Of Broken Hearts and Bonds

A young friend got his heart broken recently. Crushed to smithereens when a long time relationship did not work out. Of course, as friends, we all worry for him, and we all hope he comes out of this unscathed. This is not the only time I have seen a close friend go through a phase in life when all that matters is what they lost.

This young man is almost family for me and he is about a decade ahead of my son. My son and daughter hopefully have a long time before they ever go through something like this, but I can't help penning down my thoughts for them - whenever they are old enough to understand this! So here goes - for you, 'N' - and for my little Gs.

Dear little Gs (I know you aren't little any more),

Firstly, I know you keep thinking I am ancient and all that. Well, unfortunately, that's true - you and I, we are separated by a couple of decades. But maybe, just maybe, I may remember all that it felt to be your age.

You, my dear, are precious to me; and to many people who know you intimately. For us, you have a million wonderful qualities and a few flaws which somehow, make you more endearing to all of us.

Just thinking of you brings a smile to my face, and I find myself thanking providence for having conspired to bring you into my life. (ok..... I may have said otherwise at times, but you both KNOW how exasperating you two can get) Believe me when I say that I am proud of what you have turned out to be, of what you have achieved and of what you will achieve in your life.

What you feel today, is not something that I could take away, even if I tried. You might feel dejected, unsure and disinterested. You might also doubt the very existence of that elusive find called love. You may have a few bouts of I-just-want-to-sleep-out-this-nightmare phases, or a few days when you just don't want to see anyone smiling in this world.

But what if I told you that even if I could, I would not want to protect you from this hurt? What if I told you that this, my dear, is part of who will become in the future? Don't get me wrong - it pains me no end to think that you may be shedding angry tears, or may be working too much to fend off the pain.

But let me tell you what my heartbreak had taught me. It taught me that no incident is stronger than my own will to rise above it - as you too, will soon discover for yourself.

It taught me that trying to find my happiness in someone else is possible only if I am happy with myself.

It taught me that the strongest bonds in this world are the ones that you don't have to labor at. The bonds that seem to last a lifetime are not the ones that try to shape you into someone else - these are the relationships that accept you the way you are, but help you evolve into a secure, confident and truthful young man or woman.

But more than anything, it taught me that in the darkest, deepest hour, I have relationships that don't attach conditions to its existence - unconditional bonds that help me steer into actions or decisions that made me a better person.

Lastly, do not be scared to put your heart out there again, and yet again, my dears. For love, no matter how elusive, does find the heart that thrives on it. Oh, and while you are at it, do remember to laugh along through any opportunity that you may find - you wrinkle much slower that way :-) .

Exams for Mommy - Condition Serious Hai!

Exams - the stuff that nightmares are made of, nights that you resented Dad yanking the cable connection off, or the cold winter mornings when Mom just pulled the snug blanket off to get you up before sunrise to do that dreaded thing called 'revision'.

Suddenly, the "seriousness" quotient of the whole world would climb up a few notches. Parents, grandparents, neighbors, the electricity board  (remember how the power cuts would happen right when you were ready to start peeling open the books?) and even the neighborhood stray dogs, would wear a glum, serious air about themselves.



Once past the mandated post graduation, I thought I had left behind those dreaded days. Well, think again. Exams have come back with a vengeance, and how!

No, I have NOT lost my mind, nor decided to shock my unassuming spouse and do my PHD. I am merely taking you through yet another agonizing phase of parenthood - one that no one warned me about! I am talking of karma coming to bite you in the derriere...... the kiddos' exams!

Even worse are the situations where you end up meeting other parents who are battling the same woes as you are. Some familiar situations during the exam season, where you wish people would take a heavy dose of anti-seriousness medications :

Scenario 1 :
Occasion : PTM meet (for those who still haven't been hit by the asteroid called parenthood, PTM means Parent - Teacher Meeting)
Teacher with a no-nonsense look and a dreadful looking pile of answer sheets in front of her. You know that one of those red-tinged white sheets is filled with your child's endearing but utterly stupid answers. Sweaty palms and silly smile, you approach her, looking and feeling every bit the guilty parent you are. After all, your child did score a few marks less than she did last year! You make an immediate pact with yourself to start spending more time on the child's studies from now on; if only the teacher let you off the hook this time. Instantly, you are transported two decades back in time, where you sat cringing in front of your teacher.

The cringing gives way to stammered responses when the teacher gives one disapproving glance at you. "Errr.... Ma'am, no I haven't actually made a time table for the kiddo at home, but I do ensure that he eats, sleeps, plays and studies regularly..... No Ma'am, I meant "play"... as in when the kid runs around with other kids and laughs hysterically when he falls and scrapes his knee? Not heard of it?"
 

Scenario 2 :
Occasion : Some much needed retail therapy
You are shopping with a vengeance, trying to get some of the exam depression out of your veins, when you spot a fellow parent, wrought with the same nightmares as you. The only difference - her child is the class topper. Needless to say,  you try to blend in with the surroundings, using the tiny mannequin to hide your enviable frame. But with the kind of luck you've been having these days, the super-mom decides to check out that very mannequin, bumping into you.

Ofcourse, the only think she wants to talk about is the exam syllabus and the woes of losing that one mark.You haven't heard half of what she is rambling about, and suddenly panic sets in as you remember your kid is in the same class! Panic converts into full fledged hyperventilation when you discover that said parent knows the exact page number of every question that has been asked since Man discovered fire!

Makes one wonder, doesn't it? We have managed to take the joy of learning and discovery, and convert it into a competitive sport that everyone dreads. Not just education, we do it with everything that crosses our path. Don't believe me? Lets see.....

Kiddo loves dancing?  Well, just enroll him into a dancing school, put him through  grueling schedules just so he can go participate in a competition. Kid good in sports? Well, lets just step in and take away the joy of playing and get her to worry about competing.

See the pattern here? This is the scary pattern of the very contagious disease called #ConditionSeriousHai
which can only be cured by regular doses of laughter, friends and tasty treats.

This is a post that has been written for the contest by indiblogger and Cadbury 5 star for the #ConditionSeriousHai contest.

Child's Play? Not so easy......

“Child’s play” – the  dictionary says that the idiom means ‘a task which is easily accomplished’. Really? Well, let’s take a look at a child’s life shall we?

'You thought it's easy?'

• 6.00 am (or earlier, if it is close to exam time!!):  Wake-up call by a hassled mom or a screeching alarm clock (sometimes both)  
• 6.15 am (while snoozing with the toothbrush / in the toilet / with the milk glass) Get screamed at by Mom / Dad / Grandparents / every other member of the house - for being late
• 7.00 am: Pick up a 10 kg bag, and sprint into the school bus, jostle with other kids and find a seat. Then travel through a pollution laden city to reach school 
• 8.00 am to 2.00 pm: Cram the little head with logarithms, chemical formulae and history dates. If really lucky, add a dash of peer pressure and sibling rivalry. Then back home through maddening city traffic and obnoxious levels of carbon monoxide in the air. 
• 3.00 pm to 6.00 pm: Continue with the cramming, but with the tuition teacher, the dance teacher and the Kung-Fu instructor. (Oh! I forgot – if the parents are ambitious, add a few more classes like horse-riding, ballet, advanced trigonometry and not to forget the most important – entrance coaching!!) 
• 6.00 pm:  Math homework, Science projects, and English assignments. Not to mention the discussion with Mom and Dad why Rahul scored more than Divya, or why Sakshi could get that sum right and David couldn’t. 
• 10.00 pm:  Dinner, and set the 10 kg backpack for tomorrow’s battle.  (Sometimes, crash out on the couch before dinner out of sheer exhaustion.)

 

 

Sigh!!!! Now exactly which part of this punishing ritual seems easy? 

Needless to say, once a human being becomes a parent, their entire world starts to revolve around the little divine beings called children. Rightly so too, because children are, after all, the future of the world.As parents, things that did not seem to matter a few years ago suddenly seem to be the most important things : whether almonds help in memory, or whether the cartoon show has too much violence in it when the cat gets hit by the mouse, or the most common – whether the child is healthy.

Health of their children is on every parent’s worry list, and so it is in mine. From the moment I knew there was a little heart beating inside of my body, I had started worrying about my baby.  And once she was born, every little yawn, every little sneeze and every tearful cry brought out the worst thoughts in my head.

Gradually, I learnt, along with the equally astonished father, that immunity was the key to ensuring the little one lived a normal, healthy life. The first lesson we learnt was that health was NOT equal to just proportional height and weight.

Surprised? Well, yes, growth of the body was a definite indication, but that was not all. What also contributed, was the healthy growth of the body and mind.

The second lesson was that you can’t control everything in the life of the little one – such as allergies, or little bumps on the head from the trying-to-crawl days. So yes, there were external factors and internal factors that affected the immunity of my precious one. I could, for example, ensure that my little one wore her snug winter clothes, but she would still sneeze when we stepped out into the cold. The only solution to combat the external factors was to ensure that her little body was strong and her little mind was agile – by working on her integral immunity by ensuring a few basics

1. Natural Nutrition : This is first in my list, because it is something that is strongly influenced by the parents. Conscientious parents work towards a balanced diet, ensuring all the necessary minerals and vitamins are available to the growing body. Natural foods, with minimal processing, is the best source. This, along with any supplements (such as this) for rare vitamins and minerals forms the best shield against ailments. We Indians, have a rich heritage of Ayurveda to aid in this front. 
2. Activity : Play in an open green area is not only a healthy choice for exercising the muscles. It also helps increase metabolism, oxygen intake, and a holistic development of a child – the laughter that fills your life with joy is bonus. We had ensured that the children had access to gardens, swings and trees – TV, computer games and I pads were only when it was raining outside. And guess what – they never complained!

   

   The best form of Vitamin D - and laughter!!

3. Education : Let me reiterate – not literacy, but education. This meant we had to educate them of each and every practice that made them a better human being, and created a happier environment around them. Ofcourse, this was easier said than done. We had to change so many of our own habits to ensure that the children had the right example.

4.      4. Conviction and hope : This is perhaps, the toughest ingredient. In a time when the whole world is trying to outdo each other, staying true to oneself is something that determines one’s mental health. Similarly, optimism and hope adds to their well-being. 

The underlying prerequisite is that growing children need to be immune to the stress, the various illnesses and the exhaustion that they are constantly handling. Only once this is ensured, can proper development of their mental and their social skills occur. This in turn, ensures a stronger, healthier nation.

This post is an entry for the "Immune India" contest by Indiblogger and Dabur India.

When a Parent is Born.......

When a baby is born, the parents are also born with her. Not only the mother, but also the father evolves infinitely more as a human being (even though most depictions of parenting would have us believe that only the mother is overwhelmed by the baby, I can vouch for all the men I know personally, that they cried a wee bit too). 

The first time we set eyes on little G's face, her eyes screwed shut, we knew we were captured – lock stock and barrel. Little G now held firmly in her little fists, both our hearts tightly clasped – for life. It is natural then, that we would do everything in our capacity to ensure that she was growing well. 

This entailed various forms of research – reading all the books on parenting we could lay our hands on, talking to all the ‘been there done that’ parents (including our own) while risking the smirk on their faces when they narrated what was in store; going berserk with Google searches  - Everything!

The first few days, we were even scared of burping baby G, for fear of hurting her while doing so. But gradually, we learnt how much little G loved to be touched - she slept contentedly in our arms, wailing as soon as she was laid down in her crib. 

I finally overcame the paranoia of inadvertently hurting her, and started giving her massages. (A little prelude here: I come from the land of massages – Kerala, where we use massages to solve everything from aching muscles to treating depressions. Hence, while I was briefly influenced by advocates of ‘no-massage-for-babies’, my entire family of extended relatives would have disowned me if I followed that route. Their argument? Well, they say there are years of scientific Ayurvedic research - such as this research - in support of the practice.)

During earlier days, the mothers and the grandmothers concocted massage oils with the purest of ingredients; but today that option seems to be drying out with nuclear families. Fortunately, there are companies that spend years researching and developing the same today, making things slightly easier for us city dwellers.

This was when I discovered the joy of touch. Science has proven that the loving touch of the caregiver is one of the most important contributors, next only to breast milk, perhaps, for the natural growth of a baby in the first few months. As a first-hand recipient of the rewards, I have now become a strong advocate of baby massages – when done correctly.

What were the rewards, you ask? Well, let me begin with the glowing skin of little G. When babies are born, they have skin that is so tender; it is scary to even touch them. Gradually the skin toughens up, but gets drier and needs moisturizing. Options range from various kinds of oils, to lotions and creams that are formulated specially for baby skin. 

But the best option is a pre bath massage - it has much more than healthy skin to contribute. A few months later, the massage had helped increase little G’s appetite. She seemed to be calmer after her afternoon massages and slept well. The massage was also our precious time with each other – a time when I would sing to her, and she would gaze into my eyes while making baby sounds. When she learnt how to smile, she would give me dazzling smiles every time I would talk to her during the massages. 

The style and frequency of little G’s massage changed a little when she started trying to crawl. My mother would now use slightly more pressure with a slight twisting motion, on her pudgy little legs and arms, since her muscles needed more nourishment now that she was ready to crawl. And sure enough, she was crawling almost as fast as I could run!The crawling soon progressed to running without any brakes, which was another reward of her massages (while her proud grandmother gave me a proud "I-told-you-so" look).

Along with these massages, another lesson I learnt in parenting is that natural foods are a far better option than any of the packaged ‘convenience’ foods that is aplenty in the market today. My little one was served pureed bananas, pureed apples and mashed potatoes as her first experience of food. She relished them, and much to my relief, her tiny stomach could easily digest the natural fibers in the foods. I thus learnt that while packaged baby foods are sometimes unavoidable (such as when traveling), clean, natural foods are the best.

Our ancestors knew the bounty of nature, and lived in harmony with it. Science and technology, while making life easier for all of us, have in some way, taken us away from all that was life-giving. Remember all the home remedies that our grannies subjected us to? Many of them were deeply studied and hence, scientific in nature (this, ofcourse is not true of blind superstitions – hence Authenticity must be the key here).

While my children were growing up, I had the good fortune of having my elder relatives a phone call away. Thus, much of their knowledge got transferred into my life as a new, nervous mother. Some things I had scoffed at earlier showed me instant results, forcing me to look at traditional knowledge with renewed respect. Some of them, I list here -

• My mother would insist that a simple cough could be treated with of juice of fresh ginger and tulsi leaf, mixed with honey – safe and effective. No side effects, no worry of any chemical. This, according to me is what Ayurveda was all about - natural, no side effects, and effective. 
•  There were some simple kitchen herbs that were an absolute essential in foods for little G – ajwain (carom seeds) in her paranthas and heeng (asafetida) in her dal – these helped in digestion 
• As little G grew into a naughty preschooler, her mother (yup... that's me !) was subjected to long lectures (this time, by the doting grandfather) on the importance of traditionally used natural foods for mental and physical growth. Thus, little G snacked on almonds and raisins instead of chips and biscuits. No doubt, this food group contributed greatly to her ability to discover innovative ways of getting in and out of mischief :-)

Today, with our second baby, we are more confident as parents; but my husband and I are still learning, wide-eyed, the wonders that nature and traditional wisdom has in store for us. Our experience has taught us that used regularly, and with the right kind of researched natural ayurvedic products, nature has every solution to the nutrition and growth for her children. 

This is a post written for the "Traditional Knowledge, Natural Growth" contest by Dabur and Indiblogger

Back!!!

Well folks....It's official now. I have diagnosed myself with a serious case of Writers' block (yes, I insist that I be called a writer.... so what if only two measly stories are out in print?).

Also add a dash of pessimism and ladles full of self-pity. Serve same garnished with generous helping of sarcasm, and voila!!! You have a blogger with no blog posts for months!!

And then that got me thinking.... wasn't blogging the very fruit of these symptoms? I mean, I started blogging because I had so much going on in my head that I possibly couldn't share it with any other sane person without running the risk of a cardiac arrest (mine, or theirs). And thus, my blog was created for me, by me and from me (wokay.... that last bit kinda sounds creepy to me too, but what the hell!)

Then somewhere down the line, I began getting recognition, a few of the crazy stuff I wrote actually got noticed and some stuff even found their way into the epitome of writing success - the PRINT *revered silence here*

I began writing, not what I wanted to write, but what I thought people wanted to read. That left me with the same problem I have with the non-blogging world - expectations! And me and Mr. Expectations go back a loooooong way.... we absolutely hate each other.

So for all my friends out there (the blogger world is very unique. I have indeed, friends, who I have not met, but I can relate to completely) ............. I am back! And this time, I'm here to stay. (this, as I try damn hard to keep my toothbrush stationary in my mouth and try to wish the "Working Mom" syndrome away! Sigh!!)

Goooooood Morning all!! 

Wise Enough to be Foolish - a Review

A little over 200 pages, this book from Jaico Publications came my way on a rainy day, wrapped in promises of a good read. And it suffices to say that this book by Gauri Jayaram  did not disappoint. It deals with topics that most women have lived through - some more than others. It deals with topics that one is not comfortable discussing, even with one's own conscience.

A special thanks to Marina from Jaico, who is instrumental in me reading this book.

A little more detail in the review:

The first impression : The cover shows a girl with a packed bag (or 'baggage' maybe), not letting too much out in one go. Travel does play an important part of the protagonist's life, but that is not all there is. There is quite a lot of 'baggage' that the protagonist carries, which may have been symbolized here, but then, that's not all there is, either. Interesting cover.

Plot : Much of the plot is autobiographical (in the author's own words); the narrative beginning with the protagonist waiting for her husband to get back home. It then traces her growing up years in a Fauji family, where subtle biases to the male child brings in rebellion in her. The book then covers her travails at attempting to make peace with her parents, while also finding love herself. Through mentors in her life, she discovers two passions - travel and sports. The book would certainly strike a chord with most women, having faced atleast a few of the situations faced by the rebellious Gauri. But the risk here is that most readers may end up reading through the pages thinking, "Been there, done that, what next?"

Writing style : Jayaram is honest; sometimes wanting to make you flinch. Whether it s virginity she is discussing, or the unfairness of being a girl child in India, or live in relationships, or even child abuse, Jayaram manages a fine job of being sincere, yet not get defensive - a difficult task when you are talking about intimate relations such as parents, siblings and lovers. It is like being able to read a good friends diary (without the guilt ofcourse!).

Jayaram also manages to weave in some magical lines that make you want to sigh out aloud, and then read the lines aloud again, savoring the way that sounds. Examples:

• "When no one knows what to say, and there is a moment of silence, the angels are passing and everyone should stay quiet."
• "Life is an individual event, and only you count….Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose."
• "When you are gambling on the table of Vegas, the way you behave when you have little at stake is very different from how you behave when you have a lot at stake."

The narrative is filled with such gems, stemming from the introspective style that Gauri has used in the book.

Final Verdict : This is a book that makes you smile sometimes, shift uneasily in your seat sometimes, and gasp yet other times. An emotional roller coaster, but one that makes you feel warm inside at the end.

The Hope Factory - a review

I have been reading a lot of Indian authors lately. Not entirely a conscious decision, but that's the way it's been. There have been good books, tolerable books and terribly disappointing ones as well. Let me be honest - I haven't put up reviews of the really disappointing ones - call it a 'struggling' writer's empathy at play here :-) ...

But of all the recent ones that I have read, The Hope Factory by author Lavanya Shankaran made me sit up and do some serious reading. For two reasons : The first was that I was approached by a very professional sounding mail from an equally impressive (and punctual) gentleman handling the marketing of this book. Of course, this appealed tremendously to my waning ego as a writer of any talent. But more importantly, when  I actually set eyes on the book, I was swept away. Let me attempt to explain why, in my review here.

The first impression : Simply put, the cover of the book raises expectations. There probably could not have been a picture more apt for the novel than the photo of a young boy, obviously thrilled by something as simple as the splash of water on his face. There is something in the picture that speaks of hope, of happiness - even in hard times. In fact, this is the first time that I've been compelled to take a photo of my reading corner, just to capture that delicious image.



The work of art with the early morning Cuppa!

A closer look:

Plot : A rich weave of emotions, mundane life and the distinct divide in social classes that is so prevalent in our lives. The characters all have their 'human' element - a quirk here, a secret there, a weakness here and a strength there. There are two protagonists here - the successful entrepreneur Anand, and the hardworking domestic help Kamala who is engaged in Anand's upper middle class household. All the characters who fill out the canvas, from Anand's socialite wife, to the Fabindia kurta- wearing friend who has mothered a child whose father no one knows about, the cook who loses her temper too much, but cooks like a dream - all of them are not mere words on a page to the reader. As a talented writer friend (who is an accomplished blogger herself) confided when discussing the author's works, the apt words to describe Shankaran would be "Astonishingly perceptive"

There are two parallel worlds in the story - the first, a factory owners' bid to stay successful and positive, while trying to remain honest and fair to his employees. At the other end of the spectrum, a woman who has fought all odds to keep herself and her son alive in a world filled with apathy. The determined fighter in both the characters are confronted by challenges and temptations alike. The story is all about the decisions that they make, and their outcomes. Though there are some who would argue that there is very little that 'happens' in the book, one cannot stop turning one page after the other, floating through the lives of these characters, who try to live out their life in dignity.

Writing style : Of the recent barrage of Indian writers' works that have come into the market, this one stands apart in style. There is none of the 'firang' influence - neither in the choice of words used, nor in content of the story. These are carefully chosen words; chosen to bring out the emotion in its strongest form. Some of the lines may need repeated reads - not because the words are difficult, but because the author has used very 'visual' words. Shankaran approaches the emotionally laden parts of her story in a matter-of-fact way, which somehow, manages to make the whole incident more 'real' to the reader.

Note : Look out for a few poignant pages written in that matter-of-fact way when a construction worker has to 'steal' a bath of clean water. (That's it - not letting more out for fear of spoiling it for you :-) )

Character development : Shankaran's perceptiveness oozes through each character, from the kohl lines they draw, to the flowers they wear, to a benevolent smile on a poster. While this may reduce the pace of the story for some readers, I felt that this only added to the joy of reading the book. The story however, ends at a place that allows the reader to imagine the story further - a sequel perhaps?

Words and print quality : Firstly, I just love hardbound books - they feel lovely in the hand. The print quality, the paper, the spacing - all perfect to make a 350 page book seem like a breeze to read. No printing errors (atleast none that I could spot) and meticulous editing in the book is such a welcome change.

Final Verdict : A book for keeps; am glad that this beautiful book came my way. But even more delightful is the fact that unlike a book borrowed from a friend, this one stays right here on my dresser, for me to pull out and read in my cozy corner .........