This post has been picked as a "Tangy Tuesday Picks" by Blogadda.
The whole country is raving and ranting about how the kids on the street are getting more violent than before, how they turn into molesters or rapists at the drop of a hat. How being called 'sexy' is quite okay, and how we should be conditioning all our menfolk by having a few 'slutwalks'. The whole world and their aunt was stunned into awakening after an incident in Guwahati.
The next flurry of activity was everyone getting into the shock-relieving therapy of 'discover why'. Many theories, and among all the various ones that came out, the most reasonable seemed blame-the-parents.
We begin with the parents of the girls who dress provocatively, or the ones who dare to go into a bar at night. We then move on to the parents of the youngsters who were there that night, and then the others who displayed all the empathy of a door knob.
We all thought in our minds that the parents were either the 'broad-minded' buffoons that entertainment channels have so vibrantly shown, or they were the senseless village folk who by some mechanism, trained all their sons to be the modern equivalent of Genghis Khan.
Lets take a closer look. A closer look at how we unwittingly change the way a male child in our society thinks he is Gods answer to everything in the world.
It begins with the birth of a male in any of the households today - urban, rural, rich or poor. I have heard all kinds of smug remarks from the less acidic "Good, now the family is complete" to the more nauseous "You Lucky woman - you have only sons, no liabilities!" being said in various circles of extended family and friends, to brand new mothers and fathers.
No - this is NOT rural India, and this is not uneducated, illiterate India either.
It then moves on to take subtle hints at regulating what good and bad behavior is - especially for the girl child. Example dialogues are slightly sexist "You should not leave things lying around.... you are a girl, and should be organized." to disgustingly sexist "Girls don't answer back to elders" - while, notice that its perfectly fine for the male progeny to do so. In fact, it is indulgently looked at lovingly, declaring how brave the child is. Not necessarily always by parents, or only by parents - the whole brain-dead society contributes.
In the case of a girl child, it is normal for the whole family to have a say in what she wears, where she goes, when she goes, when she is going to be back, and of course, who she goes with. Oh yes, I do hear you mumble something about your concern for her. I'd do the same too, when she steps out into what obviously is the jungle. Just one look at the smiling Piggy Chops in an add, tells us that all of this is ok - this is how the world was meant to be. Why'd Piggy be so happy about the court martial is something I don't get, though.
My only question, why don't we do it with our sons? Aren't we unwittingly telling them that they are
not accountable? Have we even for a moment thought, that these are the boys who then grow up to think women are meant to be indoors, cleaning and cooking, in domesticated avatars that have been glorified by Ekta Kapoor? Aren't we, at some level, agreeing that assumptions made by the molesters or rapists that
'she asked for it' is true?
Lets take a look at the ridiculous circus we call marriage in India. We bribe the mothers and the fathers and the sisters and the fourth cousin of the uncle of the groom; we also
pay the groom in gratitude of his marrying our daughter - isn't that what you call Dowry? We imply here that its a huge favour they are doing us, by taking the daughter - a liability, off our hands.
Even educated families. In urban India. Don't believe me? What about dialogues like "Do what you want in
this house. Once you get married, your in-laws decide whether you work or not." Why? Do you decide what your son-in-law will do after marriage?
Or just go through the matrimonial columns in the paper. "Wanted : Fair, beautiful,
homely girl for 30 year old man working in MNC." And this, by far is a regular requirement. Even young men I seem to encounter in office spaces, when discussing a future wife, say '
homely' is a requirement. Ask them what 'homely' means and they'll tell you "You know, the kinds who do not party too much, or the kind who do not have any boy friends." Prod a little more, and they'll give you definitions such as "The kinds who will be comfortable doing all the housework, even if they are working women."
But ask these dudes who they'd like to fall in love with, I can assure you the name that they come up with is not 'homely' at all! There is usually a mile long list of men who pine for the attention of that over-achiever woman in the office, but when marriage is on the cards, they know this is not who they'd be comfortable married to - and even if they were, the parents would reject them - coz' they are not 'homely' enough. That however, doesn't stop them from lusting after them.
It is not only our daughters that we harm in this social branding; do you really think the young minds of the males in our society is not flawed when we create such clear bias in their formative years? And what happens when a favoured child (favoured only due to the sheer coincidence that there was an extra appendage in his body) does not get any special treatment in the
real world? And under all circumstances he would be pitted against someone he was brought up to believe is a second citizen -
a woman. God forbid if the woman is able to perform better!
The joke is that most such male members in our skewed society actually believe that they are superior by virtue of their sex. They then look for excuses (let me assure you, we all know people like this) -
- "The lady climbed up the ladder by sleeping around"
- "The dame dresses like a slut so she deserves it"
- "The wife/gf is popular with men so she must be a slut"
- "The co-worker doesn't mind a few drinks so she must be 'easy'"
- "If she earns more than me, she is not wife material" (this one was a shocker, but i actually heard it)
Where do we start? By throwing 'notional' equality out the window. And get into non-negotiation for the real sense of the word. Beginning with ensuring rules of the household are the same.
- If the daughter cannot scream at elders, neither can the son.
- If the son is tired after school / work/ games, common sense tells us that daughters / daughters-in law will also be so. So either we don't fuss around a son, or we fuss around both.
- If there is only one piece of the choicest dessert, split in two
- Have meals sitting together - even if, as Mother fuss-a-lot, we like to hover around the table stuffing everyone's plates with food, realize that the son's expectation from a future wife would be the same. For a change, ask the son to serve a few bites or clear the plates. (Believe me, it does wonders to teach them dignity of labor - we learnt it in Hotel Management, and I am thankful for that)
- Teach daughters and sons to fold clothes, iron them, stack them and hold them accountable for a missing sock. (Simple rule: since you fold them and stack them, you ought to know where that sock went). Not scream at mommy dearest for not tidying up the sock drawer. Ditto for the wet towel.
- I like festivals - including Raksha Bandhan, for the colorful threads and the sweets. But never, never tell the daughters that you need the brother to protect her. Or the son that the sister (and all girls generally) need 'protection'
- Never tell the son that 'all this is yours' ...... big mistake!
- Remind the son often that in the world, the only thing they got free were their parents - they need to work for everything else - just as their female counterparts do too.
- Remember also to never generalize women or men basis their clothes, language etc. Kids pick that up fast, and will most certainly form early biases.
That's all I could come up with - as my son grows older, maybe I get wiser too. Anyone has any more ideas? We could all do with them.
