The Backdoor VIPs

Rural Kerala is discretely chauvinistic. Even the houses. Even modern, upper middle class houses. But these houses only gave the woman of the house much more personal space than other normal houses. Let me explain.

Every home (unless they are the unimaginative new apartments that are mushrooming everywhere!) has a boundary wall (varying from mud mounds lined with the thorny pineapple plants, to imposing structures with spikes and electric lamps) with a gate (again varying from little bamboo strips to iron), which then leads through a pathway into a front door.

The front was a signature for most homes - this was where the man of the house would spend most of his 'thinking' time. Morning teas to after dinner debates were all held at the veranda of the front door. One could often see a worn out easy-chair that usually belonged to the patriarch of the house.

Looking closely at the pathway, one could see another smaller path winding itself towards the back yard of the home. Usually in close proximity with the kitchen or the wash-up area, the back door was a little less glamorous than its pompous brother. If one overlooks this minor superficial point, the back door had much more character - maybe because of the colorful variety of  visitors that door saw through.

In my home, the back door was always open, unlike the front door, which was more anglicised. The front door was of carved wood, with a fancy door knob and an even fancier door bell. Traditionally, all houses in Kerala had open doors. But then, what was the point of keeping a fancy door bell if one did not have to summon someone to open the door? So, the front door evolved into being the 'closed' door, while the back door had sunlight, random noises, and happiness streaming in throughout the day.

After much prodding, my mother relented and allowed a net door to be placed, which could be closed without interrupting the senses. This also meant a stop to the stray visitors who flew in along with the sun - little sparrows looking for the rice that managed to sneak out along with the husk while Mom had sifted the two; or little lost squirrels who suddenly discovered that the floor was a lot cooler than the one outside.

But other visitors were not dissuaded by the net door - my Mother's "VIP"s (as we all liked to call them). The old lady servant who had, in her better years, bathed, powdered, kohl-ed and trudged the little kids of the household to a school many kilometers away; the neighbour's mother who did not hear too well anymore; the slightly deranged schoolteacher who was once a freedom fighter, but was hazy on the difference between fantasy and reality; and many more such interesting old folks - the ones who have the time to pause and admire the drawing of a child; or the ones who have the time to sit and tell you fascinating stories of kings and queens.

Every day, there would be one or more of these visitors. They came just to chat sometimes; or just to have a cup of tea served to them with a smile. They came because they saw in Mom, a connection to the good days they had witnessed; or maybe because they were hungry and wanted a few bites without seeing a frown. As young children, we were fascinated, sometimes scared, and yet sometimes, entertained, by Mom's VIPs. This then changed to irritation at the perceived loss of privacy, and then to just plain indifference.

As we moved on in life, we saw them only once in a few months, and then heard news of them moving on to a different world, one which, in all probability, would treat them much better than this one did.

Why do I write about them today? I don't know. Maybe I seek pardon for having been irritable and indifferent to people who really did care without a reason. Maybe I realize that life does mean all about little pleasures - like the sparrows and the squirrels who mistook the back door balcony for their homes....

Of little lessons from great people .............

"Because my Miss told me....." my nine year old whines when I ask her why she did something different from what I had asked her to do. The first time, it did come as a shock that she would take someone else's word against mine, but then I took a ride down memory lane, and discovered I was no different!

I realize now that I have been very fortunate with the kind of people that the Almighty has scattered all over my life, at various stages. This is an attempt to dig into memory and try to thank those 'teachers' I've had in my life.

• The nurturer : My first day at formal school was in Dubai Indian High - a huge campus, with hundreds of classes, and thousands of students. My parents were paranoid, my mom was ready to cry at the drop of a hat, and I was equipped with brand new paraphernalia - all pink! Mrs. Simon, my class teacher for nursery and prep, was the sweetest little lady I had seen (as a 4 year old, that is) and she had a soothing tone to her voice, which put all my separation anxiety to rest. I was the topper in her class for two consecutive years - a performance which never repeated itself! She instilled the love of words and letters and crayons in me - Ma'am, thank you!
• The tough coach : My sports coach, Mrs. Omana  - who made sure I didn't give up too early, and made sure I walked away when it was time to do so. All the basketball matches, the throwball matches and the badminton matches that she stood by me, in the hot sun, was the only reason I went on to become a house captain in the later years of my life. But the most important lesson I learnt was to be a team player. I was coaxed, warned, punished and rewarded to instill this life skill - thank you Ma'am.
• The passionate artist: In middle school, habits are formed that change the way your life takes course. Kalpana Ma'am, who came by as my English teacher in the fifth, changed the way I looked at books, the way I approached stage fright, and started a saga of prizes for debates, extempores and poetry recitals that followed me all through high school. She would sit after class to get the right emotions into my recital - for many days, she would even call up Dad to let me stay longer. After this, I've always had, in every class I studied, someone who stacked books into my arms and forced me to read - this, I realize, is the only reason I am able to write what I do today. Prameela Ma'am, Rasika Ma'am..... thank you!
• The mother figure : While struggling with a tragedy that affected my sister and me, Vasanthi Ma'am took us under her wing - like a mother hen. She never had a frown, never an impatient glance at the clock, never an irritated sound when I approached her with all the rebelliousness of a teen, and the grace of a hippo. A few years later, when my sister faced difficulties she stepped up and became a mentor to her as well. Thank you Ma'am!
• The stern administrator : The principal of my high school is a lady of steel. She was the disciplinarian, and the very mention of her office made the worst of us behave. Yet, it was her that prodded me to work harder, push myself further - and a word of praise from her made my day! Thank you Sugeetha Ma'am!

The college mentors : I would rather call the faculty in college mentors, as they were more than just faculty - they sorted out so much of our confused minds, that in the span of 3 years, we were ready to take on the world. While there were so many faculty members who contributed to our lives, a quick mention of some here:

• Mr. Prakash : Its tough being a disciplinarian. I realize that now, when I need to manage a team, and of course, manage my kids. Its tougher being a disciplinarian to a bunch of hormone crazed morons, who think they are adults. Its even tougher when you are also responsible for their careers - and he did it with aplomb. Whether it has to do with punctuality, or grooming, or attitude - he preferred to take on the tag of the 'bad guy' instead of going soft on us. Sir - thank you!
• Mr. Ranjit Pillai : While preferring to take the back stage whenever there is any limelight, this person was, in my life (and many others who had him as a guide) a troubleshooter. Each time we were in trouble (and believe me when I say life or death situation) it was Mr.Pillai who swooped in with firm words and even firmer resolution to get us straightened out. Sir, thank you for all the trust you showed in us - even when we were complete idiots! 
• Jolly Ma'am : ........Sigh!!!!!! That's the reaction you'll get from anyone she's taught. She was endearingly tough (am sure she still evokes shivers from the students now), and had taught us what "elbow grease" was all about! Eye for detail, and perfection in the smallest of task - these were essential skills that helped us advance in our careers - Thank you Ma'am.
• Mr. Ivan Thomas : Organized, calm, witty and with a keen sense of responsibility towards the kitchen - that's Chef Ivan. We've been punished zillions of times (scrubbed the kitchen a million times myself), but the entire experience only left us happier and satisfied with a sparkling kitchen  -  how did you manage that Sir? His witty one liners are still told and retold in every get together. Thank you Chef!
• Nirmala Ma'am : Yet another language specialist - the one who initiated the writing bug in me - my first (failed) attempt at managing hurt sentiments after an article saw me running to her for cover. And of course, how can we forget the French -Merci beaucoup Ma'am!

To all my inspirations : Happy Teachers Day .... and thank you for all that you've done for us!

The Verdict

For those of you who have read my post on the Customer Service fiasco recently (which was also a Tangy Teusday pick by Blogadda), this post is an update on the same.

I had not mentioned the resort details in the last one. Read this to find out more details.

Happy reading!

Of parties and guests ...........

I had promised to the comments in an earlier post, that I'd get the most awesome party planner (who happens to be my little sister) to write a guest post in this blog. Its finally here, after some major arm-twisting and serial-level emotional blackmailing. Do let us know what you think! 

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I don't blog. I am a mom. I have a 7 year old and a 7 month old. So if I foresee 5 minutes of silence, I'd sip a cup of coffee or maybe read the newspaper, or paint my nails  (sigh! The list is endless).


The only blogs I am able to follow belong to my sister and best friend. (Ok, ok.... I get browbeaten into following them too!). This post is the result of a sleep deprived promise that I made to a sister who was equally sleep deprived, on a guest post. So here goes....

My love to entertain is a result of years of gaping and gawking at some specially talented friends who took throwing parties to the next level. And then having sister who used to be a hotelier made it so much easier.

Planning an evening with a house full of guests and a mouthwatering menu be quite intimidating. Ofcourse, it usually ends up being a fun evening (for everyone else. For me, it is nothing short of a 1000 meter sprint followed by a round of kick boxing!).

Here, I have some tips which I learnt the hard way, and may be quite useful to save you quite a bit of trouble.

• I usually start off with a TO-DO list weeks (or months, if its a surprise) before
• I make 2 lists. One for me and and one my better half. (Yes, I am Hitler's first cousin) That way I don't nag him randomly for weeks. All I need to do is give subtle but frequent hints on 'the list'. He knows what his role is, and things get done on time. (Which means his TO-Do list would have date / time /store name and  ..maybe even directions :D )
• The first and most important thing in the list is the When/Where/Who list. This will also tell you whether your guest list needs to be trimmed down based on space availability.
• Once you get that figured out, start with the invitations. Personally, I prefer taking the trouble to pick up the phone and call. Though its takes up your time, it is much easier and you will most likely get an immediate response. But then if you are inviting those busy friends who spend their life in conference rooms (or the ones who are easier to get on their smart phones ..... try evite)
• After you get a rough idea about the headcount THEN you plan the menu.
• Make realistic decisions on how much you can manage on your own. If its a surprise for your dear ones, I would definitely consider preparing a few of his/her favourite dishes on my own. And maybe order out the rest.
• Ofcourse, the food and drinks menu is a very important part of a party and it all depends on the occasion and who are the invitees and their preferences.
• If drinks are being served I prefer having lots of appetizers / snacks and a simple dinner menu. End it with a heavy, sinful dessert - people remember desserts more than any other course of the meal. (More on menu planning on later a later post, when I get another threatening call from dear sis again)
• A fizzy mocktail punch served in plastic glasses for kids keeps them away from the 'adult' drinks. This is why I love the Internet.You get all kinds of recipes and ideas for fruit punches. Add a splash of vodka and grenadine into it for the ladies and voila! you have a mini cocktail party going. (Men, it is observed, don't need too much prodding to discover and deplete the bar counter, so just make sure you have enough stock of various brands, ice, glasses and you're done)
• So anyway, once you have decided the menu (which would include starters, drinks, dinner and dessert), start a few days ahead and take an inventory of what you have and what you need.
• Shop for things like paper cups, plates, spoons, napkins, toothpicks, cocktail sticks etc. (anything that has a long shelf life) well ahead of time.
• Decide on what Serving bowls and cutlery you will use and whether you have adequate numbers. (Borrow instead of buying, in case you fall short - you obviously won't be doing this madness often! )
• Write down dates on your TO-DO list for the grocery shopping, cleaning up the house, pulling out hand towels, bed covers, cushion covers, tablecloth etc. (Rule : Don't wait for a golden jubilee to flaunt all that stuff you've been hoarding - these days there are stain removal processes that can restore beauty back into that gorgeous silk bed cover, if the kids stain it with chocolate!)
• A day before the party, move furniture around and set it keeping in mind the seating requirements, the room for guests to roam, the bar area etc.
• Don't forget to keep an eye on your spouse's to-do list too ..See how that's getting along. (This is about the time you can start nagging)
• A mini snack area for the kids a little away from the adults table is a life saver. Preferably a rug thrown into a safe corner, with board games, music and loads of finger foods. If all kids are of approximately the same age, a good cartoon movie and popcorn would be a splendid idea.
• The day before the party is also the best time to decide what each member of the family will wear. (Yes, you have to do that as well!)
• On the day of the big bash, get rid of the kids  before you start (While I sometimes am tempted to take that literally, please don't quote me if you do so!)  I mean, for a few hours let grandparents do the spoiling or maybe a friend who wouldn't mind having them over.
• Try to finish the cooking and cleaning at least 3 hours before the party. This gives you sometime to relax and dress up. (Just because you spent last night scrubbing the bathroom floor does not mean you ought to look that way!) This also ensures that your house won't smell like a restaurant when the guests walk in.
• And get your kids back (yeah! I know - that's the part that makes me cringe too) and get 'em showered and dressed ..... unless you've packed their party wear along with them.
• Don't forget to charge the camera batteries and delegate the pictures portfolio to a friend (Your spouse, in all probability, will be rushing out to complete something in the list the got missed out). Chances are you will forget all about picture in the mad rush.
• In the very end, set up the bar, put out some of the ready snacks like peanuts, wafers, vegetable batons, papad etc. (this will buy you some time to serve the hot appetizers), light those vanilla-cinnamon candles you have been saving for that special occasion, some fresh flowers in strategic locations, and some light music (you can play the dhinka-chika later, when everyone is drunk)..
• This would also be a good time to have that pep talk with your kids about some ground rules and how to behave when the guests arrive.
• Once that's checked off your list, pour yourself a glass of wine / cup of coffee. Put your feet up and Smile - you my friend, are about to be showered with lavish compliments!

Vacation fit for God?

Well, it all started with this competition by Indiblogger, and seeing that I've not been to any other country (Dubai doesn't count - it's an extension of Kerala anyway!), this seemed to be the right opportunity for me to venture out. All I needed to do was win this competition on Indiblogger, which has like, oh..... maybe a thousand fantastic bloggers...... Piece of cake!!

(A word of advise to the readers : There are awesome links all through the post, which helped me in my research. Do visit these links - they are really helpful if anyone is planning a trip to Melbourne)

God and I sometimes have conversations when the rest of the world is snoring into oblivion. God, incidentally, is my mentor in cynicism and irony.

(Yeah!Yeah! I know You're Omnipotent and all that - But lets tell these good people how You and I reached that deal, shall we? Just so that they don't waste their time competing for the prize!)

So anyway, I reminded God how good I've been lately, and how badly I needed God to make exceptions to 'thou shalt not be greedy'! I did a lot of research at the official Melbourne website, and the resultant conversation went something like this:

Me : God, now that we've known each other for over three decades, don't You think it's time I got my friendship day present?

God : You've been spending too much time at Archie's gift shops haven't you? Anyway, what is it that you wish for?

Me : I want to go to Melbourne....... No, actually, I want to win this competition..... No, actually, I want to visit all these lovely places in Melbourne, after winning the competition that will take me there.

(There! that should take care of the 'watch what you wish for - it just might come true' fallacy)

God (trying to keep a straight face) : Win? The way you write? That really is pushing it too far, my child. Anyway, why Melbourne?

Me (gushing for required effect) : You know how much I love adventure, right, God?

God (with a patient look in Those benevolent eyes) : Yes, my child, I know. I am still trying to forget every high pitched "Oh Gaaaaaawd - saaaaave me!" each time you landed into one of those 'adventures'. It sure didn't look like you were enjoying yourself back then!

Me : Err.........Ofcourse I was enjoying it! That's how you're supposed to yell when you fall a few feet from a roller coaster! Any way, back to Melbourne. Did You know there's loads of adventure to do there? There's Sky diving.... and car racing .....

God :  I would have thought you'd done enough car racing on Delhi roads - I don't think I can handle more swear words than that!

Me (pretending to ignore the divine voice) : .... and even battle tank riding!! Can you beat that?

God : My child, surely, with all the lovely food I put on your table, even your walk to the car must seem like battle tank riding to you.... (I told you God was my mentor!)

Me : Not fair - I am on a diet, you know! Anyway, speaking of which - there are awesome celebrity chef restaurants in Melbourne - the kinds that serves Masterchef Australia kinda food! And all kinds of international cuisine too (I've always wondered how Vietnamese food tastes, or Spanish for that matter!!) - not to mention pubs!

God : (suppressing a laugh) Yes, child. I have seen you drooling all over the carpet watching Masterchef Australia, and I am aware of the nocturnal effect pubs have on you!

Me : Err..... no, God - I didn't exactly mean I'd spend all my time eating and drinking. And its such a safe place for nightlife too - You of all, know how important that is for a woman these days! Wait - there's so much more!!  Can you imagine floating past the beautiful Melbourne city in a hot air balloon? Hundreds of feet above..... sigh!! And a glass of Australian wine, and a guy proposing to you with a solitaire ring...... sigh!!!

God : Ahem! This is still about Melbourne, is it not? If this is another request for the right guy, let me tell you this conversation is over.

Me: Err..... ofcourse God -  Melbourne is sports crazed, right? And so am I!

God (with one divine Eyebrow raised quizzically) : Which sport, if I may ask, do you play? For I seem to only see you having a go at the X-box in your routine of tardiness!

Me : Whoa! Who said anything about playing?  I watch cricket, and football (or footy, as they would call it in Melbourne) and the stadiums are to die for!! Definitely beats having to watch a match on TV! Also, there are these awesome speed boats, on which I'd like to whizz past the Port Phillip Bay.

God : Hmmm....Port Phillip seems a nice place - actually the kind of place I would head to, if I didn't have to listen to people like you all the time!

Me (seeing a ray of hope) : Yes, absolutely God! It has over 1,950 square kilometres, and is quite comparable to Your abode. I mean, there's fishing, sailing, speed boats, kayaking and snorkeling. And for a change, all of it is clean, with a self-sustaining eco system.  You know how much I admire Your creativity, God. And there is so much beauty in all that marine life in Port Phillip ..... You really are a genius you know!! ...... err......So how about that competition? Am I winning it?

God : Not so fast, you sweet talker! What else are you planning to do there?

Me : I would also love to see the penguins at Phillip Island, which is just 2 hours away from Melbourne (I promise I won't smuggle any back home!).  Or even better..... maybe a moonlit walk through the bountiful natural beauty of a wildlife sanctuary You have so lovingly created in Melbourne.........

God (Smiling with such deep knowledge): So you really thought I'm going to push a few buttons and make you win this competition? You really thought it's your time to visit Melbourne NOW, didn't you?

Well, tough luck, my child........ You see, I am due for a vacation, and I'll let you know all about it when I'm back from Melbourne......... we'll have a little chat - Woman to woman! Be good till then!

An angry post..........

When I talk to my colleagues from work, I often tell them that I probably am the worst customer in the world - my patience wears out much faster!

An account of one such incident in my post from my blog 'Hospitality Showtime'.

Do let me know what you would have done!

Love and Marriage - Chicken and egg ?

Good ol' Wiki  defines Marriage as "a social union or legal contract between people called spouses that creates kinship. It is usually an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged. Such a union is often formalized via a wedding ceremony

And  the Oxford Dictionary defines it as "the formal union of a man and a woman, typically as recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife"

  

Yuck!!

  

Where on earth have all the romantic dictionary writers of the world vanished off to? I vote we get in the Mills and Boons writers to fill out a few entries in the dictionary as well!

Anyway, what neither definition fails to capture is the enigma, the heartburn, the apprehensions and the debates that have been sparked off by the strongest institution outside of blood relations.

Picture this: A and B, reared in completely different households, with different set of rules and different set of ideologies, unite one fine day and are are expected to merge without conflicts. Well, that's what the definition urges us to believe. This couldn't be further away from the truth! And to complicate everyone's already exhausted brain cells further, we now dissect marriages to determine if love comes after marriage or if marriage comes after love. Lets look at a few widespread notions about both, considering you guys are already this far out into reading all the crap I write :-).

Some of these theories are part of the "Love marriage ya Arranged Marriage" promos on Sony. See the facebook page here.

Hypothesis 1 : Love marriages are lesser of a surprise for the couples since you know each other.

Picture this: girl and guy in love go through the whole day thinking of ways to sneak out of whatever it is they are doing, to go see the other. Single minded concentration on ONLY the other person. Consequently, each one is their spruced up, well - groomed, manicured-pedicured best. Thus they meet, a couple of hours each day, or maybe once in a few days, or even better, once in a few weeks, pining for each other. Enter Karan Johar, Rajshree Productions and Mills and Boons, converting the whole world into a surreal one. A world that overlooks any flaws of 'The One'........ till you are married, that is.

And then marriage happens - the big, fat Indian kinds. After the honeymoon, life starts nudging you into reality. There are chores to be done, bills to be paid, deadlines to be met, and various commitments to various people to be kept. Result? We take the one person we thought we knew so well, for granted - the spouse! (here, we start forgetting that the spouse was 'The One') - Surprise, surprise! 

Wait, all you "That's-why-arranged-marriages-are-for-me" guys and girls, we aren't finished yet.

Hypothesis 2 : Arranged marriages last longer than love marriages.

Ofcourse they do! The whole big-fat-Indian-extended-family, and their neighbours will focus their entire course of life on your marriage in order to make the 'arranged' institution work...... after all, that's what 'culture' is all about! Another reason why arranged marriages seem to have longer endurance is because of expectation setting, and novelty value.

Let me explain : You finally decide, after multiple reruns of FRIENDS, Pretty Woman and Hum Apke Hain Kaun, that you will eventually give up the luxury of living alone. From that moment on, every breathing member of your family (sometimes even dear departed ones may appear in dreams) start 'preparing' you for the inevitable. From learning to cook (because Ma-in-law likes her pakoras fried in olive oil, and the future husband having developed a taste for sushi), to losing like a million pounds to get into that ooh so sexy wedding dress, you are getting 'seasoned' into marriage. The married counterparts contribute in great detail how and what the challenges are going to be, and you are about as confident of the alliance as your are of the political situation in Afghanistan. But the good thing is that the journey is usually uphill for a few years till you discover each other. And soon kids have already made their way into your lives, and you decide to stick it out. Result - longer life expectancy (of the marriages only - we won't get into details of the people stuck in it), or at least it seems like it lasts for ever!

Cynical, skeptical me is not done yet!!

Hypothesis 3 : More love marriages end in divorce than arranged

Ha! That's because worldwide, more marriages (that have the choice of divorce) are love marriages. I mean, love marriages are usually a match between equals. Women are usually empowered in the societies which have rampant love marriage syndrome. As against rural Indian, African or East Asian communities where empowerment is a word they haven't heard. Can you imagine a divorce as a choice in those societies? Yay for that!

The all-important question at the end of this mind numbing post : Where is she headed with all the arguments?

The truth is, it really doesn't matter whether marriage follows love or love follows marriage. In one case, you trust decisions made by others, add in your own risk assessments and commit to a lifetime of companionship with a person you perceive perfect to love. In the other case, you meet someone, let your heart make a decision based on a few hours each day, a few long phone conversations and chat messages, and you do everything you can to spend the rest of your life with the person you love.

In both cases, life throws mundane existence into your lap, and you look away from the beautiful painting you had painted. Then you notice cracks, which you had missed out due to the 100 piece orchestra that was playing in your head all this while. And the rest, as they say, is history.

So, Cynical smartass (I hear you say) what's your point?

Marriage is not like your Mom - you can't ignore her all the while and suddenly arrive with a scraped knee and expect to be smothered with love. It needs constant attention, and TLC.

Marriage is not like a government job - you can't advance ladders just because you have spent time in the same company for years. It needs new ideas, new approaches and sometimes new skills.

Marriage is not like the advertisements of retirement schemes where you forsake the present for the future. It needs today as much as it needs tomorrow - whether you love the person you married, or you married the person you love. Ahem! You see, cynical me is actually in love with the person I am married to - go figure which came first!

This is a post written for the contest by Indiblogger and Sony TV - 'Love Marriage ya Arranged Marriage' on Indiblogger. Do let me know what your take is.