friend mentioned earlier.

LAST, but with unexplainable side effects

- Down a couple : A couple of smalls, or larges, or patialas - or what the heck a few bottles if you please.... results varying from stupidity to amnesia have all been witnessed. The after-effects, (lovingly called hangovers by the ones who have attained black belt in this feat) however, depend entirely on your destiny.

Now.... please go ahead and choose your poison.